Need a Break? Check out these questions.

How many of the following questions do you answer YES to?

• Do you feel you don’t have enough time for yourself, doing what you want to do?
• Do you often find yourself getting to the end of the week and wondering where all the time went?
• Do you frequently work through your lunch break, or grab a sandwich while skimming emails?
• Do you rarely leave the office on time at the end of the day?
• Do you take work home with you on a regular basis?
• Is your mind always buzzing? Do you find it difficult to switch off?
• Do you panic if you leave your phone at home/work and are without it for even short periods of time?
• Do you think you could be doing something different if only you had more time to think about it?
• Do you think life is passing by too quickly?
• Do you sometimes feel really lacking in confidence? Does it hold you back from doing new things?
• Do you have a feeling that there is something better out there but don’t know what the ‘something’ is?

If you answered yes to more than 5 of those questions it’s probably time time for you to stop and take stock. At worst you are heading for burn out and at best you may be pedalling furiously but not going in the best direction for you.

I didn’t actually make up those questions; they are all a variation of the reasons given to me by women for coming on my RenewYou day. I’ve been there too. For a period of my life I was so busy being busy that I didn’t have time to listen to the intermittent nagging voice in my head saying ‘Is this it?’

Sometimes we’re just so taken up with the grind of the day job, giving our all at work and home that we don’t take time to stand still and really think about what it is we’re doing. We are buffetted by events and react, rather than taking control. Once I took some serious time out to consider what it was I really wanted it helped me set about taking back control; in fact, over the course of a year I totally changed my life.

Scared?

I know sometimes it can feel totally overwhelming, and to be honest, quite scary. I was scared. But I was excited and enthused too! And, as soon as I had begun following my plan, directing my life, my energy levels went up, my health improved, and I had more time to do the things that were important to me. I just needed to give myself some time and space to work out what I really wanted.

It’s why, when I designed RenewYou, I made sure that there was plenty of thinking and reflecting time built into the day, and why I always choose a venue with some nice outdoor space. It’s great to spend some time walking and thinking. Deep inside we usually know our answers, and the thought provoking exercises, support and encouragement of a day spent renewing yourself helps you find them.

So, if you ticked more than 5, I urge you to take a bit of time to yourself and think about how you are spending your precious life. I still do it every year – make time for my own personal development and run a mini audit on myself. Whether you choose a course, a book, a coach, or simply find time to reflect yourself, make sure you do it! And do it soon!

Photo Credit: Watford

Women and Networking

I’ve been to a networking event this morning, and on one level it was great. Well organised, good food (yucky coffee but you can’t have everything) yet it struck me that it was a very male way of doing business.

Now, if you’ve followed my posts for a while you’ll have gathered that I’m no shy and retiring flower. I’m pretty confident most of the time, a genuine extravert who loves meeting new people. I’ve run groups for young male offenders and worked within prisons and with groups of elected counsellors; I’m generally OK with groups of men and and I can take care of myself. Cripes, I’ve even been mugged and fought back (not recommended but I couldn’t help myself)

And yet as I walked into this networking event, alone, I had to do a sharp intake of breath. I was faced with a sea of men in suits all in animated discussion and it felt a tiny bit threatening. Eventually my eyes picked out that there were a few women there, maybe 10%? I girded my loins, walked up to a group and introduced myself.

And it was fine and they were a really nice group of blokes, but it was all so very male-oriented. The banter was quite competitive, there was some friendly joshing going on but it was very much on the level of stags showing off. And that’s OK; I grew up with two brothers, lots of male cousins and I can stand my ground. But actually, I don’t really like it and I don’t think I’m being totally true to myself. (Which may well have been true of some of the chaps but most looked very comfortable).

I contrast that with a women’s network I go to where the atmosphere is supportive and encouraging, where we feel able to talk about when things aren’t going so well, as well as when they are, and where the atmosphere is nowhere near as competitive.

There is nothing wrong with either approach. And I know that some men find this kind of event daunting and some women love them and thrive on it. But by and large these are not events where women feel at ease. And you can draw a parallel with many work places where one gender is not well represented. Once you get to a certain level the group that’s not represented is women…

Does anyone go to a networking arena which feels truly gender neutral? One which has been designed to make both men and women feel comfortable and able to give of their best? If so, please tell me about it and what makes it different.

Photo Credit: Svilen001

Men Only Use Half Their Brains?

You know we really shouldn’t believe everything we read, women especially as we have different sized brains. Oh and men only listen with half of their brain so obviously they don’t take everything in….or maybe they only need to use half a brain as their brains are bigger…

There is such a lot of rot out there about gender differences. It’s hard to know what to believe isn’t it? How research gets funded and then reported is not much different from how anything else gets out there, unfortunately. Someone, or a board of someones, either decided to fund it, or publish it, or not. And that decision is governed by what is popular, what sells, what their readers like, what funding is currently available, who is providing the funding and so on.

And the sad fact is, that research that shows there are big brain differences ‘twixt men and women gets lots of publicity and (relatively) lots more funding.

And studies that show there aren’t really any significant differences between genders gets less attention and less funding.

Research tends to reflect societal norms and expectations. And, interestingly, it seems so does how we answer research questions. (Ie women tell researchers they have talked too much or talked the most in a meeting; men tell researchers women did most of the talking in the same meeting, researchers have independently observed that men did most of the talking! We have a societal norm or expectation or bias that women talk a lot (too much?) and that’s is reflected in our answers .

Men and Brains

Back to men only listening with half of their brains…

In 2000, men and women were asked to lie down in a room and listen to a John Grisham story being read. The men showed more activity on their left brain sides while the women showed activity right across their brains. The media went to town with the men don’t listen theme.

What most reporting failed to mention was that this study used only 10 men and 10 women and no other tests (as far as I am aware) have replicated this experiment. In 2004 when four neuro-scientists carried out  a meta-analysis of 14 studies which had data on 377 women and 442 men they couldn’t find any significant difference; men and women showed similar brain activity when using language in listening and talking.

Brain Research

Our body of knowledge about how the brain works is growing all the time. As society ages there is more and more research on keeping the brain active and research seems to be suggesting that what we do can affect how the brain grows and develops. It seems the brain is like a muscle which grows or atrophies according to how it is used. It is not, it appears, a rigid pattern laid down at birth. Which could mean that the impact of how we live, our experiences and learning, affects how the brain looks and how we behave. Which means that because we expect boys and girls do behave differently, give them different opportunities and experiences, their brains may develop differently too.

It’s fascinating, isn’t it? Always look beyond the headline!

Photo credit: Joanie

Three Reasons Why Women Don’t Progress???

Well, if all the research and statistics are to be believed we women are a feeble bunch and hugely lacking in confidence! And that lack of confidence in our own abilities is a significant reason in our not applying for the top jobs!

Hmm, yes, confidence is an issue for many women in all areas of life, not least when it comes to grabbing those higher income and high status posts. That’s what the research tells us and that’s what we tell the researchers, apparently.

But I believe it cuts much deeper than that. I think we shy away (are kept away) from some of those top jobs because:

Three Reasons Women Are Not At The Top

1) We physically have children and society has still not organised itself in such a way that child care is valued (think how much child carers, usually women, get paid). It’s a rare organisation where women are not penalised in the career stakes if they reproduce. And that’s not to mention the other pressures coming to bear on women once they become mothers. I just did a quick mental trawl of the senior women I have worked with and I can think of only one who has children.

2) By and large the decisions as to who to promote are still made by men, de facto, as there aren’t many women in those top positions.There is a well researched bias that we tend to gravitate towards people like us. And appoint them…

3) The world of work has been designed by men and suits men well but it doesn’t really suit women. There is a strong gender bias operating. We are continually adapting, whether we realise it or not, and that leads to a feeling of dissonance, which in turn can erode our confidence in the workplace. Often we react by opting out (I know I did!) or setting up our own businesses. Maybe we are misinterpreting that feeling ‘at odds’ with the system as a lack of confidence in our own abilities?

Your Views

What do you think?

Are you in a senior position?

How did you get there and how does it feel?

Have you held back from applying for a senior post and why?

What would help redress the balance do you think?

Please do share your views! Agree/disagree/don’t know/new insights!. I really look forward to hearing from you!

Your Dream Dinner Party

I was recently a guest on a BBC radio programme where I had the joy of putting together my dream dinner party. I was asked to compile a list of 4 people I’d like to invite to a dinner party. This is my four. See if this is a dinner party you’d like an invite to!

Rosa May Parks

First I’d invite Rosa May Parks who refused to stand on a segregated bus when there were empty seats available reserved only for ‘white people’ and was hugely influential in the Civil Rights Movement in the US.  She was just an ordinary woman, a seamstress, who had had enough and literally stood up for herself and came to be called the ‘First Lady of Civil Rights’. I’d love to meet her and ask her did she have any idea of what her action would set off? Did she ever regret becoming such a high profile woman, and where did she think that courage came from? And I’d like to see her chatting with my second guest

Emmeline Pankhurst. The Pankhurst women are well known as leaders of the Suffragette movement. Unlike the action sparked by Rosa, violent protest came to be a significant part of their striving for change (although not eagerly embraced by all the suffragettes).  Emmeline had five children; her daughter Christabel worked closely with her, what a mother daughter combination.

Finally, in year of her death, women got the vote on the same terms as men, but that was only in 1928! (in 1914 only women over 30 could vote) I’d like to know what she was like, where she got that fervour from. She must have been a very powerful woman; when the suffragettes were imprisoned for their acts of civil disobedience they went on hunger strike. Some were force fed (until politically that became too contentious) The story goes that a group of guards advanced on Emmeline to force feed her but she gave them such a telling off they retreated! She might be quite a scary guest but very interesting! I wonder what she would think of the position now where lots of women shy away from calling themselves feminists.

I’d also invite Judi Dench. I think she’s a wonderful actress and I’d love to meet her (and introduce her to my actor son!) I’d like to ask her about what she said once about self belief. I think she was playing Cleopatra. I never saw it but she said she just believed she was beautiful. Everyone who saw and subsequently wrote about that production said she was! That is amazing self belief! And I’m also told by people who have met her that she is a thoroughly nice woman. I’m sure she’d like to meet Rosa and Emmeline.

I dithered on this last one between Beryl Cook, artist, and Mary Wesley, novelist. Both are women who came to prominence in later life, showing age really is irrelevant. I plumped for Mary in the end as Beryl was quite reclusive and would probably hate it. She’d prefer to be sitting in a Bristol pub watching everyone.

Mary Wesley had her first adult novel published at the age of 71 and it was pretty raunchy, dispelling yet another myth about older people and sex. I’d love to ask her about her war time experiences. I’ve heard she was in MI5, but don’t know if it’s true. Between ‘83 and ‘97 she wrote ten novels and has been described as ‘Jane Austen with sex’.  I mention both women a lot on my courses to show it really is never too late. She died when she was 90, and stopped writing at around the age 87. I’d definitely be saying “And what did you do during the war, Mary?”

Your Dream Guests

So if you were to put together your dream list of guests, who would you include and why?

Do You Trust Yourself?

How many people in your life do you trust, really trust? How many people are there in whose opinions you have total confidence?

I hope you can count quite a few. Did you include yourself? Do you trust yourself and your own instincts? Do you have confidence in what you can do and the decisions you make?

Making a Decision

When you have to make a difficult or very significant decision you may have a particular friend whose judgement you value. Or maybe a family member or parent. You may perhaps even imagine advice from someone you don’t know, or someone like a parent, who is no longer living but still a valuable inspiration to you.

It’s good to get advice. But how often do you listen to you? Do you trust your own advice? Do you find yourself thinking sometimes you ought to be doing something?

If you listen very carefully to your inner self you’ll know whether you ‘ought‘ to or not. Don’t rush it, take your time, sleep on it and listen to yourself. Trust yourself to know what is best for you. Literally ask yourself the question and wait to hear the answer in your own head. Trust that you will do what is best for you, whatever anyone else is saying. You are the architect of your own life, in charge of your own development, so take hold of it and follow your instincts.

You may think that an odd thing for me to say, spending a lot of time as I do professionally helping women at various stages in their lives. It isn’t my role to tell women what to do, but to help them work out what it is they want to do! And then to have the confidence to really go for it!