Women’s Confidence – Where Is It?

I was at a social event recently when the inevitable “and what do you do?” question came up. I know it’s considered smart to be able to answer in a sentence or a pithy sound bite but… in all honesty I’d fail the speed networking test hands down. I really can’t sum up the complexity of what I do in a sentence. Particularly so as I have an aversion to using the word ‘coach’. But if forced confidence building for women is what I say.

The underlying theme of all that I do is building confidence in women. Lack of confidence has been identified by the Institute of Leadership and Management as a significant factor in women not being equally represented in senior positions.

Yet almost all the women I work with do have confidence, and many of them are already in senior positions, so maybe my little networking soundbite should be ‘I grow women’s confidence’.

Most definitions of confidence run something like this one:

I am always intrigued that women are seen to have less confidence (than men is what we’re really saying here).

Confidence can be a vague and nebulous thing; one day we feel brimming with it and another day we’re knocked off balance by a chance remark. We know that experiences we have in childhood can nurture or knock our confidence levels. Coincidentally, I was having this conversation with my hairdresser recently. She commented that my children must have masses of confidence because I was such a ‘go getty’ type of person and had encouraged them to try new things etc.

In contrast, although in a very loving relationship, she felt her parents had been over cautious leading to her being over cautious in life, (although,as I pointed out, she was running her own business! Not too cautious then.) She is right, our early experiences set patterns we can play out for the rest of our lives. Or we can choose to do something different.

Women’s Confidence

It is possible to learn to be more confident, although it’s not easy. I have watched women bloom on my training courses which is an amazing privilege. It begins with increasing our self esteem, the opinion we have of ourselves. If we have received positive,  affirming and consistent messages in our childhood we can more easily grow and develop our confidence.  We are more likely to take risks, push ourselves.

If we haven’t had that type of parenting we may be full of self doubt, ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’. We’ll probably have a default mode of seeing ourselves as victims, someone done unto, rather than a doer of. But the liberating fact is that we can choose to be different! It’s not easy to break those early patterns but it can be done.

Women’s Collective History

But that doesn’t really explain why so many women who are very confident in many other areas of their lives feel a lack of it at work. It doesn’t explain why we are paid less, generally ask for less, and undersell ourselves.

I think that has something to do with the way women have historically been treated in the world of work. There is a parallel between the effects of  less positive parenting on children’s development, and growing up in a world where being female is valued less than being male.

Women clearly do successfully overcome this. I think the first step is an awareness of how it has happened, an understanding of the subtleties of discrimination, however unintentional. This knowledge is itself empowering. And then recognising the impact it has had on you; identifying patterns, negative messages and so on.

Like everything in life it takes practice which is why we often need some support. Which is one reason why I do what I do.

You can find out more details about working with me here

And if you have a story to share, I’d love to hear it.

Photo Credit: Annika Banfield

Been Slutwalking Lately?

Slutwalking is the latest movement in feminism sweeping Europe and the US. It sprang up pretty spontaneously after a Canadian police officer dredged up the old sore of females dressing like ‘sluts’, and thereby poor chaps couldn’t but help themselves but commit sexual attacks on women. So women have only themselves to blame….Demeaning to both sexes, I’m sure you’ll agree but symptomatic of a widely held view.

Masses has been written on the subject but here are two articles I found particularly helpful; I’d like to share them with you. One is from the US and the other from the very excellent Suzanne Moore writing in The Guardian newspaper.

Click here for the US article, and here to read Suzanne. Let me know what you think. Would you join a slutwalk? Have you been on one?

Right, anyone for a slutwalk? Apparently you can dress just as you wish. There’s a novel idea…

Picture Credit: McKenna71

How To Improve your Working Life with 3 Simple Ideas!

It’s hard enough at the best of times if you don’t like your job but when there’s an economic downturn it can feel like a prison sentence. Good jobs are thin on the ground, and let’s face it, we’ve all got to eat and pay the bills. And so you stay put and try not to rock the boat too much but it’s eating away at you. Your enthusiasm starts to wane, you lose motivation,your joie de vivre for other parts of your life is affected and before you know it you’re well and truly fed up!

How to Improve Your Working Life

Here’s three tips to help you cope with the bad times and get ready for the upturn (trust me, this will pass).

1Don’t Take it Personally, Think Global

We women have an uncanny ability to personalise things. Thoughts like ‘Why me?‘, ‘I’m no good’, ‘I’m so unlucky’ start to morph into ‘I’ll never get a good job again‘, ‘no one will employ me’. It’s a downward spiral and doing you no good at all. I’m all for being realistic about situations and the reality of this situation is that there is a global economic downturn and ‘times is ‘ard’ for almost everyone. It is not personal.

2 Upgrade Your Spam Filter

Now about those little messages dropping unwanted into your brain as you sigh over yet another unrewarding piece of work you have to do. Believe me, they are making you feel worse. So if we want to feel better we need to deal with them. If you’re a regular reader you’ll know I’m very into evidence based research and using techniques that work. Well, positive thinking is not something off the wall; it’s a technique that works and is used in treatment models for all kinds of conditions.

First you have to identify your negative messages to self (write them down as the thoughts go in; I bet you’re really unkind to yourself sometimes). Then you have to harness that negative impact for a good and positive one. So turn your spam into something helpful, like ‘ I am good at what I do’, ‘this will pass’, and so on. I can’t write them for you as they have to be something that sounds like you talking and doesn’t make you squirm with embarrassment!

3 Find Something Fulfilling Outside of Work

When you’re not getting what you want from work try and get it from somewhere else! Work out what you’re missing: challenge, stimulation, new learning, team work, responsibility, money maybe, and see if there is a way of finding that outside your current role. You could offer yourself and your skills to a charity, maybe do an additional part time job (that’s harder but not impossible), start an online course, read a self help book and try out what it advises, sign up for an evening class…. Give yourself ten minutes to jot down all the possibilities, don’t censor anything. Or better still do it with a friend and make it fun.

I’d love to hear how you cope or have coped if you’ve ever been stuck in a job rut. And don’t forget my book ‘When Work Isn’t Working’ covers all of this and more.

Photo Credit: Kostas Kitsos

Women Together – A Class Act

I have just finished one of my Renewyou courses at a great hotel in Bristol. I am very tired but very happy and energised at one and the same time. What a wonderful collection of women I have just had the privilege of spending a day with.

There really is something magical about a group of women all working together to support and help each other. It truly plays to our strengths; the feeling of trust, caring and respect that was engendered was almost palpable.

I wish some of those people who tell me women are ‘bitchy’ and ‘uncooperative’ together could have seen the magic that happened yesterday. Of course, everyone had a common purpose, to make a positive change in their lives, but already I’ve had enough comments from them to know that something else happened. There was a generosity of spirit that will reward both the givers and receivers. These are not women who will be pulling up the ladder behind them but reaching out to help other women.

So to all you women who were with me yesterday in Bristol, I sincerely thank you. It was a very special day for me too. I wish you success in all your endeavours. I know you will be fabulous!

“One’s prime is elusive. You little girls, when you grow up, must be on the alert to recognize your prime at whatever time of your life it may occur.” Murial Spark in The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie.

RenewYou Women, you are most definitely in your prime now! Grab it with both hands!

Women’s friendships are important.

Photo Credit: West Suburban -Women’s friendship group

Who’s Holding You Back?

If you’ve decided the time is right to make some positive and lasting changes in your life, I salute you! It’s not easy and I hope you find some material on this site which will inspire and motivate you! That’s why I write it, after all.

Sadly, you will probably find that not everyone is supportive of your new outlook. It’s not usually because they are unkind people; in fact, it may be those closest to you who seem to be subtly undermining your efforts. And that’s because when you begin to change they can feel threatened.

Change is Good?

You are probably feeling great about having decided to make some positive life changes but for people close to us it can feel like a threat to the status quo. They may not even be aware of it on a conscious level but subconsciously they may be sabotaging your efforts, like offering the woman who wants to lose weight a cream cake!

Your decision to make changes in your life may be viewed as a criticism of what has gone before. They may feel they weren’t ‘good enough’ or that you have been unhappy and they didn’t realise.

Seek Support

You can avoid this by seeking their support early on. Ask them what they think of what you’re planning. Explain why you want to change. You can admit to feeling a bit unsure yourself and explain that their support is important to you. Involve them. Research also shows that women who tell people about their resolutions usually do better in achieving them!

Photo Credit: Pablonsky

What’s the Chances of Women Quotas on Boards with a Largely Male Government?

There are 648 elected MPs in the British Parliament

Women sitting in the House of Commons.

At the General Election of May 2010 143 women, 22% of the total, were elected as Members of Parliament, the highest number ever with one in five MPs now a woman.

Of these MPs:

49 are Conservative;

7 Liberal Democrats;

81 Labour;

1 Green Party;

1Scottish National Party;

1 Social Democrat & Labour Party;

1 Sinn Fein;

1 Alliance and1 Independent

Of the three main parties:

Labour has the highest proportion of women MPs, 31%;

the Conservatives have 16%

and Liberal Democrats 12%.

(Source House of Commons Information fact-sheets)

Will a male dominated government ever truly challenge the status quo? Will we see quotas for women on company boards introduced in UK?

Why so few women in parliament? Well, if you’re a regular reader you’ll know my response to that. Men designed how our parliament works and it works well for men. It doesn’t work well for women; it was designed with only one half of the population in mind.

My personal view is that until we do introduce quotas, little will change. It’s a conclusion I come to reluctantly.

Read what one of my favourite feminist journalists, Suzanne Moore has to say on the topic here.

What do YOU think?

Photo Credit: Ben G