Be a Good Friend to Yourself

How many times day are you rude to yourself? Stop and think about how you talk to yourself for a moment or two. Do you use phrases like: ‘I‘m so stupid‘, ‘ I never get that right‘, ‘What an idiot I am‘, ‘I’m so fat, I have no will power’.

Talking to Yourself?

We all do it from time to time with varying degrees of rudeness! And much of the time it doesn’t matter. But sometimes the balance tips and we can actually create self fulfilling prophecies in our lives; we make ourselves feel worse and less able to combat the behaviour we want to change.

I have an exercise in my RenewYou course when we look at some of the self talk that goes on almost unnoticed in our heads, and the negative impact it has on our behaviour. I call it ‘Internal Mail’, some of which should go straight to the junk box! That exercise doesn’t translate well onto the page but below is one that does.

Try This Exercise

Pay attention for one day to the way you speak to yourself. If you can, jot the offending phrases down and what was happening when you ’said’ it.

At the end of the day, review what you have written. Now imagine yourself with your best friend and that she/he is telling you of similar incidents to the ones you have experienced. Do you tell them they are stupid, or do you offer support, encouragement, advice and sympathy? I have no doubt it’s the latter. I am sure you are a much better friend to them than to yourself!

Try the exercise again, noting down your self talk. Only this time respond as if to a friend. Give yourself the same level of support, encouragement, advice and sympathy that you give to your friends. Be a best friend to yourself for a change!

Question

What’s the worst or funniest thing you say to yourself?

Dream and Be Happy!

It’s true that happiness is in the now, but thinking about positive events you’ve experienced in the past (and anticipating those you might have in the future) can actually increase your happiness levels in the present moment.

I was reminded of this following a conversation with a friend planning for a forthcoming wedding. He was concerned that all the anticipatory talk would lead to a sense of anti climax when it actually happened. On the contrary, I replied, often all the anticipatory talk adds to the overall enjoyment of the event.

“Savoring past pleasurable experiences boosts your positive emotions in the present, and positive emotions are the key to happiness,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness (Penguin, 2008).

The Happiness Bank

However, this doesn’t work if thinking of good times fills you with melancholia because those times are in the past. The key is to tap into the pleasure and good feelings the event provided, not bemoan the fact that the experience is now behind you. I treasure happy moments as they are happening and also metaphorically deposit them in my ‘happiness bank’. If you can use all your senses the experience can be even more vivid; conjure up the smells, sounds, sights etc..

And the act of anticipating happy events — even one as seemingly banal as watching a comedy show — can be equally as uplifting. Recent research has even shown that you don’t need to actually laugh to reap the effects. People who were planning to watch their favourite comedies had a significant increase in mood-enhancing hormones even before the programme started.

So, if you don’t have time today to spend a little time in pleasurable day dreaming, record an episode of your favourite funny show and look forward to watching in the evening!

What’s the best memory in your happiness bank?

Are You Good at Problem Solving?

I love to do crosswords. I nearly always have one on the go and they help keep my brain sharp.

I have just picked up the paper again and puzzled over this clue:

‘Decent chalet I suspect’   7 letters.

I had one clue, it ended in L.

I struggled over this for a while when it suddenly came to me. The answer was ‘ethical’. It was an anagram of chalet I with decent being the key word.

The Coaching Anagram

As I wrote in the answer I laughed at myself because there it was written in the margins of the paper from yesterday. I had forgotten that I had worked out that problem before!

It made me think about the parallels with my coaching practice; I coach very bright, often very senior, women who sometimes can’t see the solution that they know is there, or forget that they have experiences to draw on to help them solve their current puzzle. My role is to help them get the letters in the right order!

So, take a few minutes now and again to reflect on all your experience and skills. If you give yourself a little space and time you may well find the answer to any of life’s problems lurking in your margins!

If you have had an experience when the answer was staring you in the face all the time, please do let me know! You may inspire someone else to find their solution!

Write a Letter

How long since you last wrote a letter?

On my renewyou course participants write a letter to themselves! It’s a very potent way of helping you keep to your resolutions.

Try this exercise now when you can find a quiet space over next few days.

Take a sheet of paper (and remember that doing this with coloured crayons can actually enhance your creative thinking).

Imagine now that you are writing a summary of your life over last  2 years to an imaginary friend who only has your well being at heart.

Think about the following headings and add some of your own:

Career

Love

Relationships

Home

Hobbies

Friends

Jot down what you love about these areas of your life, and what you would like to bring into these areas of your life.

Coaching Questions

Which area is most important to you right now?

What one thing could you do to improve your quality of life in this area?

Who or what do you need to make this happen?

When does it need to happen by?

Why aren’t you doing it……..?

Positive Thinking – a negative act?

There’s been a lot of debate and discussion in the media about positive thinking and whether it has any real value. So here are my thoughts on positive thinking!

I do not believe that thinking positive thoughts alone changes anything in fact and reality.

I do not think by lying in my room focussing on the amount of money I want to earn, or world peace, will actually achieve either of those things.

I am not aware of any empirical, peer reviewed research that supports this idea (although I am aware of single pieces of research on the power of prayer, etc)

However, I do believe that what we think has a powerful impact on how we act, how we are perceived by others, and this DOES have an impact on how we behave and how others behave towards us.

An Example

One of the most upsetting comments often made to me at seminars etc is that somehow, by failing to think positively about a situation, people have brought harm upon themselves, or worse, upon people they care about. I have even heard some people suggesting that if people only had taken charge of their health and thought more positively about it then they would not have got ill.

There is a small element of truth in this; if I am unhappy, smoke, overeat and use drugs and medication to ill effect, then I am in a sense allowing myself to become ill. Or at the very least shortening my odds on a long and healthy life.

But to go from this position to a (in my opinion) nonsensical and judgemental all illness is brought upon ourselves viewpoint is a total distortion of the benefits of positive thinking.

But I do believe there is a huge role for positive thinking in helping people feel better and aiding recovery. And there is substantial evidence of this, particularly in the field of mental health, with well researched bona fide studies on the impact of cognitive behavioural therapy, C.B.T.

At its most simplistic level, if I think sad thoughts I make myself feel sad, or more sad. And vice versa.

When I’m coaching people one of my most frequent questions is a variant of ‘How did you feel when ***** happened?‘ Understanding how our thoughts are impacting on our behaviour helps us  possibly change that behaviour. If, as often transires, a negative train of thought is being tripped into action, recognising that pattern and reversing it (by using positive thinking among other things) can have hugely beneficial consequences. Not because there is something magical and mystical about postive thinking, but because reframing how we look at life helps us deal with it differently- and it can make us feel better!

Stoic Philosopy

As ever, I return to my old friend (very old, born AD 55) Epictetus, a Greek Stoic Philosopher who said:

“We are not touched so much by events themselves, but by the view we CHOOSE to take of them”

We can’t control life’s events by merely thinking about them in a certain way, but we can control how we react to them. We always have a choice and I believe choosing to think about life in a positive way enhances all of your life, and the lives of those around you!

But what do YOU think?

Women and Careers Tip 11

Why Can’t a Woman be More Like a Man?

Well, because she’s a woman! Men and women ARE different, for whatever reasons. And until what women bring to the workplace is equally valued along with male attributes, we’ll always be a pace behind, trying to fit into a male oriented workplace.

An issue that crops up time and time again when I’m coaching senior women is ‘how can I be true to myself yet still progress?’ My response is often to reverse the same question:

How can you progress without being true to yourself?

 That way madness lies. So don’t try and behave like a man, dress in pinstripes, wear ties (shades of the 80s for those old enough to remember!) if that is not comfortable for you. Relish and be proud of your feminity.

Choices

If you are in a very traditional organisation where male attitudes dominate (however subliminal) you have some choices to make:

1)You can challenge the staus quo, using whatever means are comfortable and appropriate for you and your circumstances.

2) You can try and moderate your behaviour to the cultural norms and not rock the boat, i.e. behave like a man to get on, although as you aren’t actually a man, you may never cut the mustard.

3)You can plan to leave and go somewhere you can flourish!

If we women don’t promote feminine values in the workplace, who will?