What Stops You Being Assertive?

I often work with groups of people who want to be more assertive. But I rarely deliver a straightforward assertiveness training course; my starting point is finding out why people think they can’t be assertive.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is not, as was so often taught in the 80s, an “I win, you lose” scenario. It’s about being able to say what you want to with honesty and directness, having self respect while still being respectful of the other person. You can agree to disagree without having to diminish the other person - that’s bullying.

These are some of the questions I ask:

• When do you feel most able to express yourself with honesty?
• What thoughts go through your head when you imagine saying what you want to someone? What are your feelings? Anger? Fear?
• Is there an old message going round in your head that holds you back, i.e ‘people in authority should not be challenged’ or ‘keep your head down, it only causes trouble’
• What do you think would happen if you did say what you wanted to?
• What might happen if you were able to speak honestly and respectfully? What would be different?

I generally find that most of us have areas of our lives where we find it more difficult to speak up honestly for ourselves. Similarly most of us have areas where we have no trouble at all. One person who is feisty and direct with her parents may find herself turning to jelly when the boss makes an unreasonable demand. Likewise, someone who is able to be clear about her wishes at work, is seen as confident and assured, may find herself jumping to her teenage children’s every whim because she can’t stand the fall out of an argument.

If you sometimes find yourself behaving less than assertively, try answering the questions above. When do you find it most difficult to behave assertively?

How Inspirational Are You?

If you’ve looked at my Inspirational Women section, or receive my regular newsletter, you will see that I have a series of interviews with women all chosen to inspire YOU! I know from the many emails you send me that they do inspire you, and that you love the series. Thank you!

So I thought it might be fun if I asked you some of the questions. Please choose one or two to answer and share with other readers via the comments section of  the blog. Don’t compare, never compare. You are unique. Something you have to say might just be the magic push someone else needs to make a significant change in their life!

Here are some typical interview questions that I ask of my Inspirational Women. Answer them honestly about yourself, no hiding of lights!

Your Questions

1) What was your very first paid job, and do you use any skills you acquired then in your present role?

2) Which person had had the biggest influence in your life so far?

3) What is the best piece of advice you have been given?

4) What is the best piece of advice you have ever given and to whom?

5) Have you ever encountered sexism in your working or personal life and if so, how did you deal with it?

6) How do you relax?

7) Did you plan your career/life or have events just happened?

8) What has been your best mistake and why?

9) What is the best thing for you when you’re feeling stressed?

10) What is your favourite saying, or piece of poetry, or book?

11) What has been your biggest achievement to date, the thing in your life that you are most proud of?

12) If you could change one thing in your life right now, what would it be?

Even if you don’t want to share any of your answers, do have a go at the questions. And forward this link to anyone you think would enjoy answering them too. I think you’ll end up inspiring yourself! In my experience, most women are very good at underselling themselves and it takes an exercise like this that makes you realise just how WONDERFUL YOU ARE!

The Harassed Manager’s Guide to Change

This is an extract from a small book I wrote for participants when running change workshops for managers. I hope you find it useful. It’s a short, light hearted and practical look at managing staff through change, with practical, down to earth exercises that work – and no jargon!

The book is dedicated to all of those front line managers and small business owners faced with an organisational or business change to implement. Whether it’s of your making or not you will have to take the flak, even when you’re feeling as fed up as everyone else. Read this when you are expected to know all the answers, when you must look in control, even when you’re screaming inside; this is your book!

CHAPTER ONE

‘Cometh the hour cometh the man’…or woman… or anyone, please?

OK, so the powers that be have just told you about their latest initiative and how wonderful the world will be once their new plan/reorganisation/merger/ acquisition is put into place. You front line managers, they tell you, have nothing to worry about because a team of consultants are coming in to manage the change and you will get all the information you need as and when. Just go back and let your team know that change is afoot, oh and by the way, don’t let productivity fall off and keep everyone happy, absence levels down and all the staff on board with the new plan!

Or maybe you are the owner of a small business and have just announced some significant changes to your business like relocation, or a new customer care system. At this stage you may know where you want to get to but not be entirely sure of the route. And your employees are looking at you for answers…

Of course, this being the real world your team or employees probably already knows that something is afoot and will have been discussing it amongst themselves for ages. Already the rumour mill will have been grinding on.

It is really important that you set the right tone right from the beginning even if you may think there is nothing you can usefully say at the moment. But can you just say you don’t know yet?

No Creative Speechifying

Well, yes you can actually. If you start with the ‘creative speechifying’ now you will only tie yourself up in knots later on when it becomes obvious that you don’t know. It is really important at this early stage to establish your credibility so I suggest the following:

Actions
1) Get everyone together as soon as you can. Whenever it is at all possible do difficult communication face to face, or rather your face to their faces. E mail is cowardly and open to misinterpretation, doctoring, and can be sent across the world in the blink of an eye. Don’t do it.

2) It is important now to establish the tone for all future discussions so be as honest as you are can. Tell them that you will meet with them regularly to update them and take questions (because you will, won’t you) and as far as you are able you will tell them everything you can. Tell them that you will invite questions both now and after they have had time to absorb the information.

3) If they are very quiet at this stage don’t be misled. They are probably in shock and have not yet fully absorbed what they have been told. When you leave the room you will probably hear a lot of discussion immediately strike up behind you but don’t take it personally. Never take it personally. You are the immediate face of management and their representative on earth so you will get some flak, but don’t take it personally. This will require some practice….

4) While you still have some energy set up your own support network. You will need it, preferably with some managers or business owners in the same position. Make spaces in your diary now and commit to getting together regularly to share information, coping strategies and handkerchiefs. Go to that next business/management networking event and find someone with experience of this. Or use formal support like a coach.

5) Look up the details of any staff counselling/welfare service or anything offered locally. Even if you don’t need it someone will soon. You might even give them a call to check that someone has remembered to warn them of the likely increase in calls to their service. Maybe even arrange a date to get them in to tell your team what they can offer? If you run a small business try your local support group or Business Link to see if they can offer anything.

6). Go home. You’ve had a tiring day.

Are You a Blue Thinker? Or Green…Or Red?

If you find yourself in a group faced with a task of creating something new this might help!

Blue, Red, & Green Thinking

I am grateful for this idea to Nigel May Barlow, author of Re-Think-How to Think Differently.

He talks about three stages of creative thinking:

Blue - Blue is for IDEAS- with the sky being the limit! Blue type questions are Well, why not? and What if we…?

Red - Red is for STOP, like traffic lights. It’s the selection, evaluation, fine tuning and prioritising stage, choosing your best ideas.

Green – Green is for GO, deciding who is going to do what, by when, planning in the milestones.

In any group of people you are likely to find a scattering of all these types. Some will be more comfortable with a particular colour than others. if you get too many in one category you may miss out some of the valuable stages.

For example, a room of Blues may generate some fabulous ideas but never actually get around to putting them into action! Whereas Reds will never allow enough discussion of ideas as they push to get something agreed. And the Greens will be busy planning who is doing what before Blues have finished being creative!

What colour are you? How does it show itself in you?

Please….

What really gets your goat? I have to say that bad manners does it for me. I hate it when people are rude for no particular reason at all. So I really enjoyed this article from Oliver Burkeman on his strategy for dealing with public impoliteness. Take a look and see if you agree with him.

I’m not sure I’d be as bold as him! My strategy when someone barges into the front of the queue or line, is to give them the benefit of the doubt, politely tap them on the shoulder and ask, (loudly enough for all to hear): “Excuse me, but did you realise there was a queue here?”

I don’t use a sarcastic tone; I ask it as a genuine enquiry and usually they mumble ‘no, sorry’ and go to the end of the line. And if they ignore me I know there’s no point in worrying about it any further!

What do you do?

Stop Talking to Your Partner!

Well, not entirely… maybe that should read stop talking AT your partner!

Sometimes with coaching the client starts in one place and together we end up somewhere completely different. Thus, a session that begins with an overview of a work related problem can end up being much more about personal issues.

Communication Breakdown

And so it was with Coral*. Coral came to coaching for help with issues communicating at work; as we worked together we discovered that many of her fears stemmed from a break down in communication with her partner. This had resulted in a loss of confidence in other areas of her life which was affecting how she related to her colleagues.

Root Cause

With her permission, we headed back to the main cause of her loss of confidence. Communication between her and her partner had degenerated into a series of instructions for household management, along with a plethora of repetitive, inconsequential, circular arguments.

A minor issue would develop into something larger with neither listening to the other. Instead, each would launch into their own well rehearsed argument. During our sessions, Coral realised that she didn’t actually listen to her partner as she was sure she knew what he was going to say. So, instead of giving her partner any attention she was busy using his talking time composing her next riposte. She heard him talking but she wasn’t connecting to what he was saying. Their was no communication, more a series of ‘positions’ offered with each interrupting and cutting across the other. And she was equally convinced that he ‘never’ listened to her.

The Plan

Together we worked on a strategy for breaking this cycle. She couldn’t change her partner’s behaviour (at least not directly) but she could change her own.

First, she had to overcome her feelings of resentment (childlike ego state) and move to a more adult perspective of her partnership. Coral began to realise that attributing her feelings to her partner was counter productive; he didn’t MAKE her feel anything. She felt the way she did because of all the myriad things that had made her the unique person she was. Her feelings were her own responsibility and she could exercise some control over how she felt. This freed her up to make the first move as she moved from a combative mindset to one focussed on improving her relationship.

And her first task was to listen, really listen to what he was saying. To listen without judging, without feelings of resentment, without feeling a need to justify. It’s easier said than done (or actually not said!) but with the support of coaching she persevered. Instead of coming back at him with her own snappy retorts, she paid him attention. She was respectful and acknowledged his views, without necessarily agreeing with him.

Cease Fire

As her partner realised he was being listened to, his behaviour began to change too. Gradually they began to talk as adults, each taking responsibility, about the future of their relationship.

Happy Ever After…?

Of course, it wasn’t just happy ever after immediately, this is a true story, not a fairy tale! But it did break the cycle and it did give Coral a feeling of being in control of her life. And that percolated through to her working life. Taking some control of issues at home allowed her to see work issues with a fresh eye and she applied some of the listening techniques to her professional life, with good results. And feeling better about work helped her at home…a virtuous circle.

Coaching

If you have an issue you think our working together could help, give me a call on 01761 438749 or email me if you prefer.

*Of course, Coral is not her real name, and several details have been changed to maintain client confidentiality