Have You Got a Sorry Habit?

Does being in the company of some people turn you into an over apologiser? By which I mean do you find yourself prefacing your sentences with ‘I’m sorry…’ or continually asking forgiveness for irrelevant things? Has saying ‘sorry‘ become a habit?

This topic came up in a recent coaching session. Further exploration revealed that being with particular people made my client anxious and when she felt anxious she began over apologising. And when she over apologised she put herself in an inferior position to the person she was with. And that made her feel more anxious so she…..you get the idea!

In this case the apologising had almost become reflexive; as soon as the feeling of anxiety kicked in she began apologising, began starting her sentences with ‘I’m sorry’ or apologising for things nothing to do with her, for example slow service in a cafe. The underlying reason was lack of confidence, which we addressed, but first she had to break the S word habit.

Feelings

If you find yourself in this position take a moment to work out what your underlying feelings are.  Pause and say to yourself “What am I actually feeling now”. Anxiety may be part of it, lack of confidence, inferiority feelings and so on. Once you identify the core reason you can take some steps to deal with it.

Habit

Breaking a habit succeeds best if you replace the old behaviour with something else. If you have  a habit of starting sentences with ‘I’m sorry’ when you mean ‘I want to interrupt’ try saying, ‘May I interrupt for a moment’. Be literal. Or you could try beginning by using the person’s name instead of the S word.

Over use of the word sorry is very common with women. I hear it often on my training courses and sometimes it sounds as if the woman is apologising for having a point of view to express. It devalues what follows it, detracts from the authority of your words. Banish it.

And if an apology is genuinely appropriate, try and find another way of offering it. You don’t need to banish the S word forever, just while you are in sorry therapy!

A Funny Thing Happened to Me Last Week…

When Work Isn't Working

I got an email a couple of weeks ago which stopped me in my tracks. Let me explain the background.

Recently I published my 50th newsletter. I really wanted to thank all my readers who have helped it grow tenfold (by generously passing it on friends and colleagues), so I ran a  competition. I offered regular subscribers an opportunity to win a  free copy of my book ‘When Work isn’t Working’ and, as my readership is all over the world, I promised to send it anywhere in the world. All I wanted to know was how long people had been reading the newsletter.

I had responses from all over the world and printed the addresses so I could pick some at random. One of the enties was a South African email address. As I’ve had articles in South African magazines I have quite a lot of readers there so this was no surprise. What was a surprise was the address they had given – it was a two minute walk from my home in a village in the south West of England!

At first I assumed that I had somehow transposed the address from another email but no, it was genuine. I contacted the sender who told me she had applied on behalf of her daughter as she thought she could really do with the book just now. And so it was popped through her letter box, much to her surprise!

It’s an amazing coincidence, isn’t it? And I really hope she enjoys the book (I’ll let you know!) And it was great to have helped a Mum out who was concerned about her daughter half way around the globe; one of those little human connections that uplift you.

When was the last time a funny thing happened to you…?

By the Power of Grayskull! Ahem…

The other day I was delivering a rousing end of course speech to my participants, when the words  “By the Power of Grayskull” left my lips! My audience laughed loudly,  assuming I was deliberately being amusing (laughter is a strong component amongst all the serious stuff in my work!)

But in all honesty I wasn’t. The words just crept up unbidden and popped out when I wasn’t looking! I was talking about not giving away one’s personal power and a trip switch took me backwards.

The Origin

Now you may know exactly where the phrase comes from but I couldn’t remember for the life of me and so had to Google it. In case you don’t know, it’s  from HE- MAN and the  masters of the Universe! (It’s obviously ironic…)

And somewhere in my brain it had lingered since the days I sat down to watch children’s TV with my kids, now 28 and 24! I had used the word ‘power‘ in relation to the women I was coaching and an old neural pathway had opened up in my brain!

Now, apart from me looking a tad bonkers, my verbal slip did no harm. But sometimes old ways of thinking can creep up on us which are harmful to us, which will deter us from following our goals, from being successful. You may think you have conquered that lack of confidence but suddenly something will flip the switch, and almost without us realising we are following a well trodden pathway and our old un-confident self emerges.

What was your last ‘Power of Grey Skulls’ moment?

PS I Googled ‘he man’ to find a picture to illustrate this post. It is astonishing how many grown ups have posted pictures of themselves in He Man costumes!! I spared you….

Talking to Cats is Good for You!

If you follow me on Twitter you’ll know I am a mad cat lady in training. Which is why my daughter gave me a book on cat behaviour. I can’t say I have actually trained my cats but it has helped me to understand some of their more seemingly eccentric behaviours!

And it struck me that the same is true of people. If you watch and observe in a non judgemental way you can learn so much more about the people with whom you work. And then you can tailor your responses appropriately.

So if a colleague is giving you grief, think cat! Observe what presses their buttons, for good or ill. Try and be objective, try to get inside their psyche and work out what motivates them, what irks them, what they are good at and what needs work! Notice when they are purring or when their tail is wagging, so to speak (for non cat lovers, cats wag their tails when annoyed!)

It might not make them as appealing as a kitten, but it might just help you communicate with them better!

How do you manage your less than helpful colleagues? Do share any tips and advice.

PS In response to requests, the book is called The Cat Whisperer by Claire Bessant

Can You See Your Future?

One of the most frequent dilemmas presented to me when coaching is

” I don’t like where I am but I don’t know where I want to be“.

Knowing where you want to be does not mean you’ll automatically get there, but it does help you make the right choices on the route!

It’s difficult sometimes; we all have a natural tendency to focus on what we don’t want, or don’t like. It’s much harder to be clear about we actually want.

So I have something to help you! If you click on the free audio download to your right you will hear me reading my specially written visualisation. It’s specifically designed to help you work out just where it is you want to be by tapping into your creative subconscious.

I wrote it as a companion to my book, but it works well alone too. You can, if you wish, download it to listen to at your leisure. Somewhere without distraction is best, where you can lie down, relax, and devote some time to what you really want from life!

Enjoy it!

Naked? How Do You Feel About That?

One of my favourite quotes is this one from Eleanor Rooselevelt:

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent’.

Manage Your Feelings

In fact, no one can MAKE you feel anything, good or bad! We feel the way we do because of the unique people we are and we do have some choice over our feelings.

So back to naked…. This is a wee story I use to illustrate the point when working with groups.

A naked person of the gender you find most attractive runs into the room, right now. He/she runs around the room, shaking their booty at all of us assembled, and then they run out of the room (you have to imagine my graphic representation of this, but fully clothed!), slamming the door shut.

We all sit there in stunned silence, until someone laughs, then someone tuts, and quietly someone cries. We have all experienced the same event at the same time in the same place, yet for however many of us are sat in that room there will be an equal number of reactions and FEELINGS to the event.

Because of who we are and the experiences we have had in life to date, we all feel differently about what has happened.

Criticism

So next time you have to assert yourself with someone or give feed back to someone, remember the story. ‘They’ don’t make you feel anything. Something they DO causes YOU to have your own feelings about it. So own that fact. ‘When you do so and so, I FEEL….’ Not ‘YOU make me feel angry’.

If you’re specific about the actual behaviour you don’t rubbish the person as a whole; you then stand a good chance of getting the outcome you want and preserving the relationship. No one can argue with what you feel! And no one can MAKE you feel anything!