Cooking and Coaching!

I have just been baking, one of my favourite activities. And while baking,  I was reminded of when I used to ‘teach’ cookery to lads in a youth club.

The lads were mainly from difficult or deprived backgrounds and regular truants. Violence was a feature of their daily lives. Hardly good prospects for cookery classes! Yet they loved it! And I never had any bother at all (although one boy did think it was really funny to hide in a cupboard and leap out brandishing a cook’s knife just as I was demonstrating how to separate eggs…)

Talking is Good

Teaching someone a new skill, or adding to their skill base, is a great place to talk things through and we had some amazing conversations over sieved flour! Nowadays I suppose it might be called coaching. For the boys it was general chat about life (with some discrete input from me) as we measured, stirred, cooked and created something together.

I took  A level Home Economics at school (does that still exist?) and loved the chat and discussion as much as the cooking. With hindsight probably too much!

And when I was a social worker, working with traumatized children, it was always good to do something practical with them. It’s always easier to talk about ‘difficult’ things when you don’t have to look directly at someone, when you’re engaged in a practical activity, particularly for youngsters.

And now, I still find cooking a good place to gather my thoughts; it’s almost meditative. (Well, until I day dream too much and the pan boils over!)  I often think I should maybe set up a cooking and coaching course!

When do you have some of your best thoughts?

Women, Have You Got a Good Friend?

Does having a good friend at work make you feel better about your job?

In a survey commissioned by Gallop of what makes a great workplace, having a best friend at work came in at number 10 in the top 12!

I have always smiled at this as this was a survey of 80,000 managers, and management can be very lonely. I don’t have a gender breakdown for it but I know when I’m running my women’s courses that women are happy to admit to this fact. For senior women it can be extremely isolating as often there are fewer women in similar positions and they can find themselves carrying the flag for all women’s issues in an organisation.

Fight/Flight

I think women in particular may value friendships at work because of our unique responses to stress. Although we also have the surge of adrenalin that prepares us to run away or stand and fight, we also have a third coping mechanism when feeling under stress. Women release oxytocin, the ‘love hormone’ which is released after childbirth to promote bonding.

Women Need Friends

It seems women may have an actual physiological need for friendship. As workplaces can be very stressful places is it any wonder that friendships score highly!

Try and take a few moments out of your busy day to consider the following:

• Do you have a best friend at work?
• How important are your friendships to you in managing the stresses and strains of life?
• Are you paying enough attention to your friendships?

And please do share your answers with us!

Why Can’t Women Show Emotion at Work?

A few weeks ago I was pleased to be listening to Sam Roddick speak at a women’s conference. She was brilliant. The nub of her speech was that she ran her business in her own way, regardless of disapproval from others or traditional business models. And if that meant she showed emotion when she was upset, that was fine. She was upset so she showed it.

“Men are allowed to get angry at work; that’s seen as acceptable. I get upset I cry. That’s not deemed acceptable. I say deal with it, or get therapy!”

She wasn’t talking about bursting into tears at inconsequential slights, not at all. She’s a very strong woman. She was talking about putting passion into what you do with your life and caring.

However, her way is not the accepted way of running a business. In the UK, business norms have been set by men. Male norms prevail and are rewarded, female behaviour is derided as ‘soft’ and not as effective.  Shows of emotion that aren’t anger are seen as a weakness. Many pioneer women in business had to behave like men and suppress their feminine side. Often this can penalise sensitive men as much as women. It’s bad enough for a woman to show her emotions; imagine what it’s like for a man in a macho world!

Diversity and Equality

We’ve moved on a lot and many new businesses have really good true equality policies which work in theory and practice (I’m thinking of Pepsico, for example, where difference is valued and equality doesn’t mean ‘allowing’ women to behave like men). The evidence is that where business values all its employees and has significant numbers of women in senior roles, the bottom line is better!

Yet I still find myself in coaching conversations with senior women struggling to survive in a macho culture which constantly undermines their contribution. Usually these women are working in long established business areas like banking, finance, and local government. Newer businesses, while not exempt, tend not to have a long history of  ‘We always do it this way; it’s worked up until now. Don’t rock the boat’

Why Can’t a Woman be More Like a Man?

Because she’s a woman! And women bring other equally valid and valuable qualities to the workplace. And a workplace which doesn’t acknowledge and nurture that is missing out an a huge valuable resource! Eventually those senior women will find places where all they bring to work is valued and respected, where they don’t have to struggle to fit a male model of desirable manager or executive.

Share Your Story

I would love to hear from you if you have had experience of this. I’d love to know if it’s not an issue in your workplace, and if it is. I’d love to know how you think we can combat it, who your best supporters were, who inspires you, and any advice you’d care to share! (You can remain anonymous if you wish, if speaking out feels too risky).

Reduce Stress – Be Polite!

At the risk of sounding like an old grouch, do you think rudeness is on the increase? By which I mean lack of the social niceties like saying thank you, allowing people to pass, holding the door open for the person following behind, smiling not snarling, offering a coffee to a colleague and so on.

Workplace Incivility

What are the politeness levels like where you work? A certain level of cut and thrust is inevitable from time to time, but workplaces where rudeness has become the norm can be very stressful places to be. You’ll find yourself adopting similar ways of behaving almost by osmosis. An aura of low level hostility is ever present. It benefits no one. And you will take that low level hostility and rudeness home with you in the guise of headaches, aches and lethargy.

Take Action

The good news is by becoming aware of it you can change your own responses and that may well change how people then react to you. You can start a civility movement!

Tips for your Civility Movement:

• Try to depersonalise the impolite comment or behaviour. Someone allowing a door to slam in your face may well have done that to anyone following them, it wasn’t actually aimed at you. So don’t take on board that bit of hostility but smile to yourself and leave it at the swinging door, (making sure you hold it open for the next person!)
• Being kind and civil to others might mean slowing you pace a little. If you are usually rushing somewhere your attention is focussed on the future, where you are heading, not where you actually are. You may be missing all sorts of opportunities to smile and interact with others. You may be being uncivil even without realising it. Try to notice your surroundings, to be more present, and make sure your default expression is a smile, or at the very least not  a grimace. Try and get a glimpse of ourself in any mirrors as you go about your business. Relax the jaw.
• Being civil means having an awareness of how other people might be affected by your actions. Bring your empathy skills into play and being polite and civil to others will be easy.
• Watch your language. I don’t just mean uttering oaths (although that too) but be aware of how you communicate with others. Sometimes it’s appropriate to ask, not simply tell or instruct. Replacing ‘You should do so and so‘ with ‘What do you think about  doing it this way..?‘ is so much more inclusive and civil.
• Banish sarcasm, however hysterical you think it is. Being sarcastic is actually quite aggressive behaviour and raises the stress levels of those who just don’t get it. Be clear and polite in your general communication.
• Acknowledge other people’s efforts; not by saying thank you so often that it becomes meaningless but by really noticing what they have done and making an appropriate comment.

Good manners cost nothing but can give huge benefits, for everyone! You can’t directly change the behaviour of those around you only your own. But that can be a huge and quietly powerful force for positive change. And back to my original question, do I think rudeness is on the increase? Only on days when I am feeling grumpy! When I’m happy and smiley somehow everyone else seems to be too! Thus proving my point….

What do you do when faced with uncivil behaviour?

Are YOU a Highly Sensitive Person?

Some people are much more sensitive than others – are you one of them? Are you an HSP?

When we feel vulnerable, lacking in confidence we all have a tendency to magnify our reactions and the reactions of others. If we’re feeling we’re not good enough at work, or we’re not attractive, for example, a chance remark from someone that seems to confirms those fears will have a huge impact on us.

Heightened Sensitivities

But there are some people for whom feeling a sense of heightened sensitivity is not an occasional occurrence. It colours their whole lives, which can severely limit their opportunities to live life to the full.

The American Psychologist, Dr Elaine Aron, has identified a distinct personality type called the HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON, (HSP). She has estimated that probably between 15 to 20% of the population fall into this category.

If you are an HSP you will process information and experiences more deeply; you’ll be more aware of the subtelties in life and in your surroundings. You might even find yourself getting overwhelmed if too much sensory information is around you.

Being HSP doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be introverted and it isn’t any more common in one gender than another. Dr Aron says it’s an all or nothing trait with a psychological basis- you either are or you’re not.

She has a test on her site which you can find here

If you score highly, all is not lost and this is a quality you can learn to value for the insight it brings. Just take a bit of time to reflect and use your gift of great empathy wisely and enjoy it.

Women, Are You Too Modest?

I was working in a London recently with a group of very talented female managers. They were an amazing group of women, professional and inspirational. Yet when it came to the exercise in Women Ahead where they are asked to look at their strengths and attributes, the room fell unusually silent and I could hear mutterings of:

“I could list all my faults but this is too flippin’ hard!”

Needless to say with encouragement we uncovered multiple talents once we got over the modesty forbids hurdle… Yet if we women are to succeed in the world of business we have to overcome this disinclination to blow our own trumpets!

Men Can Do It

Generally speaking, (and inevitably I am generalising here) men don’t have this problem. I have interviewed both men and women; at times I could have torn my hair out as I tried to get the nuggets of gold I knew were there from female applicants. 

No one will know how good you are if you don’t tell them.

It’s not enough to be good at your job, beavering quietly away in the dark. If you want to get ahead, people need to know about you and the quality of your work.

Coleman’s Research

Harvey Coleman, who now runs a high profile diversity company in the U.S., has estimated that doing your job really well accounts for about 10% of what you need to get ahead.  30% is the image you project, how well you fit the company profile, with the remaining 60% being how well you put yourself out there! Yes, that’s right, a mere 10% equates to doing your job well!

It makes sense really. You may be doing a great job, head down, quietly and with no fuss, never straying from your remit, not speaking up in meetings, not volunteering to help with new projects, etc. Potentially the ideal worker for a manager who doesn’t have an inclination to develop staff. They will be happy to keep you just where you are!

Take a few minutes to think about your organisation. Are there opportunities to raise your profile? Do people know about you? Are you in the right networks? Are those networks open to you? (In the case of women, or minority groups, it’s often difficult to break into these).

Blow Your Horn!

Once you get to a certain level it’s no good expecting people to just notice how good you are. Sometimes you just have to stand up and give them a good long blast on your horn and let ‘em know!

When did you last blow your own horn? Do you find it easy or difficult? Do share!