Personal Development or Training?

 I had a great conversation recently with one of my clients. She had come to me initially for some coaching about advancing her career. I am not specifically a career coach so we talked for some time before committing to anything on either side. And as we talked it became apparent that she knew exactly what she needed to do to get on but the issue was one of confidence and belief in actually doing it!

She had tried various training courses but they didn’t help. Not because they weren’t good training courses; they sounded excellent, but because she wasn’t psychologically in a place to make best use of the information. She didn’t actually need any skills based TRAINING at that point in time, she needed some personal development.

Training

Although people (including me) often use ‘training’ to describe what I do it’s not particularly accurate. When I am running one of my courses I am not offering traditional training, I am offering an opportunity to reflect, grow and develop in a way personal to you.

Key Differences.

If you attend a training course it’s likely to be work oriented, and skills based. You may attend a training course on manual handling, for example. A manual handling course is often mandatory in particular fields- you have to attend and you have to come away with a piece of paper that says you’ve attended and met a required standard. The person teaching the course has a list of competencies or skills to teach you.

Or your firm may have introduced a new computer system and all employees have to understand how it works so have to either enrol on line or undertake a short course, or turn up for some hands on experience and tuition.

What these have in common is everyone is taught exactly the same way, with the same information. Even if you begin with quite a bit of knowledge on manual handling or the computer system you still receive the same input; there are ‘correct’ answers that you have to give at the end of the day. You can benchmark yourself against others and see how well (or otherwise) you are doing compared with others.

Personal Development

When you undertake personal development everything you have ever done is relevant, regardless of your status or age, or educational achievements. No judgements about your abilities are made.

In personal development, be it through a course or coaching, there are no right answers to strive for. Everyone is unique and everyone has a different response. Never compare yourself to anyone else. You don’t pass or fail, you simply develop. And how you develop depends on so many different factors but most of all on the uniqueness of you.

So you could attend a personal development course one year and maybe get something from it but it may not be especially life changing. Yet you could attend that self same course six months later and because of where you are at (figuratively speaking) in your life it totally transforms you.

For example, someone may be on one of my courses at exactly the right moment for them and it really does set them off on a new path. So, when I ask if anyone wants to make a comment, they stand up and proudly announce that this opportunity to evaluate their life means they are now going to give up the day job, learn eye surgery (in Flemish) and explore Timbuktu riding backwards on a donkey!

However, if you are sitting in the same group you may be thinking to yourself:

“Well, this period of reflection has been great. I think I’m going to join the local library and get a book out on being more assertive”

The point is personal development is exactly that, personal. Don’t compare, don’t set yourself impossible goals, simply be honest and allow the thoughts to do what they will. It’s for you, not a test or exam. Neither is right or wrong; you are simply exploring what is right for you at any particular time in your life with someone who is not judging you in any way, but focussed on helping you be the best you can be.

Coaching

Similarly with coaching; sometime clients come to me having been talking with friends and colleagues who have made enormous life changes following coaching. But coaching is another form of personal development- you don’t pass or fail. You get what you need at the time from it and a good coach will help you identify what is right for you. And that’s rarely what worked for someone else. It’s your life - what is important to you is what matters. So never compare yourself with others.

Another difference with personal development or coaching is that it is entirely voluntary. You cannot be ordered to have coaching or go on a personal development course. (Well, I guess you could but it would probably be a worthless experience for you!)

Research

One point that may be of interest; the Springboard Consultancy commissioned some research a few years back looking at the effectiveness of this type of coaching/personal development work. What they discovered was that managers noticed a positive difference in staff who undertook personal development work; they returned more focussed on problem solving than complaining about what was wrong and they coped better with change. And even more interestingly, women who had done some personal development felt that the effects of it went well beyond the actual time they were doing it. In fact, most said they really began to feel the full effects about 12 months afterwards as they began to see the fruits of the changes they had made in their lives.

And Finally

Back to my coaching client from paragraph one! What she actually rang me to tell me was that she now realised she didn’t want to go on in her career but had been swept along by other people’s expectations of her. The opportunity to reflect had allowed her to seriously think about what she wanted from her life and it wasn’t the role she currently had. She wanted to let me know that she had decided upon a different path and was actually setting up her own part time business which sat very happily with her value base and need for some autonomy. She was being true to herself!

A  Coaching Question

A simple question to leave with you to ponder upon:

If you had no fear and you could do one thing to improve the quality of your life as it is right now, what would it be?

Women on TV

A new report commissioned by Channel 4 to celebrate International Women’s day, shows that there is still a distinct gender bias when it comes to women on TV.

Femageism

If we needed any evidence that femageism is rife in the world of broadcasting this report provides it. On TV only one in 4 in every 10 women are aged over 40. And for every ten men on TV 6 will be aged 40 and over.

‘Soft’ Topics

The study, carried out by Dr Guy Cumberbatch of the Communications Research Group, also found that although women do appear to be well represented on TV across the spectrum, the way they are used is markedly different from the way men appear.

In light entertainment, comedy and drama women make up 4 in every ten participants. In the field of serious broadcasting, Dr Cumberbatch’s team found that women made up only a third in factual programmes. And when it comes to the news, we have only a 31% share!

However, when topics such as health, culture and cookery are covered on the news women feature 69% of the time. Men were much more likely to be discussing the topics of politics, science, international affairs and the economy. And women aren’t even asked to give their views! When it comes to general vox pops, women are asked for their opinions only a third as often as men.

Diversity

Oona King is Channel 4’s Head of Diversity (once again I ask the question-bearing in mind women actually make up slightly more than half the population -  should we still need to be included under the ‘diversity’ tag?) said:

” This pilot research measures the gap between what we see in the real world, and what we see on TV, and is the first step in developing a comprehensive measurement of how well TV represents and portrays different groups on screen. Fundamentally, this is about how we view our world and which groups are hidden from view or significantly under-represented. The gender gap here is quite startling.”

Sadly I am not startled at all. Maybe art is merely imitating life………….

How to Start ‘Awkward’ Conversations

I was recently asked for some advice on the thorny topic of starting awkward conversations. (I wasn’t asked about finishing them - that’ll be another post!)

An awkward conversation might be one where you need to be critical of the other person, as in they are continually late for work and expecting you to cover for them. Or maybe you need to raise a topic that is potentially embarrassing, for example, working alongside someone with unpleasant body odour, or who is behaving in an inapproriate manner to you.

Non Direct Route

You may have tried out all the subtle and not so subtle methods.

‘Phew, what IS that smell?‘ said to no one in particular being one of the not so subtle variety, or raving loudly in the office about this amazing new shower gell you have found!

Similarly, someone who is perhaps invading your personal space, standing too close, or making very slightly suggestive comments that leave you feeling uncomfortable, may not respond to your continually moving away, standing behind chairs, and resolutely not laughing at their innundoes!

When the non direct route fails it’s time to have an assertive conversation!

Be Assertive

Now is the time for honesty while still being very respectful of the other person. Being assertive is not about winning or scoring points: it’s about having self respect and respect for the other person. It is very respectful to treat them as adults and actually discuss with them what is bothering you, adult to adult. They might not like what you say, but done properly it need not be disrespectful and may lead to an enhanced relationship all round!

Start Here

First, you need to let them know you want to have a chat with them and this usually needs to be in private. Find somewhere where you can both be comfortable if at all possible so not a busy corridor but preferably an empty office. (NB But not when you’re being assertive with the person who is behaving innapropriately! Then you need to be able to speak without being overheard but still be visible to colleagues and friends. You don’t want to give a mixed message and add to any potential embarrassment).

When I’m working with groups on assertiveness I don’t usually give out any form of words because everyone is different; you have to be able to say it in your own words, or you’ll feel silly and sound insincere! But as this post is about starting those awkward conversations, I have included some phrases which may work for that awkward beginning:

Use their name when possible, make appropriate eye contact and remember your body language is saying far more than your words; if you look shifty and uncomfortable they will receive what you say in that mode. Aim for ‘concerned and professional’, not ‘embarrassed and tortured adolescent’.

Beginning with pleasantries about the weather may be helpful but more likely they will be a liitle anxious about what you have to say so don’t irritate them by going round the houses. Be pleasant and direct.

‘Could we have a word in private, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you’.

‘I have noticed that you’ve been late a lot recently. Is there a problem I can help with?’ (Bearing in mind that your help is not going to be continually covering up their lateness!)

The body odour one is difficult and you have to be prepared for them to take umbrage initially, but you could try:

‘Forgive me for being so personal, but it’s so out of character for you that I wanted to have a quiet word. Are you aware that you have been giving off a very strong odour of late? Are you unwell/on tablets/particularly worried by anything?‘ (Even as I write this I am cringing but I have actually done this! Spoken to someone I mean, not given off an odour- at least no one has told me…)

‘I appreciate that you have a friendly nature and other people are comfortable with your style but I feel uncomfortable when you (insert) and would prefer it if you (insert what you do want them to do).

Try not to let anxiety about what you have to say give you a bad case of the blurt, or sound angry or aggressive. Take a few deep calming breaths and mentally rehearse what you are going to say.

These are just a few tips to get you thinking. It’s also useful sometimes to consider why we find some things so difficult to say. This may be linked to our own feelings of confidence in ourselves and fear of the consequences. Remember, you have a right to respectfully express your views to another person- and they have the right to do the same!

More on this is available in the free download that comes when you subscribe to my newsletter.

Professional Relationship

My Thankful Day

I woke up this morning having gone to bed mulling over a problem. The problem hasn’t been resolved by magic, but I have woken up feeling enormously thankful for all that I have – and I don’t mean material things (although I do covet my wood-burning stove at the moment!)

And so I am having a thankful day, all by myself.

The challenge for me will be to convey my thanks without people thinking I am in need of extra care and attention, or sounding like a born again thanker!

Who are the people in your life that you would like to thank right now? Just do it: they will appreciate it and you will have added something worthwhile to today!

Do let me know who you feel thankful to…oh and thanks for reading this post! I appreciate it.

How to Win an Argument!

Make Your Point

Quite often when we’re trying to make an argument for something we try and score as many points as possible. (Unless that’s just me!) We go for the full on blitz effect and think up as many reasons as we can as to why a particular course of action should or shouldn’t be followed.

Here’s an example. You are in a meeting and you don’t think a particular idea will work because it doesn’t take into account the costs involved. A powerful statement would be to say clearly and simply:

‘ No, this is not a workable idea, the costs are too high for what we want to achieve’

Adding Weight, (or useless Ballast)

But we don’t always leave it there. In order to emphasise our point we start adding further justifications, unnecessary ballast.

‘And it didn’t work when so and so tried it last year.’

‘The summer is always a bad time to launch this kind of initiative.’

‘ I don’t think Mary has enough experience to lead this’.

Weakening Your Case

The follow on points are weaker than the main point about costs: anyone who wants to argue against you will go for those. They will tell you that when so and so tried it last year they left out a crucial factor, or that the summer is a particularly good time this year because so many people are holidaying in UK, and that Mary will get lots of support from them so can only benefit from the experience.

Even though your original point is still valid and true it has lost it’s potency because the others have been steadily demolished!

Politics

Something interesting along these lines is happening in the public eye at the moment. At the week end a book was published alleging that the Prime Minister was bullying staff. The journalist was very strong in his assertions and claimed he had strong evidence to support his claims. But then somebody else weighed into the argument with a statement that people had contacted them about bullying at Number 10.

As I write the government has focussed on this second weaker claim which seems not to have stood up to scrutiny. The maker of the secondary argument has been accused of acting unethically in revealing sources (and I would agree with this- it was a breach of trust).

Further revelations appear to have totally weakened her claim as prominent people distance themselves from the charity concerned. And no one is talking about the original claim made by the journalist! The ballast has obscured the original strong assertion.

By the way, I make no claims as to whether either was true or not – I have no idea of the truth. I simply think it is a fascinating example of how you can lose focus by trying too hard!

What do you think?

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Persuasion

How to Persuade Others

Have you ever had a request from a charity for a donation accompanied by a small gift, like a pen or a address stickers? The answer is probably yes because the idea of reciprocity is a frequently used tool because it works so well. How to persuade people to do things is one of the most studied fields in psychology.

Give to Receive?

The principle of reciprocity is simple; give someone a gift before you attempt to persuade them to do something and they’re much more likely to ‘give’ you something back. Most people have a sense of fair play that makes them feel they should offer you something in return. As you read the request from the charity, holding the pen in your hand, even though you know what they are doing, you feel more compelled to give them something than if the request had arrived simply as a letter.

Ethical?

Written baldly like that it sounds to me decidedly dodgy and manipulative (as it often can when we start analysing how and why we behave the way we do).

But actually, we teach our children to do this from an early age when we encourage them to share their own toys so they can be allowed to play with the toys of their friends.It’s a form of socialising too.

And would it be ethical to continually try and persuade others to do what you want them to without offering anything in return? As I write this I realise (gulp) that in a way it is exactly what I am doing by writing this blog.

I freely share my knowledge and skills here and in the newsletter. In effect I guess it is a gift to you (even if you do put it on a par with that misshapen hand knitted jumper from Auntie Gladys who thinks you still like candy pink and fairies…)

Twitter

In return, people ReTweet me on Twitter, forward my links to colleagues, recommend me to friends etc, giving me a wider audience and a potential pool of women who may use my services one day or attend one of my courses. (Although to be totally honest I often get carried away by my love of writing and sharing knowledge and forget to put any links in to what I actually do! Fortunately I work with a great marketing expert or I would be permanently eating lentils!)

What do you think? Do you feel manipulated and tricked in some way when a free pen drops through your mailbox? Do you actually notice when this form of persuasion is happening? How do you persuade others- work or home? I would love to hear from you!