The No Quiz!

How many times do say yes when you want to say no?

How many of these thoughts which stop you saying no assertively, do you hold in your head?

• If I say no, they’ll never help me when I need it.
• If I say no, they won’t like me.
• If people don’t like me I’ll feel worthless and get fewer opportunities.
• My needs are not as important as theirs. They must take priority. I can’t say no.
• I mustn’t be rude or unhelpful (particularly if to a senior manager or older person).
• How dare they ask me that (prompts an aggressive response).
• These people are taking me for granted-I’ll show them. (Aggressive again).

If you ticked just one of these, take a look at my article on How to Say No. And if you have some tips to share on being more assertive, or found something that works well for you, please do share them with us!

Swap Shoes Day!

Do you know the saying:

‘Grant that I may not criticise my neighbour until I have walked a mile in her moccasins’?

Try this for one day.

Next time someone is really driving you crazy at work or in your personal life, metaphorically swap shoes with them for one day.

Suspend your usual critical thoughts, voiced or not, and imagine the world from their viewpoint. Don’t put yourself under undue pressure to make changes; simply try and experience the world from their standpoint.

And see what the next day brings! You might find your empathy levels rising!

Decide Not to Decide!

I was coaching someone recently who was struggling with a difficult decision, hampered by her feelings that she ‘ought‘ to be being more assertive.

“You know”, I said “it is perfectly possible to be assertive and not make a decision. Simply decide you’re not making a decision right now!”

Sometimes we get so caught up in looking at all the pros and cons that we can’t see anything with clarity. While coaching obviously helps provide that focus, sometimes the confusion is there for a good reason; it may just be the wrong time for you to make this decision. So, unless you have a particularly tight deadline, assert your right not make one!

Why I Love MBTI!

I really LOVE the MBTI and I LOVE the effect it has when working with women (It works for men too; but I primarily work with women). M.B.T.I. stands for Myers Briggs Type Indicator and you can find more factual details about it via this link.

Why?

I tend to love it more for what it’s not. A lot of psychological profiling is very judgemental, the MBTI is not. It won’t fill you full of ’should’ and ‘oughts’ or worse give you as sense of inadequacy. It simply helps you understand yourself in greater depth.

When I was doing my post graduate training in social work we were often subjected to (I use the word advisedly) various psychological tests to determine our attitudes, suitability for the role etc. I rarely found these helpful or enlightening. Standard tools and questionnaires work on a right or wrong approach; there is a yardstick by which you are judged, a perfect way to be.

For example, consider assertiveness. If you take an assertiveness questionnaire (and I confess, I do sometimes use one when training to promote discussion and debate) it will assume that there is a degree of assertiveness that is desirable. That will probably be measured at 100% with any score coming at over 80% being good. It can’t take into account the fact that you are totally assertive at work but find it hard to tell your sister in law that you want to stay home next Christmas! And if you feel perfectly comfortable with your assertiveness levels but come in at 65% you may feel a bit of  a failure.

No Pass or Fail

You cannot pass or fail the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. There is no right or wrong, no 100% score to achieve, there is just you. You are always in control. It is one of the most respected profiling tools in the world and one with a very high retest probability. Which in laywomen’s terms means you have a high chance of getting the same answers however many times you take it! (The only exception to this is if it’s taken when young, while our personalities are still developing).

Team Work

Although the M.B.T.I is often used in groups and can be great for helping teams understand each other, I personally will only use it for the first time it in a one to one situation.  I trained at the original MBTI college in the U.S and part of my ethical contract with them is that results are always confidential to the individual. The individual must be given space and time to fully understand and agree with their type before being asked if they are happy to share.

Peer Pressure

In my experience it is not possible to do this in a group situation; the pressure of peers to join in (however subtle and unintentional) can be too great. That said, if all team members are genuinely happy to talk about their result, and genuinely happy with the type they have, it can be a phenomenal tool in promoting understanding!

If you’re interested in discovering more about yourself using the M.B.T.I. either as a one off session or part of a coaching package, please do give me a call on 01761 438749  or email me. I have a great special offer running throughout the Spring!

MBTI, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Myers-Briggs, the MBTI logo and Introduction to Type are registered trademarks of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Trust. Strong Interest Inventory, FIRO-B, SkillsOne, and Davies-Black are registered trademarks and CPI 260, CPI, California Psychological Inventory, the CPP logo, the FIRO-B logo and the CPI 260 logo are trademarks of CPP, Inc.

Inspire Yourself!

Here’s a tip to inspire yourself and to help keep your motivation going!

When I’m running my own seminars and courses I often get participants to write to themselves for delivery at a future point. And I’ve recommended writing down your aims in previous blog posts.

It can be really helpful to write down what you want to do, how you are feeling at a particular point in your life, and how you want to feel at a point in the future. Or maybe write down stages you need to reach to achieve your goals and aspirations. For example, by June I will have written two chapters of my book and researched possible publishers! It really helps to put it in writing.

And now you can get it sent to yourself in the future! There is a web site futureme.org where you can do just that! It could be really helpful in keeping your motivation going! Not as helpful as attending one of my courses obviously….but helpful all the same!

If you try it do let me know how you get on? And how do you keep your motivation going?

Selling to Women!

I was at a women’s business lunch recently and the speaker was a male expert in marketing and strategy. But I doubt if he impressed many of us women listening! He didn’t understand some of the fundamental differences between how men and women communicate and why techniques that work with men will rarely play well with women. Selling to women is different.

Here are some tips if you want to successfully engage women. Remember, it’s been calculated that women make over 80% of consumer purchasing decisions! We’re a force to be reckoned with.

Peacock Feathers!

In general, (and of necessity I am talking in generalisations-this won’t apply to every man and every woman), men when selling either themselves or a product to other men, begin by establishing their credentials. Status is much more important to men than it is to women. So a salesman will flare his feathers, and hope to dazzle. I think you can link it back directly to schoolboy playground culture. (If you’ve ever watched a group of young boys playing and then a group of young girls you’ll know what I mean!)

Most women will be turned off at this stage. We’ll be thinking: ‘what a show off, I am so not impressed!’ It doesn’t mean we’re a push over and don’t want someone with credentials; we just don’t like it thrust at us like that.

Listening

Everyone likes being listened to and women are good, active listeners. If you pay attention you will be able to tell if they are with you. But don’t be lulled into a false sense of security and talk at length without engaging us. We like the whole picture. If someone had the idea for a product while recovering from a bypass operation we like that kind of detail. It humanises things for us. Your male clients probably don’t. They want you to get straight to the point and cut out what they see as useless verbiage.

Here’s an Example:

On Mother’s Day part of my present from my son was to do some gardening with me, and so he turned up equipped to do battle! I began explaining to him my idea for changing the layout and how I wanted a vegetable patch down there and how…

“Mum“, he said,” just tell me exactly what you want me to do. Point where you want me to dig and tell me specifically which plants I mustn’t dig up. That’s all I want to know“‘. My daughter on the other hand, takes quite an interest in my garden plans! In general, women like to have some context, make a connection. A genuine connection.

Don’t Be Fooled

Men when they are listening to you will be impassive. But there’s one very important thing you should know about the differences in how men and women listen. When a man nods his head during your sales talk he is probably doing so because he agrees with you. If you see a woman nodding at you, don’t make the same assumption. Women nod to show they understand what you are saying, not that they agree! But they might be agreeing- you have to check it out!

Stop Interrupting!

Research studies of communication at work show that time after time, men interrupt women when they are speaking. Men interrupt women far more often than they interrupt other men, whatever the relative status of those involved. This may be because men get irritated with our talking around a subject, setting the scene, while they want to get straight to the facts. Whatever the reason, if you’re selling to us don’t do it!

Research

Find out what women want. Just putting a pink bow on something doesn’t instantly render it attractive to women. Companies that have increased their marketing to women specifically have found sales overall increased. So it makes sound economic sense too!

Update

In the interests of fairness I think I should say that my son disputes my gardening account! I may have exaggerated slightly….Actually he is a brilliant conversationalist; in fact both my children confound the stereotypes! And if you have any stories to share please use the comments box – I love to hear from you!