Men and Women Talk Differently!

If you talk to other people and are either a man or a woman, you need to read this!

The ability to communicate well, to get your message across to customers, colleagues, and friends is hugely important! And listening and interpreting what you hear and see correctly is a vital tool in every area of life.

Did you know that there are powerful differences in how men and women communicate which can lead to misunderstanding and miscommunication all round? So if you want to be sure that you are interpreting the signals properly read on!

Fact and Fiction

Much has been written about the differences between men and women; it’s been a topic of interest since time began. And for almost every theory saying one thing you can usually find another to contradict it.

Let me reassure you right away that what follows is based on research undertaken by academics, who directly observed the behaviour of men and women in general conversation and business meetings. I know you will find it interesting!

I draw no conclusions here as to why these differences exist but merely note them so that you can make use of this important information in your day to day life and consider how you can make it work for you.

Nod Means Yes…or Does It?

Research in the Western world has found significant differences in meaning between men and women in the use of that little head movement.

Generally speaking, if a man nods his head in a meeting he is signalling his assent to what is being said. He agrees with the speaker and is showing it. If he doesn’t agree he won’t nod. That’s pretty straightforward.

Women, on the other hand, nod their heads quite a lot when listening but they are not doing this to say they agree with what has been said. They are saying, in general, ‘I understand what you are saying, do go on’. Maybe that’s not quite so straightforward.

In my training seminars I observe this often; the women give encouraging nods and half smiles and often make little ‘mm’ noises to let me know they are paying attention.

Men, on the other hand, tend not to give those cues, unless they are in agreement with what I am saying. I used to misinterpret this lack of visual encouragement for lack of interest, which it was not, until I learned to read the signs.

So What?

Does it matter that different genders use different verbal cues? Well, it can matter a lot! Imagine being in a meeting. If you are a man who has been speaking on a topic you may have seen your female colleagues nodding away at you, you may have, quite logically, interpreted this as agreement with what you have said.

The women however, may have merely been polite listeners. They have heard you out, let you have your turn, but now they wish to say something contrary to the argument that you have just made.

As a man this puzzles you. Surely they have been nodding their agreement all the way through so why now do they suddenly choose to be difficult?

As a woman, not receiving any encouraging cues to keep talking, you may fall silent, or become irritated and think you are not being listened to.

Neither interpretation may be correct and requires clarification.

Interestingly, there is also a lot of research to show that females are more likely to change their behaviour and become more male-like in mixed groups rather than try to change the norm.

Interrupting is Rude – or is it Power?

Generally speaking, when we have a conversation with someone we ‘take turns’. There is a convention that when speaking we wait for the speaker to finish and then we have our turn. There are interruptions and overlap but there is a tacitly agreed acceptable amount, which varies according to circumstances.

For example, if a friend is having a bad time we may spend the larger part of a conversation listening to them than would be usual, without speaking ourselves. We learn to do this from an early age so we can actually have conversations, not just chaotic babbling!

Differences

There are some fascinating differences in behaviour between women talking to women, men talking to men, and men and women talking together.

Broadly speaking when we are talking in same gender conversations (male to male, female to female), ‘turn taking’ is very evident. There are a few interruptions and overlaps (starting your turn as the previous speaker is finishing) but they are not overly intrusive.

Women Talk Too Much?

Recorded conversations between men and women show something very different however. In almost all cases men were found to be more likely to interrupt women disruptively and women were less likely to interrupt men. Women still observed the turn taking rule, even more rigidly sometimes, becoming quieter than in same gender conversations.

In the world of work this can make it very difficult for women to get their point across and for men to know what women are actually thinking or have to contribute. This has been observed in study after study.

Other researchers went on to investigate if this was still an issue with senior women in business. They found that even when a woman was of higher status in an organisation than a man she was interrupted more frequently by the man. In 85% of recorded conversations a man interrupted a woman and kept the floor.

This same phenomenon has been observed on TV and radio chat shows where there is a male host.

Doctor Knows Best

A study of doctor patient conversations showed that it is the norm for doctors to interrupt patients rather than patients to interrupt doctors, except, you’ve guessed it, where the doctor is a woman. Then the male patient interrupts frequently.

What Can I Do Now?

When I share this research during my seminars it has quite an impact! Often the men are dismayed to think that they come across as constant interrupters and the women are annoyed with themselves for being so passive. Often both will question the research (I’ll give you some references at the end).

And remember it is generalised and may not apply to you! The point of sharing this is most definitely not to wag a finger or score cheap points but to add to your knowledge of how we communicate. Use this information to enhance your skills and influence.

For example, if you are a woman you might think again about how you contribute in business meetings and how you can make sure that your voice is heard.

If you are a man you might reflect that listening more might give you a better informed view, of colleagues or of what your female customers want.

Suggestions for Further Reading available from Amazon
Women and Men at Work by Deborah Tannen
Women, Men & Language by Jennifer Coates

The Pinocchio Effect!

Is your nose giving you away?

Pinocchio, as you probably know, was a puppet and each time he told a fib his nose would grow.

Well, it’s not just in fairy tales that our noses can give us away! When we lie, blood fills the vessels in the nose causing a tiny Pinocchio like effect. Along with this comes an itchiness and so we rub our noses. And a nose rub may indicate a lie!

To get a free download of ‘How to Tell if Someone is Lying’ simply click here!

How to Give a Compliment

In my post bag last week I had three lovely emails all thanking me for various bits of coaching I had done. They made me feel wonderful and started me thinking about how important it can be to give and receive compliments.

However, many of us are quite diffident when it comes to giving compliments; we feel that we may be thought of as insincere, or worse, sucking up to someone. But actually, being able to give a genuine and sincere compliment reveals a high level of emotional intelligence. To give a genuine and sincere compliment you need to have taken notice of a person, and we all respond positvely to a compliment that we believe is genuine (even if sometimes we find it hard to know how to respond - more about how to receive compliments in a later post).

Why Give a Compliment?

Well, it’s part of our human interaction. It can be a conversation opener, like:
‘I really like those earings you are wearing, they bring out your eye colour. Where did you get them?’

In this statement you are saying I have noticed you, I am not making an anodyne ‘you look nice’ comment but I have actually noticed you as a person. I am complimenting you on your taste in jewellery and I am showing that I would like to converse with you. Bet you didn’t realise you could say so much with so little! It’s like giving a little conversational gift.

Behaviour Changes

Did you know, it has been researched that we need about seven pieces of praise to wipe out the effects of one negative comment? So be specific when you give your compliment. This works with children and adults. Comment and compliment on the behaviours that you like and hold back on criticising those you don’t like. For example, after a team meeting it can be far more effective to say:
‘I really was impressed with the way that you handled that difficult question without getting angry’,
and leave out the fact that they got really narky with the first questioner!

Compliment Your Manager

I was once at a large corporate affair and complimented one of the senior management team on her presentation (it had been very good). She looked at me in grateful surprise and said:
 ‘One of the aspects about being in a senior post is that people rarely say things like that. They assume that you can do it easily or should be able to do it easily so no one ever says anything. Thank you for saying that’.
It really taught me a lesson about the power of a sincere and genuine compliment. We all appreciate it, at whatever level. To make a genuine connection, only give genuine compliments, but remember you need to balance them with appropriate and considered criticism. If you only ever give indiscriminate praise your contributions will be devalued. When you get the balance right people will value what you say all the more and they’ll take all your comments more seriously.

Focus on the Positives

So try and focus on the good in people, and compliment it throughout the day. You never know, it might just make you feel like you’re actually surrounded by kind, competent, and interesting people. And the research tells us that they will find you to be more kind and competent as well! Win win!

If you have enjoyed this please take a look at this article on my web site.

Give Away a Smile Today!

Comedienne Phyllis Diller once said “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight” and the science proves her right!

Catch a Smile!

Not that we need scientific research to tell us that when we smile we feel better about the world. And what is more, people receiving our smile feel better about life too! What a gift to have! It is contagious. Emotionally contagious to be precise. Emotions are contagious so spread a little laughter around.

The Science

According to a researcher from Lund University in Sweden, mimicking a person’s bodily state or facial expression causes physical responses in the receiver’s body that are identical to those in the sender’s. When people use the muscle groups linked to specific emotions, their body will react as though they are really experiencing that emotion.

If you squint your eyes up and wriggle your nose and make a classic angry pose, your body will release some adrenaline and your heart rate may speed up as if you are really angry. Likewise, if you even just to pretend to smile by turning up the corners of your mouth and narrowing your eyes, your body will release serotonin, dopamine and other “feel-good” indicators. In the study by Hess and Blairy, participants reported feeling more happiness and sadness/depression relative to the emotions shown on the video they were watching.

Laughing is Even Better!

Laughter can help to relieve stress and has been shown to improve our immune system. Laughing has been described as like giving your innards a workout; massaging our inner organs.  When we laugh our blood pressure goes up and then comes down. We also stretch our lungs, relax our chests, and breathe easier. Laughter causes our bodies to release neurochemical compounds associated with an improved mood. When we can laugh at something, we change our perspective and our attitude.

It is hard to stay angry when laughing. As we laugh, we momentarily distract ourselves from our problems and, perhaps, even from our physical discomfort. Life is better when we can have a good laugh. When did you last have a really good side splitting laugh?

Some Smiling Facts

Small children smile about 400 times a day

Grown ups smile about 14 times a day

Women smile more than men

We are all born with the smiling instinct

It takes 43 muscles to frown but you need only use 17 to make a smile!

A massive grin might use 53 muscles – a good facial exercise!

Apparently we have about 18 different types of smile we use in social situations

A smile causes us to release serotonin, the happiness hormone

And if you needed any other reasons to smile -Regular smilers are seen as sincere and attractive!

Do let me know the last time that you had a really good laugh – and what it was that made you laugh!

Accepting Criticism Assertively

On Being Criticised

No one likes being criticised. Yet if we’re to continue to develop it’s important to hear what people don’t like as well as what they do. If we want to improve sometimes we have to hear it all. And in the world of work receiving criticism gracefully can be an essential skill in getting ahead.

Listen

Listening to criticism isn’t easy but try and stop yourself automatically rebutting whatever is being said. It may be unjust and wrong, but let the other person say what they need to say. This can demonstrate a level of self confidence and is acknowledging the other person’s rights in this situation, whoever they are. So, keep your lips firmly closed and listen to what they are saying.

Acknowledge

Having heard them out, make sure that you have understood before you respond. Paraphrase what you think they are saying. Ask them questions to confirm your understanding. If they are getting a bit heated and personal try not to rise to it, but calmly say:

 ‘I appreciate you are upset/angry/annoyed etc. However, please try and tell me what concerns you without getting abusive. What is it that I have done/not done that is causing the problem?’

Ask them to be specific, especially if they are resorting to wild generalisations.

They have a right to say what they feel but not at the expense of your rights. You have a right to be treated respectfully. It’s a two way process.

Pause

You don’t always have to respond immediately. If the criticism is of a piece of your work, such as a report, say you will look at it again in the light of what they have said and then respond. If they have been very personal, rather than respond while you are still smarting, you might say:

 ‘I’m feeling a little upset at the moment and will talk to you about this later’.

Try not to get into recriminations of the ‘Well, your report writing isn’t so hot either!’ variety. It won’t really help and won’t get you any further advanced.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

It can be helpful to you if you take a few moments to acknowledge how you feel. Is the criticism tapping into something else in your sub conscious? Maybe their words have awakened previous hurts, or are an echo of how significant people in your life have talked to you?

Be careful to respond as the adult as you are now, not the child you might have been when first given that criticism. For example, your boss says ‘I don’t like the conclusion of this report’ and you hear a teacher’s voice ‘ You’ll never amount to anything, stupid child!‘. Be as honest with yourself about your feelings as you can.

Are They Right?

This is probably the most difficult part of receiving criticism but, ask yourself, do they have a point? Are they correct? Was I too impatient with that colleague? Did I rush that last piece of work? Is it sub standard? If they do have a point, it’s a very adult and professional approach to take this on the chin and say, yes, they are right.

If they are not, then make clear that you do not dispute their right to make a critical comment, but you do not agree with what they have said because….and state your case.

It’s Not Always Good to Talk!

The Office Chatterbox

On a recent course I was asked by a participant, ‘How can you politely get away from people at work who keep talking at you?’ There was much laughter as each one of us immediately brought to mind people we knew who button hole us and whom we can’t seem to get away from!

It is a serious point though. Most of the time at work we want to maintain an ongoing, amicable and professional relationship with work colleagues. We don’t want to hurt their feelings and create a bad atmosphere.

A Couple of Tips

One tip is to get in first. As you see them bearing down on you say, ‘Hi, I’ve got five minutes before I must get on with …whatever.’ Then pay them really good attention for those 5 minutes and in 4 minutes glance at your watch. If they don’t take the hint you may have to bring your assertiveness skills into play.

Appearance Is Key

Use their name to get their attention: tell them it’s been good to have a break from your work but now you must get back to it. Remember that in terms of how messages are received the actual words you use are not that important. In fact they account for about 7% of the total. Your tone of voice is important too but a whopping 55% is all about your appearance and body language. So don’t act as if you are doing something wrong or behave too apologetically. It’s perfectly reasonable to get on with your work. You don’t want to be rude but neither do you want to feel that your time is not your own.

If you are sitting, stand. You may break eye contact as you look towards your desk. Direct eye contact is often seen as an invitation to speak. Slightly turn your body in the direction in which you want to go. Put your hand on your watch, subtly drawing attention to the time. Try only to look at it when you are speaking so it appears as if it’s your time to speak you are curtailing, not theirs.

If you really find it difficult to get away without hurting their feelings you may have to have a conversation with yourself about the value of your time, and maybe how much you value yourself. If you are in an open plan office you maybe could initiate a general discussion about how people indicate to others they are happy to be interrupted. And, more importantly, when they don’t want to be!

And eventually, if all else fails, you may just have to be fairly blunt and say you find it distracting and could they please stop!