How to be a Try Hard Listener!

Those of you that regularly read the blog may have noticed a cryptic comment from Feargus Woods-Dunlop. Yes, he is my son, and he’s an actor and sometime stand up comic (I’ve been laughing at him since he was born but he seems to have turned out OK!).

His comment refers to a film showing we went to in Bath when the director of the film gave a post showing talk. At the conclusion of the film there was a mass exodus of audience leaving about 30 of us to listen to the lecture.

Helpful

Being a professional speaker myself I really felt for the Director so put myself in best listening mode. I was so focussed on the speaker, that I failed to notice my son and husband edging away from me along the row until the end (although I did hear a few stifled snorts from my wicked wee boy) . At the end I asked him what was wrong. He laughed and called me Mrs Try Hard! And then he explained.

So I have asked him to tell you too, as it is a classic example of over listening and you’ll probably find it more helpful than my ‘tips for listening’ posts! You’ll certainly find it more amusing! Obviously he is exaggerating…..

From Feargus:

So I’ve been asked to elucidate on my comment on Mum’s listening blog. Well, what happened was…

Mother, Father and I decided to sample the delights of the local picture house (the independent, not the multiplex – we’re right-on dontchaknow) we went to see the chirpy ‘And When did you Last See Your Father?’ about a guy who’s Dad suffers from Alzheimers. My granddad suffered from the same, so the night promised to be a comedy-free zone. However, comedy did present itself in the form of the Q&A session the theatre had arranged with the film’s producer.

Most of the audience left after the film (very good by the way) had ended, and so this producer was left with maybe 30 or so people to talk to. He also had to contend with a spotlight shining directly in his face, I’m not sure why, but the organisers clearly felt that simply bringing the houselights up so that he could actually see the people he was having this ‘informal’ session with was a little too informal. Anyhoo, me, Mum & Sparks (Dad’s nickname, he’s not an electrician, don’t ask) are sat there.

In the dark.

Waiting.

For what, we are not sure. But wait we do. Finally the lights are sorted and we’re off and running with the questions.

No-one has any particularly interesting questions, but Mum seems to find all of the answers the producer gives to be the most insightful and thought-provoking sentences ever uttered by a mere mortal. She is furiously agreeing with the man’s every point, by way of a short little “mmmnnn!” noise akin to a puppy with a sock in its mouth barking. Me and Sparks are sat next to her wondering what she’s hearing in the problems of securing funding for a British film that we’re not. Seriously it was like sitting next to one of those battery powered toys that nod away gaily interminably. We were half waiting for her to do a backflip.

When we quizzed her as to why she was so interested, she said she was just trying to be supportive as the poor man was struggling. After 5-10 minutes of our cruel impressions I think she got the idea that maybe she’d gone a little too far.

She is wicked most of the time though, as proved by the fact that I love going to the cinema or theatre with her. Just so long as there is no Post-show discussion we’re gold.x

Well, you see what I have to put up with! There is some truth in this, just a little. I maybe was rather over enthusiastic……

Have you any examples of what I’m now calling ‘over-listening’? Please do share!

If you want to read more such musings (happily not about me) here’s a link to his blog!

Three Ways to Listen Better

If you want to increase your effectiveness at work and your popularity in your personal life, listen!

People LOVE being listened to. It’s very respectful and it feels great when people really listen to you, doesn’t it? It’s hard though, I know! I’m a great talker myself….

So here are a three tips to improve your listening skills (which I remind myself to use from time to time):

1. Give them time: don’t rush in to help them finish a sentence, or jump in with your response. Stay quiet and give them some space to work out what they want to say.
2. Stop judging them: simply listen to what they are saying. And believe them.
3. Don’t continually stare directly into their eyes (it can feel a bit intimidating) but instead aim for a kind of softer look (be careful here, or you may end up looking drunk!) Take in the whole picture but keeping your attention on them.

Please do share any tips of your own for listening! I’m listening….

Beware Candy Floss!

Candy Floss! A huge cloud of sticky nothingness made out of one small spoon of sugar. And the person in the picture can’t actually see where they are going because of that one spoonful of sugar!

The Candy Floss Syndrome

I was recently coaching someone who had what was to her a huge problem. Together we began to look at the problem in detail; it was genuinely causing my client concern and some pain.

As we went back to the roots of the issue it became apparent to both of us that this problem had grown out of all proportion. My client had not had an opportunity to reflect on what was going on for her and the size of her dilemma had grown- in direct proportion to the amount of time she had spent thinking about it!

She had over-thought it, (or spun it) without testing out any of her thoughts or hypotheses.

A Spoonful of Sugar

A small spoonful of sugar had been dropped in and it had spun and spun in her head until it had become something huge and insurmountable. Yet closer examination revealed that the candy floss syndrome (CFS) was at work. The concerns were not truly substantial (although they felt it at the time) and a quick bite into them soon deflated the cloud!

I don’t want to go too far with this analogy but it’s a useful idea to use sometimes. We all do it from time to time. We get a thought stuck in our head which gathers size at speed as we spin and spin it, and before we know it we have ourselves a huge sticky problem!

Take a few moments to bite into it, really look at the issue and then see if it is still as big! Consider it from all points of view. It may just turn out to be an acute case of candy floss syndrome!

What helps you keep a sense of perspective?

How to Tell Your Story (2)

A Coaching Exercise

In the previous post I described how we edit our own lives. Sometimes, without us being conscious of it we have given negative events a much bigger role in our past than they deserve; we have allowed them to become powerful influencers of our current lives.

Try This

This is an exercise I have used when coaching with all age groups, initially with young children who had been part of the care system, but I have found it’s just as helpful for adults.

Take a large sheet of paper and some pens. Start with your earliest memory and draw a box for every significant event in your life. Write the event in the box.

Your Memories

For example, I have a very vivid memory of my brother being born at home (well, it was January and a neighbour sent me to play in the garden – I was cold!) It was a significant life event because I stopped being an only child at age 4 and a half.

Other examples of significant events in my life include leaving home to go to University, my first plane trip to the US, my first experience of loss. The older you are the longer your list will be!

At this stage don’t worry about whether events are good or bad, just collect them. You may have several on the page and need more paper. Keep them in date order but wind about the page at will. It will take you some time.

Some years you may have several boxes of significance, and some will be relatively incident free.

After you’ve done this part of the exercise leave it for a while, hours or days; go off and do something else. When you return to it, look at it again with fresh eyes and check you’ve not left anything out.

Pause a While

Now you have your life in front of you, or specifically your memory of your life. These are some of the building blocks of your life (some you won’t have remembered.)

Using the data you have collected try writing down a few paragraphs about yourself for use in the following circumstances. In all cases you must focus only on the positives.

Three Scenarios

1) You are at a networking event and meet someone who you think could become a really good friend. They are bright and bubbly, and in the course of conversation they ask you to tell them about yourself, your life. You say…..

2) You have been for an interview for a senior post and are at the ‘trial by sherry’ stage. A senior member of the board says you seem to be really strong personality (which is what they are looking for). She asks you where your resolve to succeed came from. You say….

3) You meet an old friend you haven’t seen for over ten years. They ask you what you’ve been up to for last ten years. Remembering you are focussing only on positives, you say….

This exercise is not about  putting on a false face, a mask, but being conscious of the image you choose to present to the world. We all edit our past- just make sure your good bits haven’t ended up on the cutting room floor!

Manage Yourself

It’s funny how themes seem to emerge when I’m coaching. Recently three different clients were experiencing very similar problems; a disinterested boss.

They weren’t being bullied, they loved their jobs, the pay was fine, the environment was fine. They simply had managers who took very little interest in what they did and in their development.

Survey

It’s not surprising it bothered them so much; a survey from Gallop revealed that having a manager who took an interest in, and regularly praised staff, was in the top ten factors for satisfaction with work.

My clients had partly solved their dilemma by investing in coaching (and one had persuaded her boss to pay, clever her!) but if that’s not an option what can you do?

Tips for Managing Yourself

You can’t rely on getting  a good manager but if you’ve had one in the past, it helps to be specific about what made them good. Your list of requirements may be very different from someone else so just be honest about what you need.

• Is it support to do your job?
• Is it an ear to act as a soundboard for ideas?
• Is it to be stretched, developed and challenged?
• Is it to signpost you to further training?
• Is it to connect with other areas of your company, be kept in the loop?
• Do you need some validation or praise for your role?

Once you have specified for yourself what you are missing, think widely about your network and see if you can get these elements elsewhere in the organisation.

For example, if several of you feel the same, you might be able to set up a lunch time support group. Or maybe a professional group when each person takes turns to present a case/example/issue for discussion? This is a very good way to develop everyone!

Co-Coaching

Maybe co-coaching is the way to go? Find another person with a similar interest to you in their career, not necessarily someone you really like, (but respecting them is essential.)

Agree the aims and boundaries of your co-coaching arrangement. You may choose, for example, to meet for 45 minutes in a lunch hour. One of you has fifteen minutes to share your issue when all attention is focussed on the speaker (no sharing of anecdotes or butting in with your own experiences). The listener can speak but only to clarify her understanding of the issues.

The remaining 30 minutes are dedicated to looking at strategies to help the speaker. At the end of the session you should have a mini action plan for strategies to try with a date by which they will be done. the next session you swap roles.

Listen and Prepare

I use this type of partnership working on my training and it’s amazing how successful it can be. The key is to really listen and for the speaker to prepare beforehand, be honest and listen to the suggestions offered in return.

If you’ve tried this I”d love to know if it worked for you. And if you’ve any tips to share, let’s hear them!

P.S. If you’d like to discuss your own coaching options, you can simply call me on 01761 438749, no obligation, or use this link

Men in Touch with Their Feminine Side?

Although I write primarily for women I actually do have quite a few male readers and subscribers, which is great.

However, when it comes to careers and work, men are usually much more adversarial and risk taking in their approach (according to the research!). Women will often wait until they know their current job inside out before applying for the next step up.

Book

So when I wrote my book on finding your dream job (even if the dream was not to have a ‘proper’ job) I aimed it primarily at women, and their responses have been overwhelmingly positive.

However, on checking the statistics of the downloadable version of the book, I find that at least 20% of the sales are from men. In some ways this is surprising as it isn’t a book focussed on getting ahead, but on finding a job that works for you, a job that sits well with your value base, and that you enjoy going to each day – when work really isn’t working but something you actually enjoy!

Softer Side

Of course, it is possible they may just be buying it for their partners, but I like to think they are looking beyond the traditional gender barriers and getting in touch with their softer side!

If you’d like to download yourself a copy, click here.