Do You Bad Mouth You?

Take five minutes to think of the worst things you say to yourself and the effect it has on you.

Examples might be:

‘I have no willpower’.

‘I’m always late – I can’t get anywhere on time’.

‘I always fail interviews’.

‘I am so unattractive’.

Once you’ve identified that critical inner voice try this; for one week silence it. As soon as you hear yourself start carping, stop immediately.

It will do two things:

It will show you just how much time you spend putting yourself down

and

It will show you how much better you can feel when you stop nagging yourself.

Next Step- Replace the moaning and quietly say something good about yourself!

The No Quiz!

How many times do say yes when you want to say no?

How many of these thoughts which stop you saying no assertively, do you hold in your head?

• If I say no, they’ll never help me when I need it.
• If I say no, they won’t like me.
• If people don’t like me I’ll feel worthless and get fewer opportunities.
• My needs are not as important as theirs. They must take priority. I can’t say no.
• I mustn’t be rude or unhelpful (particularly if to a senior manager or older person).
• How dare they ask me that (prompts an aggressive response).
• These people are taking me for granted-I’ll show them. (Aggressive again).

If you ticked just one of these, take a look at my article on How to Say No. And if you have some tips to share on being more assertive, or found something that works well for you, please do share them with us!

Swap Shoes Day!

Do you know the saying:

‘Grant that I may not criticise my neighbour until I have walked a mile in her moccasins’?

Try this for one day.

Next time someone is really driving you crazy at work or in your personal life, metaphorically swap shoes with them for one day.

Suspend your usual critical thoughts, voiced or not, and imagine the world from their viewpoint. Don’t put yourself under undue pressure to make changes; simply try and experience the world from their standpoint.

And see what the next day brings! You might find your empathy levels rising!

Decide Not to Decide!

I was coaching someone recently who was struggling with a difficult decision, hampered by her feelings that she ‘ought‘ to be being more assertive.

“You know”, I said “it is perfectly possible to be assertive and not make a decision. Simply decide you’re not making a decision right now!”

Sometimes we get so caught up in looking at all the pros and cons that we can’t see anything with clarity. While coaching obviously helps provide that focus, sometimes the confusion is there for a good reason; it may just be the wrong time for you to make this decision. So, unless you have a particularly tight deadline, assert your right not make one!

Why I Love MBTI!

I really LOVE the MBTI and I LOVE the effect it has when working with women (It works for men too; but I primarily work with women). M.B.T.I. stands for Myers Briggs Type Indicator and you can find more factual details about it via this link.

Why?

I tend to love it more for what it’s not. A lot of psychological profiling is very judgemental, the MBTI is not. It won’t fill you full of ‘should’ and ‘oughts’ or worse give you as sense of inadequacy. It simply helps you understand yourself in greater depth.

When I was doing my post graduate training in social work we were often subjected to (I use the word advisedly) various psychological tests to determine our attitudes, suitability for the role etc. I rarely found these helpful or enlightening. Standard tools and questionnaires work on a right or wrong approach; there is a yardstick by which you are judged, a perfect way to be.

For example, consider assertiveness. If you take an assertiveness questionnaire (and I confess, I do sometimes use one when training to promote discussion and debate) it will assume that there is a degree of assertiveness that is desirable. That will probably be measured at 100% with any score coming at over 80% being good. It can’t take into account the fact that you are totally assertive at work but find it hard to tell your sister in law that you want to stay home next Christmas! And if you feel perfectly comfortable with your assertiveness levels but come in at 65% you may feel a bit of  a failure.

No Pass or Fail

You cannot pass or fail the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. There is no right or wrong, no 100% score to achieve, there is just you. You are always in control. It is one of the most respected profiling tools in the world and one with a very high retest probability. Which in laywomen’s terms means you have a high chance of getting the same answers however many times you take it! (The only exception to this is if it’s taken when young, while our personalities are still developing).

Team Work

Although the M.B.T.I is often used in groups and can be great for helping teams understand each other, I personally will only use it for the first time it in a one to one situation.  I trained at the original MBTI college in the U.S and part of my ethical contract with them is that results are always confidential to the individual. The individual must be given space and time to fully understand and agree with their type before being asked if they are happy to share.

Peer Pressure

In my experience it is not possible to do this in a group situation; the pressure of peers to join in (however subtle and unintentional) can be too great. That said, if all team members are genuinely happy to talk about their result, and genuinely happy with the type they have, it can be a phenomenal tool in promoting understanding!

If you’re interested in discovering more about yourself using the M.B.T.I. either as a one off session or part of a coaching package, please do give me a call on 01761 438749  or email me. I have a great special offer running throughout the Spring!

MBTI, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Myers-Briggs, the MBTI logo and Introduction to Type are registered trademarks of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Trust. Strong Interest Inventory, FIRO-B, SkillsOne, and Davies-Black are registered trademarks and CPI 260, CPI, California Psychological Inventory, the CPP logo, the FIRO-B logo and the CPI 260 logo are trademarks of CPP, Inc.

Inspire Yourself!

Here’s a tip to inspire yourself and to help keep your motivation going!

When I’m running my own seminars and courses I often get participants to write to themselves for delivery at a future point. And I’ve recommended writing down your aims in previous blog posts.

It can be really helpful to write down what you want to do, how you are feeling at a particular point in your life, and how you want to feel at a point in the future. Or maybe write down stages you need to reach to achieve your goals and aspirations. For example, by June I will have written two chapters of my book and researched possible publishers! It really helps to put it in writing.

And now you can get it sent to yourself in the future! There is a web site futureme.org where you can do just that! It could be really helpful in keeping your motivation going! Not as helpful as attending one of my courses obviously….but helpful all the same!

If you try it do let me know how you get on? And how do you keep your motivation going?