So, Will You Have Lilies or a Pint?

I don’t intend this to be a sad post although I will be mentioning the taboo subject of death so look away now if you don’t fancy it!

When you get to a certain age it’s a pretty safe bet that you will have had a fair bit of experience of loss in your life and attended one or two funerals. By and large I think funerals are a very good thing and I want mine to be heaps of fun but preferably after I’ve conked out with a glass of gin in hand following an uproarious 100th birthday party where I’ve danced the night away!

But seriously, it is important to mark events in our lives, happy and sad, and all cultures do it. I am a great fan of tombstones and was recently thinking about my father’s memorial stone, which always makes me smile.

My Dad died many years ago; he had cancer so we had some time to plan for his demise and subsequent funeral arrangements. After a cremation in Bath we took his ashes back to Edinburgh where he was buried in a family grave. We were able to add a small stone for him which prompted much discussion! We didn’t have a lot of space but we particularly wanted to put something that would give a flavour of what my Dad was like.

Eventually we settled on his titles, son, father, grandfather and occupation. It didn’t seem enough. But then we remembered he had a little phrase he always used when shaking your hand (well, he always used it if he liked you.)

He would say:

‘Here’s my hand, here’s my heart‘.

And so we put that on his stone. We’d also noticed that several of the surrounding headstones had little carvings on which added to the information about the deceased, like a motorbike, or a house or plane. So we pondered long on what to put on my Dad’s. It began as joke but somehow stuck and eventually we had a perfect pint of beer, in a straight glass, with a head (but still a full pint) etched to one side of the stone. The stonemeason was rather bemused and said he had never been asked for that before, lilies being more usual. However, he obliging carved out a pint of John Smith’s and now my father’s grave raises a smile from many who pass by it and always a hefty grin from us and happy memories, which surely is what tombstones should be about?

What phrase best sums you up? If you had to choose an image for yourself what would you choose?

I have a much longer (and serious) article on Coping with Loss and Bereavement which you can read here.

PS My Dad died on January 21st 1998 after some very tender loving care at Dorothy House hospice. My daughter is running the Bath Half Marathon to raise money for the hospice so if you’d like to follow her progress, here’s the link to her fundraising page.

Is the Glass Ceiling Women’s Fault?

Woah, steady on me! Am I now blaming women for centuries of discrimination? Adding to the guilt which we women are so good at carrying around? (Erica Jong- “Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man”). Has it really been been our fault all along!

Well, no, of course not. But I am suggesting that maybe it’s time to examine what is going on in our heads and how much that is a barrier to our progress. Maybe we create some of our own limitations based on what we see around us and if we could free ourselves from that straitjacket we may find ourselves smashing that glass ceiling! Regardless of what is going on around us…

Women’s Strength

It takes some doing to cast off the images and impressions that we have grown up with. We’re in a kind of double bind; legislation has changed in our favour and most organisations at the very least pay lip service to the idea of gender equality, if not actively promote it. Yet there are still few women in senior positions and the role models are mainly male. The behaviour rewarded is generally male. Maybe we women look at those roles and think “I don’t want to be like that, that’s not my style, that’s not me”. That’s certainly true of a lot of the women I coach; what’s on offer doesn’t appeal and many of them end up running their own businesses or dropping out of the competition. (Sam Roddick is a great example of what I mean, see her interview with me here).

Grab the Opportunities

And there is research out there telling us that women are being hardest hit by the recession and that we are still underpaid in comparison to our male colleagues etc. All pretty dispiriting stuff. If we’re not careful we can be overwhelmed and begin to think that there is no point in trying. The truth is it’s not easy for any one, man or woman, to get to a senior position. Yes, I still believe it is harder for a woman for all sorts of reasons but it’s clearly not impossible and I think it’s eminently desirable. There is a lot on offer to help us, if we choose to take advantage of it, like the government saying it is considering imposing quotas for the number of women on British boards if there isn’t a change. What better time to try for a seat on the board! I’ve spoken with some recruitment companies who tell me that they are being asked to put more women on the shortlists they submit but are having trouble finding enough!

Be Honest

So take a few moments to reflect and ask yourself honestly, am I my biggest barrier to career advancement? And if you come up with a yes, you’re not alone. And I’m not having a go at you; there are good reasons why we feel as we do. Yet I know from my coaching of professional women that once we get our heads in the right place, it all becomes a lot easier. Have the confidence to just go for it!

“We are not touched so much by events themselves but by the view we choose to take of them” Epictetus. Choose a different view and the world could be your oyster!

And if you’d are interested in working one to one with me I have a few spaces becoming available this Spring and I’m also taking bookings for my March Speak Up course now!

Top Tip-Stop Laughing & Remember to Plug Your Course!

A while back I was asked to do a BBC radio show with Dr Phil Hammond. I accepted with alacrity as a) I love to push my boundaries a bit, b) I have a course to promote and c) it sounded like it would be fun.

It certainly was fun! Almost too much fun as it happened. Dr Phil is a GP/comedian and was making me laugh so much off air that it was hard to stop when the mike was switched on!

Dinner Guests

I was asked to come up with a list of my top four dinner guests, plus music I’d choose to have playing, and a venue. As I’m a personal development specialist for women naturally I chose 4 very strong women:
Rosa May Parks, Emmeline Pankhurst, Judi Dench, and Mary Wesley, although he also let me have Beryl Cook too as I couldn’t decide. My venue was Graceland (so I could pop upstairs and see the bits you’re not allowed to see on the tour!). You can read more about those women here, in Your Dream Dinner Party if you’d like.

The hour passed in a flash, which was good as my principle concern had been ‘what if I need to go to the loo?’ Dr Phil had airily replied ‘Oh you can usually get there in one record and back’. He obviously hadn’t noticed my hobbling steps because of a bad back. I doubted I’d get there and back in a whole CD! Apart from pushing the mike closer to me that was about all the preparation I got. That and crossing my legs…

Radio Indiscretions

I can really understand why people commit indiscretions on the radio when being interviewed now. There you are in a small and cosy studio, just the two of you, chatting between the records, bonding and having a laugh.

You really do forget that you are talking to quite a few other people as well. In fact, at one stage Dr Phil forgot to turn off the sound during the traffic update and you can hear him in the background talking rather disparagingly about Maggie Thatcher. I was still giggling loudly as me and the weather woman had ever so gently ganged up on him about gender bias in the world of business. and he was moaning away about being picked on. Heaven knows what the audience made of that! And thank goodness I wasn’t saying anything awful…imagine!

I was enjoying myself so much that I totally forgot to even mention my course but ever the professional, Phil asked me a question about it.Thanks Phil! And for putting up with me calling you ‘darling’ all the way through (I came over a bit luvvy at one point!)

Speak Up Course for Women

Anyway, here are the details of my course which is a great one for business women and a wonderful opportunity to give your career a boost and better understand how the men you work with tick!

It’s called Speak Up, a one day seminar, March 12th, at The Royal Crescent Hotel in Bath. You can read all about it and book here and if you have any questions, please email me jane@changingpeople.co.uk or call me for an informal chat on 01761 438749. I can’t promise you Phil Hammond will be there but Johnny Depp has stayed at the hotel in the past….

Do Women Need Role Models?

There was a lot of debate just before Christmas about the lack of any women on the BBC Sports Personality of the Year (Read this from the Guardian by Jeanette Kwakye, a British Sprinter). Does it matter or is it just a case of women whining about nothing much?

I think it does matter and it matters a lot. It particularly matters to young women of any ethnicity if they never see anyone in the public eye of their gender or culture. In fact, it probably matters to society as a whole. We all need role models.

Research

A recent University of Massachusetts Amherst study found having academic contact with female professionals in science, technology, engineering and maths (STEM) can have positive influences on students—female students in particular. For girls and young women studying these subjects in school, being able to identify female role models helps them imagine themselves as STEM professionals. The role models enhance their perceptions of such careers and boost their confidence in studying such subjects.

Similarly there has been a lot of national angst about the lack of male teachers in primary schools and the desirability for young boys to have male role models. Because it matters to all of us. Seeing people like us achieving spurs us on to achieve for ourselves. The messages sent out by role models are strong and powerful.

Media

During the Christmas period I had one of those, have I woken up in the 1950s? moments. I was lying in bed, relishing not having to be anywhere in particular with BBC radio gently playing in the background (I am an addict). I wasn’t especially listening to the content, just the comforting voices of Justin Webb and Evan Davis, my favourite combination. After a while I realised that I hadn’t heard any female voices at all; not a presenter (they have 5 presenters and 1 is a woman), not forecasting the weather, and not as a contributor. Eventually of course a woman’s voice was heard but I think she was preceded by about an hour of men talking (Newsnight by the way, is generally much better at finding a more representative mix to talk on serious topics – kudos to them).

I tweeted the adorable Evan and asked about it. He replied that they had 2 guest editors coming up who were women, (they were good; I managed to be fully awake for them) but it isn’t really the point.

Similarly with other festive TV. Of the quizzes or comedy panels I watched some didn’t even manage to muster one token women and were totally male. Of those that did the men always outnumbered the women. Always. It’s very obvious in comedy (by the way, look out for an interview with Lynne Parker who runs Funny Women soon.) I can’t believe that the viewing public don’t think women are funny (thinking immediately of Ab Fab and Sarah Millican) or that there aren’t female comics out there available for panel shows!

So come on media folks, the BBC in particular. You are funded by the viewing public so do your best to represent ALL of the viewing public, particularly on serious current affairs programmes. I’m not saying every programme should have a 50/50 split, or that I don’t enjoy the male contributors, I do. But I do believe that our national broadcaster should make a huge effort to be representative. It matters, it really does matter.

If you enjoyed this post you may also like Women, where’s your ambition?

PS MY Twitter name is @JaneCWoods if you care to join in the discussions any time!

Feminist Talk?

Does the language we use matter? I think so. If you only ever hear talk of fireMEN OR policeMEN or books and articles constantly refer to ‘he’, it is sending out a message about who is in charge. The use of fire-fighter and police officer gives a much more gender neutral message!

In truth it can be cumbersome to always try and address both genders and the results are not always elegant. However, metaphor has an important role in our understanding and story telling so it does matter.

When I was in management I often got irked by the male metaphors constantly used in meetings (by both genders). In the grand scheme of things it’s a relatively minor irritation but sometimes for fun I would deliberately inject a few female metaphors. (See my last post Twisted Sister for an attempt at this – did it work?)

Share Your Feminist Metaphors & Analogies

So let’s have a bit of fun. Think of as many male type phrases in constant use in the workplace currently, such as:

Run it up the flag pole and see who salutes

Ball park figure

Move the goal posts

Throw in the towel (boxing)

Spitting (or other things) into the wind

I’m sure you have loads of your own to add. Now, try to imagine a conversation or business meeting where all those phrases are replaced with ones which strongly relate to the other half of the population. What have you got? Please share! I’ll send a fee download of my book to the best or funniest!

Who Is In Your Fan Club?

You will have supporters in life

and you will have detractors in life

and you will have couldn’t care much one way or the others in your life.

The ‘couldn’t care much one way or the others’ may help you if you ask them. They probably won’t do you any harm. You could get to know them better – find out what makes them tick and offer help and assistance to them. Who knows, in time they may join your supporters club.

The detractors may take up more of your time that necessary; we tend to get caught up with stuff like that when sometimes the best answer is just to let go. Decide that they won’t upset you and don’t respond. A waste of your energy.

Which leaves your supporters.

Do you know who your supporters are? Are you paying them enough attention? Are you supporting in return?

PHoto Credit: Duchessa