A Definition of Feminism?

“I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is:  I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute.” 
Rebecca West, “Mr Chesterton in Hysterics: A Study in Prejudice,” The Clarion, 14 Nov 1913, reprinted in The Young Rebecca, 1982

Dame Rebecca West (nee Cicely Isobel Andrews) was an English journalist, novelist and critic. Kenneth tynan described her as “the best journalist alive”, and in her youth she was prominent in the women’s movement.

What do you think? Are you happy to call yourself a feminist?  How do you define feminism today?

How to Give a Compliment

In my post bag last week I had three lovely emails all thanking me for various bits of coaching I had done. They made me feel wonderful and started me thinking about how important it can be to give and receive compliments.

However, many of us are quite diffident when it comes to giving compliments; we feel that we may be thought of as insincere, or worse, sucking up to someone. But actually, being able to give a genuine and sincere compliment reveals a high level of emotional intelligence. To give a genuine and sincere compliment you need to have taken notice of a person, and we all respond positvely to a compliment that we believe is genuine (even if sometimes we find it hard to know how to respond - more about how to receive compliments in a later post).

Why Give a Compliment?

Well, it’s part of our human interaction. It can be a conversation opener, like:
‘I really like those earings you are wearing, they bring out your eye colour. Where did you get them?’

In this statement you are saying I have noticed you, I am not making an anodyne ‘you look nice’ comment but I have actually noticed you as a person. I am complimenting you on your taste in jewellery and I am showing that I would like to converse with you. Bet you didn’t realise you could say so much with so little! It’s like giving a little conversational gift.

Behaviour Changes

Did you know, it has been researched that we need about seven pieces of praise to wipe out the effects of one negative comment? So be specific when you give your compliment. This works with children and adults. Comment and compliment on the behaviours that you like and hold back on criticising those you don’t like. For example, after a team meeting it can be far more effective to say:
‘I really was impressed with the way that you handled that difficult question without getting angry’,
and leave out the fact that they got really narky with the first questioner!

Compliment Your Manager

I was once at a large corporate affair and complimented one of the senior management team on her presentation (it had been very good). She looked at me in grateful surprise and said:
 ‘One of the aspects about being in a senior post is that people rarely say things like that. They assume that you can do it easily or should be able to do it easily so no one ever says anything. Thank you for saying that’.
It really taught me a lesson about the power of a sincere and genuine compliment. We all appreciate it, at whatever level. To make a genuine connection, only give genuine compliments, but remember you need to balance them with appropriate and considered criticism. If you only ever give indiscriminate praise your contributions will be devalued. When you get the balance right people will value what you say all the more and they’ll take all your comments more seriously.

Focus on the Positives

So try and focus on the good in people, and compliment it throughout the day. You never know, it might just make you feel like you’re actually surrounded by kind, competent, and interesting people. And the research tells us that they will find you to be more kind and competent as well! Win win!

If you have enjoyed this please take a look at this article on my web site.

Give Away a Smile Today!

Comedienne Phyllis Diller once said “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight” and the science proves her right!

Catch a Smile!

Not that we need scientific research to tell us that when we smile we feel better about the world. And what is more, people receiving our smile feel better about life too! What a gift to have! It is contagious. Emotionally contagious to be precise. Emotions are contagious so spread a little laughter around.

The Science

According to a researcher from Lund University in Sweden, mimicking a person’s bodily state or facial expression causes physical responses in the receiver’s body that are identical to those in the sender’s. When people use the muscle groups linked to specific emotions, their body will react as though they are really experiencing that emotion.

If you squint your eyes up and wriggle your nose and make a classic angry pose, your body will release some adrenaline and your heart rate may speed up as if you are really angry. Likewise, if you even just to pretend to smile by turning up the corners of your mouth and narrowing your eyes, your body will release serotonin, dopamine and other “feel-good” indicators. In the study by Hess and Blairy, participants reported feeling more happiness and sadness/depression relative to the emotions shown on the video they were watching.

Laughing is Even Better!

Laughter can help to relieve stress and has been shown to improve our immune system. Laughing has been described as like giving your innards a workout; massaging our inner organs.  When we laugh our blood pressure goes up and then comes down. We also stretch our lungs, relax our chests, and breathe easier. Laughter causes our bodies to release neurochemical compounds associated with an improved mood. When we can laugh at something, we change our perspective and our attitude.

It is hard to stay angry when laughing. As we laugh, we momentarily distract ourselves from our problems and, perhaps, even from our physical discomfort. Life is better when we can have a good laugh. When did you last have a really good side splitting laugh?

Some Smiling Facts

Small children smile about 400 times a day

Grown ups smile about 14 times a day

Women smile more than men

We are all born with the smiling instinct

It takes 43 muscles to frown but you need only use 17 to make a smile!

A massive grin might use 53 muscles – a good facial exercise!

Apparently we have about 18 different types of smile we use in social situations

A smile causes us to release serotonin, the happiness hormone

And if you needed any other reasons to smile -Regular smilers are seen as sincere and attractive!

Do let me know the last time that you had a really good laugh – and what it was that made you laugh!

Are You Biased?

Most of us think that we’re fair when it comes to judging other people, but actually there is a lot of research to show that we all exhibit a lot of subconscious bias!

Fundamental Attribution Error

This is when we are kinder to ourselves than others. For example, if we’re rushing to get to a meeting and we’re late, we’ll have all sorts of reasons as to why. They will be external reasons such as ‘the bus was late’, ‘I got stuck behind a slow driver’, etc.

But if we’re sitting in a meeting waiting for someone to show up who is late, our thoughts are likely to attribute an internal reason to them, i.e. the fact that they are hopeless timekeepers. We don’t give them the benfit of a reason outside of their control.

Confirmation Bias

Once we have mentally tagged someone as ‘always late’ we tend to see only the evidence that supports that view. We will always notice every time they are late and expect them to be late. Each time we are right we feel supported in our belief and it strengthens it. We were right – that person is always late!  Amazingly, we are able to conveniently ignore the almost equal number of times thay are punctual because that doesn’t fit  our bias about this person!

I see this often when I am working in organisations undergoing change. Once a certain theory has taken hold it is very hard to dislodge it, despite evidence to the contrary.

Suspend Your Bias

Next time you find yourself passing a negative comment about someone, whether out loud or silently, stop for a second and consider whether the evidence actually fits your pronouncement. It might help you to manage any anger or frustration you feel and give you a new take on someone!

Do You Believe People Can Change?

Do you believe people can change? My whole career has been built on the principle that, yes, they can! It’s not easy but it happens all the time.

It is important to believe that it’s possible though or you will be stuck with the same patterns of behaviour for ever. Which is fine, if it’s working for you but not so fine if you are feeling fed up and disgruntled with the hand life has dealt you.

Life Story

When I worked with youngsters who had experienced trauma and loss in their short lives, we frequently made a life story book, looking at the significant events of their lives. Usually these kids had had no control over what happened to them and many of them had had experiences you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. The life story work had many purposes, but one was to help them understand that they could take back some control of their lives in the future and not see themselves as helpless victims of their past.

Don’t Get Stuck

I often work with people who have had a difficult life by any standards. Some are stuck, feeling that they can’t throw this off; their early experiences of life are continuing to haunt and inform everything they do. Conversely, I have been privileged to work with some amazing people who have had equally devastating experiences but have made a decision not to let this ruin the rest of their lives, and to use it in a positive fashion. They have let the negative experiences make them stronger.

Survivors

I am struck by this survivor mentality most forcibly when I read accounts of holocaust survivors. People who endured unimaginable tragedy yet went on to have amazing lives, made films, made music, wrote great literature. One such inspirational woman was Alice Herz-Sommer whose story I read in The Guardian newspaper in 2006. She was 103 at the time!

Alice had endured the ghettos in Prague, lost her husband in Auschwitz along with many members of her family yet when interviewed she showed no trace of bitterness. She had gone on to become a gifted concert pianist and at 103 was still playing for several hours a day.

She said:

” I never spoke a word about it….I didn’t want my son to grow up with hatred in his heart…….my son had very good friends in Germany.

I had a twin sister – same mother, same father, same upbringing. She was extremely gifted but a terrible pessimist, but I was the contrary. This is the reason I am so old, even now, I am sure. I am looking for the nice things in life. I know about the bad things, but I only look for the good things.

Life is beautiful, extremely beautiful. And when you are old you appreciate it more. When you are older you think, you remember, you care and you appreciate. You are thankful for everything. For everything.”

She was the absolute embodiment of my favourite quote of all time, from a first century BC Stoic philosopher, Epictetus. In essence he said:

WE ARE NOT TOUCHED SO MUCH BY LIFE’S EVENTS, BUT BY THE VIEW WE CHOOSE TO TAKE OF THEM.

Therein lies the underlying message of every self help book ever written!

You can read an  article on Alice in full by clicking here

Warm the Cockles of Your Heart!

This link will take you to a lovely story which I guarantee will leave you with a smile on your face! It is really heartwarming so if you’re feeling a bit fed up with life, or simply want to be reminded of how wonderful people can be, click here