Coaching Training & Personal Development for Women & Trainers | Changing People Blog

My Advice on Giving Advice Is….?

Just this week someone made contact with me and began her email with (paraphrased):

I asked your advice several years ago and followed it

My heart started to flutter a little if I’m honest; had I given her good advice? Was she contacting me now to tell me her life was a mess because she listened to me?

Well, no, she wasn’t. Phew. We had talked informally years ago about her leaving her job and setting up as a freelance consultant/trainer. I had advised that she consider the options of getting a little more experience in a particular area before she did so. She told me that she had followed my advice and said it had really paid off for her and she was actually contacting me to talk about becoming one of my licensed trainers! Moreover, she said that in her work with young women she often talked about women who pulled up the ladder after them, and women who reached out and helped. She generously said that she had always cited me as one of the latter. What a lovely compliment. And after all these years I did remember her so she must have had something special too.

But it did make me pause and think about the the art of giving advice. It’s a potential minefield. I am frequently asked to advise women, often just a few moments after meeting them or sometimes at the end of a course (I’m not talking about a coaching relationship here). I am careful not to say categorically Do This or That, because everyone is different. Sometimes I  just ask more questions helping them get to the answer themselves. And sometimes, as in the case above, I share a little of what I have done that works for me.

My guiding rule in giving advice is always to be as ethical and as honest as possible. And in receiving advice? Learn to trust your instincts and recognise that although people may give advice with the best of intentions, like with anyone unwanted gift, you can just say thanks very much and pop it in the spare room when they’ve gone!

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

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Mary Beard – Inspirational Woman!

Mary Beard OBE (congratulations on that honour, Mary) is Professor of Classics at the University of Cambridge, a fellow of Newnham College and she writes for the Times Literary Supplement.  As if that weren’t enough, she’s been presenting programmes for the BBC on ancient history, making a potentially unknown and stuffy subject sound brilliantly up to date and fun, and appearing on topical news programmes like Question Time. Stuffy is not a word that describes her.

No stranger to controversy herself she was quick to rebut A.A.Gill when he made disparaging remarks about her appearance suggesting she needed some kind of makeover. “This is what 57 year old women look like, deal with it”. She also made some very pithy comments about men feeling intimidated by intelligent women. (You just know now why I love her!) Her robust defence of older women everywhere earned her much admiration – not least mine.

Jane: Mary, thank you so much for taking time out of your breathtakingly busy schedule to talk with us. You are well known now as a classicist but what did the young Mary think her future career would be? Did academia always beckon?
Mary: No I don’t think it did always beckon honestly. My first recollection is wanting to be a nurse, that soon morphed into wanting to be a brain surgeon! Then it was archaeology, and I suppose I didn’t end up that far from that.

We were both born in 1955 (clearly a vintage year). The 60s and 70s were an interesting time for feminism. Do you remember when you first became aware of gender inequality, when you first began to call yourself a feminist
I went to an all girls school… and my parents were very keen on me having every opportunity there was. It’s odd (and perhaps a bit unreflective of me) that I didn’t really realise that there was active discrimination against women (possibly including me) until I got to university. I read The Female Eunuch and the Second Sex and so forth, but it was all a bit theoretical so far as I was concerned, and much more concerned with body politics and sexuality… not women’s opportunities.

I was at a women’s college in Cambridge, but it was there I discovered that there really were (apparently intelligent) people in the world who just didn’t think women were as smart as men. In some ways that came as a shock, but in other ways I was old enough to deal with it then,

I sometimes hold to a wistful view that sexism is not so rampant in the academic world, (despite being seriously quizzed in an interview at Bath University in 1981 on how I could study and be a mother). Do you think it is an issue? And how do you deal with it?
It is still an issue, but in my experience things have improved hugely since I was a student. I mean when I was a student only 10% of us were female – and there was certainly no such thing as a university nursery. Now about 50% are women …and childcare is really on the agenda.

There is a long way to go (the proportion of senior women in Cambridge is still worrying small), but we shouldn’t forget how far we’ve come. I mean one of the women who taught me in Cambridge always used to remind us that when she had her baby there had been no such thing as maternity leave. What did you do, we asked. You tried to have the baby in the vacation, she said.

One thing that has struck me so forcibly in recent years is how young women often tell me that feminism is not a big issue for them, that equality has been achieved. Have you come across this amongst your students? If so, why do you think this is?
Yes very occasionally ..and I try to get them to reflect a bit harder. I think they confuse legal “equality” with the real thing.

I really don’t want to ask this question as you’ll probably yawn but I also want to know the answer – curiosity won.
You have been subject to criticism about your appearance (natural, healthy and gorgeous would be my description, a woman comfortable in her skin); how have you managed to resist the media and its desire to ‘make you over’? Have you ever been tempted? Has the BBC ever dared mention it?
The BBC have been great … it was clear all along that they were hiring me for my ability (such as it is) to communicate knowledge and enthusiasm about the ancient world. No there has been no make-over talk.

I find it all a bit puzzling. I am quite comfortable with me; I’m 58 and look it fine. And not going for a makeover doesn’t mean one isn’t remotely interested in how one looks. I love that red mac I wore on the programmes, and the gold trainers.

Yes, I loved the red mac too (pictured)!In your television programmes on Ancient Rome you tend to focus on ‘average’ folk and on the lives of women. Is it difficult to find out about women in history? Are their lives well recorded if you know where to look?
No they aren’t well recorded overall, but you do get some very vivid glimpses. I really enjoyed bringing some back into the limelight. One of my special favourites was Allia Potestas, the one who was living with two blokes in a ménage a trois.

Could you countenance being a woman in an ancient Britain? Are there parts of the Roman Empire where it would have been preferable to be female than others? (I loved Bettany Hughes’ series on Divine Women; I never knew any of those facts about women as divine beings. It simply wasn’t taught at school, apart from seeing pictures of Minoan Goddesses with snake hair – a vivid image!)
It would have been absolutely ghastly to be a woman in the ancient world (however rich you were, death in childbirth was an ever present danger). And even those female goddesses were not always as clear an indication of female power as we like to think. Athena may has been a goddess in a way, but she was an extraordinary masculinising hybrid – who, by being born from the head of her father, in a sense wrote off female power.

Latin wasn’t taught in my school but it was in my husband’s and I’ve often envied him the breadth it gives him. Do you think it should be taught again in schools? Come to think of it, I don’t recall seeing Latin in my local evening class list. Would you make it compulsory?
I’m not keen on compulsory! But I think that all kids who want to, no matter how rich they are, should have an opportunity to experience the challenge and the fun of Latin.

What has been your ‘best’ failure?
Oh dear… I think failing my driving test rather often has made me a better driver

If you could have any alternative career what would you choose? And would you take part in Strictly Come Dancing?!
I always wanted to do something serious with prison reform. And no… I don’t like these celeb things. I always said that I was on T.V. because of my expertise, and that was the only reason…so I will do things connected with that (like Jamie’s Dream School), but I’m not (and not wanting to be) a T.V ‘personality’. I’m an academic who does some telly.

Mary, thank you. And on behalf of older women everywhere, keep up the good work, we appreciate it.

Mary has a blog where you can keep up to date with her exploits, not least the latest one concerning her appearance on BBC’s Question Time panel. The link to Mary Beard’s blog is here.

Other posts featuring Mary Beard:

In Praise of Older Women and the BBC

Ageism Sexism in the Media

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Women, Are You Getting What You’re Worth?

Women, the stats tell us, get less pay than men for the same work. It’s been happening for years.

As a young Saturday girl working in a large department store in 1973 I discovered that the young lad (same age as me) who worked alongside me was being paid at least 30% more than I was FOR THE SAME JOB.  All these years later I can still remember the incensed feeling as I marched along to the HR office and demanded to see the manager, a woman as it happened.

I asked her why he got more money. The answer:

“Because he’s a boy”.

There was no attempt to dress it up, it was just the way things were.

I left the office (having a secured a pay rise for all the Saturday girls) much wiser about the ways of the world.

If we don’t ask very few employers are going to give it to us.

Value yourself properly. If you’re in a role where salary is negotiable always ask for top end. If it’s on a fixed scale ask them to start you off up a few grades. Be confident of what you offer and make sure you get equal treatment.

If you don’t value yourself, no one else will.

Related posts:
Three Tips to Close the Gender Pay Gap

What Every Woman need to Know about Work

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Why Can’t Women Say Yes?

Are you a woman who finds it difficult to say yes?

I ask this question as I heard a BBC producer recently say that if she asked 12 people to guest on a radio show and 11 were women, probably only the man would say yes at once. And as they are normally working to a very tight schedule, guess who gets on the air? She cited an example of having asked a woman who had authored a serious paper who, when asked to come and talk about it, said;

Maybe it would be better if you spoke to my supervisor“.

Now I don’t sign up to the view that’s it’s all us women’s fault that we are so seriously under represented in the media; we know better than that and there is a lot of history, habit and discrimination at play here.

But if we want to see a better gender distribution in the world with women of all ages being featured as of right, then we need to start to speak up.

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P.S Have done a fair bit of radio myself as you can read here!

Man Up & Don’t Be Silly Girls!

Man up! A phrase which seems to be gaining currency and a perfect example of insidious sexism which creeps into our language and contributes to a subtle undermining of women’s confidence.

I was having this discussion recently with some great women on my RenewYou course. I had just shared the information that the Institute of Learning & Management ILM) has identified women’s lack of confidence as one reason women weren’t making it to the top.

I know this to be true and I think there a lots of reasons for it, not least the very male world that we live in and the lack of female role models in all areas but especially represented in the media – TV, films, print. This is particularly true of older women.

Imagine the power of that message. As you get older, women, you cease to be of significance in this society so you can’t be found easily in our culture (unless we’re having a go at you  you, as in Professor Mary Beard’s case where having the temerity to air her well informed views on a BBC news programme resulted in an onslaught of misogyny. You can be in the media as an older women but within a very narrow stereotype: national treasure,  sad old woman, or a woman who is looking amazingly youthful and therefore to be lauded for having good genes or loads of plastic surgery. Heaven help me.

But back to ‘Man Up’. This phrase was used recently by a well known British politician while berating local councils for complaining about some measure he’d introduced which they weren’t enthusiastically embracing and were  criticising. He told them on national news, and on the web to ‘man up‘.

Which if you stop to think about it, actually means “Stop behaving like a woman which is undesirable behaviour.”Which can be interpreted as “women don’t do it properly so come on be a proper man, be strong and lead”.

That type of casual sexism happens day after day after day and yes, it does eat away at confidence levels and the worst thing is half the time we don’t even notice it, men or women. No doubt if that particular politician were challenged he’d scoff at the idea. He needs to think again. The language we use says a lot about us. ‘Man up’ may be fine when talking to a group of male rugby players but it has no place in the workplace.

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Interested in Women’s Personal Development? This is for you!

Those of you in the field of women’s training will find this interesting! And those of you interested in women’s personal development will too!

RenewYou Journal & FolderAbout six or seven years ago I devised a brand new personal development programme for women. Over the yearsI have been delivering RenewYou, some really excellent trainers have been asking me if they could add it to their repertoire too. Equally numerous are the clients and newsletter readers who have asked me if I would deliver a course in their area. I’m not sure why it took me so long to make the connection but…I did at last and in 2012 began planning the licensing of RenewYou! Now it is possible for experienced trainers to deliver the RenewYou course under licence which means that RenewYou will be coming to a venue near you very soon!

I am a perfectionist when it comes to working with my clients or licensed trainers; I always want you to get the best experience possible. The one day course came about in the first instance as a response to your requests – you wanted a course that would give you time, space and motivation to make positive change but you wanted it in one day, (you’re too busy to take too much time out of work, I know). I set out to design a course which would punch above its weight and have an impact that went well beyond the one day itself. Client testimonials tell me that it’s working!

Jane, RenewYou was well worth the time, effort and money, thank you

The effects of this course have gone well beyond the day itself

And in the spirit of continuous improvement, I have gone further. I have designed and written a journal to accompany the course which will be by your side, motivating and encouraging you, for the next 12 months. Writing it was an absolute joy as I really felt I was making an immediate connection with my reader and had in my mind’s eye all the wonderful women who have benefited from the RenewYou programme to date. The journal comes in at 300 inspirational pages to take you through your year of change with easy opening binding so you can write in it and refer to it as often as you wish.

The first part of the book is for use on the actual day itself with the exercises we use and space for you to record your responses, ideas, and thoughts. It will serve as a useful reminder as you start to put your plans and ideas into action.

It doesn’t end there though. The middle section of the book is packed with 52 articles all about your personal development, one for each week of the year following your course. Some are thought provoking ideas for you to consider, some are full of factual information to further your development, and some are new exercises for you to try.

RenewYou journals 2And in the final section we have 13 inspiring interviews with women, some famous, some not, who have made changes in their own lives and who will inspire you to greater things. I originally planned on having one inspiring woman for each month but I just had to add one more in!

It’s been such fun putting this together and I know you will love it. You’ll get a copy of the journal whether you attend a course delivered by me or by one of our excellent licensed trainers. And if you’ve attended a course in the past and would like a copy to refresh your development do get in touch. I am happy to let Renewyou graduates have it a discounted price!

RenewYou is a course which gives you the tools, motivation and oomph to make really positive change in your life – and with the new 12 month journal we’re with you all the way!

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