Coaching Training & Personal Development for Women & Trainers

Why Does ‘Respecting Cultural Issues’ usually mean ‘Women Have Few Rights’? Time to Stop?

In the UK there have been a spate of arrests, court cases etc involving the sexual abuse of women and girls. Sometimes it’s almost unbearable to read the news. This morning was no exception.

The excellent journalist Grace Dent writing for The Independent had a piece on the Oxfordshire sexual abuse scandal (read it here). If you read it you’ll see she highlights the issue of people being fearful of challenging certain practices in case they are accused of not respecting other people’s cultures. This was certainly a feature in the Oxfordshire case where young girls (sometimes as young as 11) were first groomed, then raped by paedophiles and used and abused by gangs of men for very long periods of time.

Coincidentally I was talking about this ‘cultural issue’ a few days ago to a group of women I was working with. I shared with them that as a young girl growing up in an area where there were a lot of Asian men I had regularly been verbally abused at in the street because I was wearing a mini skirt and deemed to be a shameless hussy (I’m imagining that’s what they were saying to me). I hated it. My best friend at the time was from an Asian family; at 15 she was married off and forbidden by her new, much older, husband to see me or any of her old friends again. Not just her surname changed but her first name too. I never did see her again.

After University I went on to train as a social worker and struggled womanfully with the notion that these differing attitudes to women were cultural and under no circumstances should I voice my concerns out loud if I wanted to pass my course. It would be considered racist to do so. It’s probably worth pointing out that at that time (early 1980s) the UK as a whole wasn’t quite so hot on the treating women with respect thing either.

So what do you think? Is it racist to be appalled at the way women are treated? Is it a cultural issue where we should fear to tread? Is it because we are frightened of being accused of racism that some of these appalling acts can go on for so long unchallenged or discretely ignored? Or is it that women and girls are still seen by a large proportion of society as second class citizens, easy prey, and that the inherent sexism and class snobbery in our society allows this to happen?

What do you think?

No picture today, seemed a bit inappropriate…

Gender Issues

Advice From a Tree

Written by Jane 0 Comments

Not my usual type of post but I just loved this and I hope you do too. I’m not usually given to hugging trees but you know, I just might! Thanks to Ilan Shamir and to Trisha Barnes for sending it to me via Facebook

Thinking of expanding your training business? Are you passionate about empowering women? I can help you. To find out how, click here.

Confidence, Managing Change, Managing Stress, Motivation

Rebecca Caine – Inspirational Woman

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In an alternative life I might have pursued a singing career or at least a career on stage (I live vicariously through my actor son now!) so I love it when I get to meet women who are doing just that. Rebecca Caine is one such talented woman. She was born in Toronto and studied at the Guildhall School of music and unusually has a career singing in both opera and cabaret.

Jane: Rebecca, I’m so pleased to be talking to you properly at last! (We tweet usually, only 140 characters). As a young girl were you always a performer? Do you remember your first ‘public’ performance?
Rebecca: I decided to be a singer at age 6 after seeing Carmen. A brief flirtation with becoming an astronaut after the moon landings came to nothing as I didn’t have the maths.

When did you move from Canada to the UK? Was that a difficult move for you?
Actually although I was born in Toronto and am a Canadian, I grew in the states. First Baltimore and then Princeton. My father was an academic.

After a family schism I ended up in London at 16 with my mother and sister. They returned to the USA after a year but it was decided that I should drop out of High School and enter the Guildhall school of Music. My mother was born here so I had right of abode.

No, it wasn’t very easy. London in the 70s was grim and I was a pretty awkward kid.The culture shock was huge. I’d been brought up as an English child in the US, my mother was odd about letting us assimilate so I felt very out of place initially.

What was your very first professional performance on the stage? Do you remember how much you were paid?
Back in the day one had to get an Equity card and after I’d dropped out of the Guildhall at 19 I joined a small opera company that had one to give away. I’m not sure what I was paid but I think it was probably about £50 a performance. My first role was Despina in Cosi fan Tutte.

I am assuming that you have had periods in your career of ‘resting’. Do you have a back up career for those times? What other jobs have you done?
I was very lucky. Because I was both an opera singer and a musical theatre actor I got a lot of work.

Also, there was only a very small pool of actors in musicals then so it was pretty easy. I’ve only once done a “real” job.

After I got West Side Story my agent turned it down as I couldn’t do a years contract: I’d been contracted to go to Glyndebourne Opera for my chorus year.

I fired my agent but still had to go to Glyndebourne where Trevor Nunn saw me and asked me to do Les Mis so I guess it happened for a reason!
I didn’t know it at the time of course so that Christmas instead of playing Maria I grumpily sold knickers in Selfridges. That was the only real job I’ve done. I teach a bit now.

How did you get your first break?
My singing teacher’s agent rang me and asked if I’d like to go up for the role of Laurey in Oklahoma! in the West End.
I got it. It was my second job.

What’s the best piece of advice you have ever been given?
I’m really not sure. Whatever it was I was bound to have ignored it!

I was very head strong and made an enormous amount of mistakes, brushed a lot of people up the wrong way, I reeked Diva, mistakenly I think.
Insecurity comes over as arrogance, I see it in my students. So I was a very shy and nervous person but came over as the opposite.
Also, I was very much on my own for some years here at a young age in a time where we only picked up a phone in an emergency. I didn’t have a support system or anyone to really advise me as my family were not in the country and I was so young. I wish I’d had more guidance and advice.

My grandfather’s advice to my dad when he left home was “Don’t play cards with strangers” I’ll go with that.

What’s the most challenging thing about your chosen career?
Everything!

Learning a physical skill such as singing is an ongoing thing that ever stops.
Dealing with rejection.
Dealing with success.
Life balance.
Reinvention as one gets older.
Figuring out why you do what you do.

Because I left Guildhall so young I learned everything on the job. That certainly was a challenge when I moved into opera. I am not brilliant at languages and had to work very hard at that. I even did roles in Czech. It was hard graft but enjoyable.

I’m happiest now as a singer than I’ve ever been and I’m comfortable in my skin. I now sing for myself, for the joy of it. After 33 years I am more and more astounded by what a gift it is and what a joyous thing. It doesn’t have to be for an audience. It can be just a few hours in my studio thrashing through an aria and figuring out how sing it technically.

And what’s the best thing about your job?
I did a job at The Union recently. They do very good work and it’s highly visible. I was not well, it was freezing, I’m struggling with ongoing old war wounds, knee and shoulders, at the moment. It’s a unisex dressing and was far from some of the diva, limousine life I’ve lived.

The cast were so wonderful, there was a real blitz spirit, warm, generous, kind and hilariously funny. I was as ever, the token posho and not in the group numbers and I’d stand and watch them every night giving everything they had. It was very moving. I’m going to say the people. The people in theatre and not just on-stage. It’s an honour to be A Turn.

Who has most inspired you? And encouraged and supported you?
Various singers, Callas, Sutherland, Corelli, Bjoerling, Stratas. Dancers- Seymour, Sibley and Dowell.

Composers- Prokofiev, Shostakovich, Puccini, Berg.

All hard core classical…

My husband has supported me for 28 years and my friends including Frances Ruffelle, my Les Mis co star. We’ve been mates through thick and thin. My last singing teacher Gerald Martin Moore always loved my voice. Brian Dickie who ran Glyndebourne and Canadian Opera took the biggest chance on me professionally when I was singing Phantom by casting me as Lulu.

Who have you most enjoyed performing with? And who is your role model in the world of the Arts?

I’ve sung with so many extraordinary people it would be wrong to pick out anyone in particular. I love being in a company. I was very proud to be part of the original company of Les Miserables. They were an extraordinary group of talented people.

I also loved being at Opera North. It was like a repertory system and I worked with the same singers in many shows.
I don’t have a particular role model. When I read an obituary of a performer the ones I admire are people like Robert Helpman who did everything, danced, acted on stage and screen and ran companies.

Also my friend Karen Kain who was Canada’s premiere ballet dancer and now runs the National Ballet. She is an example of intelligence, talent, grace and class who has had ups and downs and is still reinventing herself.

Is it hard being to be a woman on tour?
It’s hard being a girl on tour. It’s much easier being a woman!

Have you ever felt the effects of sexism or is it pretty egalitarian?
Yes, absolutely. I certainly encountered actors and directors who felt they had droit de seigneur when I was very young. Disparity in pay, billing, it was and still is a man’s world.

I’ve always been pretty candid, I’ve not played the ingénue even when I was one and I think that’s a shock to people. I think one is expected to be the person on-stage off-stage.

Garth Drabinsky, the Canadian producer of Phantom and recently released from custody used to say “You’re too smart, keep your mouth shut. ”
I can’t imagine him saying that to a man.

Is how you look important in singing, or commented on?
It’s incredibly important. It’s even more important now. I was never a classically pretty leading lady. A bit too much of a goth Elsa Lanchester type! I don’t think I’d be cast in those roles if I were young now.

Now I think it’s really important for the younger women to see one feeling comfortable with oneself. The fact that actresses vanish at a certain age is very unsettling for all of us so when we do show up its important to show that older actors can be confident and happy and attractive and powerful. Only by doing this can we change things for the next generation.

Age is wisdom. Age is beautiful.

What advice would you give any budding performers?
The only thing you can control in the industry is your technique.

And finally, is there a book, a quote, or motto that has inspired you that you’d care to share with our readers?
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts”
Winston Churchill

“What matters is not what you do on-stage but what you do when you are off-stage”
Bill Bojangles Robinson

Rebecca, thank you so much and do let us know when we next see you in action. Long may you reign!

This is Rebecca’s web site where you can also hear her beautiful voice.

Thinking of expanding your training business? Are you passionate about empowering women? I can help you! To find out how, click here.

Inspirational Women

Melanie Bien – Inspirational Woman

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Melanie Bien is an award-winning freelance PR, author, and former personal finance editor of the Independent on Sunday. She’s also one of the 25 most influential people in the British property industry, according to the Daily Telegraph. And Melanie has a regular column in House Beautiful. A very busy woman so I’m very glad I could pin her down for a moment or two.

Jane: Melanie, hello and thank you so much for taking time out to talk with our readers. It’s a real pleasure to talk with you today. I had a quick gander at your website in preparation for our interview and I hadn’t realised you’d won so many awards! Congratulations on your many successes; I’m hoping you’ll share some of your success secrets with us today.

First, tell us about young Melanie. What was your dream job when you were in your teens? What did you want to be when you ‘grew up’?
Melanie: I grew up on a farm and loved animals and horse riding, so I wanted to be a vet or represent Britain as a three-day eventer at the Olympics. However, not being very good at sciences put paid to the veterinary career and I didn’t have enough dedication to make it as a professional rider.

Do you remember what your very first job was and how much you were paid?
My first Saturday job was working for the family business, selling bread and pies on a market stall. I started when I was 11-years-old and earned £2 an hour. My first full-time job was as a reporter on the now-defunct European newspaper. I earned £15,600 a year, which felt like a fortune at the time.

How did you get into the world of property?
I worked as a financial reporter for ten years on newspapers such as the Times and the Independent on Sunday. But I found the property element of the role the most interesting. I was approached by John Wiley to write a number of books on investing in property while at the Independent on Sunday and then I was offered a job doing PR for mortgage broker Savills Private Finance (now SPF Private Clients).

I’ve talked with journalists before and in answer to my ‘was there much sexism’ the answer is usually yes, lots! Have you encountered that much in your career and how have you dealt with it?
On the patch I worked as a journalist – personal finance – there tend to be many more female journalists than male so sexism wasn’t really an issue. I was also editing the Money section on the Independent on Sunday for five years so usually find that if you are in charge, it is hard for people to be sexist towards you. I encountered more sexism when I left journalism and worked in more of a corporate environment, where there were few women, particularly in senior positions.

The media has come under attack of late, especially the BBC (and I confess I’ve been one of the attackers) for their very poor representation of women on serious news programmes. You have appeared on several, such as BBC’s Newsnight. What would be your advice to any woman wanting to appear more in the media?
Make yourself available whenever the call comes – and don’t be snobby about what programmes you appear on. Some clients say to me that they ‘only’ want to be on high-profile programmes but actually it makes sense to cut your teeth and get some experience on lower-profile shows because you can learn on the job and not make too much of a fool of yourself. You also get the producers on side.

Then when the call comes for News at Ten or Newsnight, it’s no big deal and nothing to be worried about. Also, the producers know you have some experience and are going to be good at it.

It’s also important to know what you are going to say, do your research beforehand and be prepared to be a bit controversial.

A common riposte from researchers for TV and radio is that women, when asked to appear, dither and say no, at least initially. What advice would you give the ‘worried woman expert’?
Bear in mind that you are being asked to do it for a reason, because you are an expert in your field. It drives me mad that so many people – men, usually– assume you’ve been asked to appear as an expert simply because you are a woman and programmes want a ‘pretty face’ or have to be seen to give airspace to a woman. That’s just sour grapes and is simply not true. If you are asked, you have earned it, so make the most of it and go for it!

You now run your own successful media company, BienMedia. How was it setting out on your own? What was the best thing you did in relation to being your own boss?
Very scary. My youngest son (I have two) was just three months old when I set the company up but that made me even more determined not to go back to an office job that meant I was working 9-6 five days a week in London for someone else. I wanted much more flexibility, more variety and basically wanted something on my terms that meant I could spend as much time with my sons as I wanted. It is hard work and it often means working evenings after the boys are in bed but I wouldn’t change anything about it.

The best thing about being your own boss is that you can work with the people you want to work with. If I meet a prospective client and can’t envisage us getting along, then I can walk away. I don’t have to work with people I don’t want to, which is extremely liberating.

My daughter managed to buy her two bedroomed flat in Edinburgh with the help of an excellent scheme instituted by the Scottish Parliament. My son and his wife who live in England have been less lucky and are saving like mad for a mortgage (and they are actors so it’s not easy). What advice would you give to anyone trying to buy their first home, and to parents of first home buyers?
Save, save, save as the deposit is still the most important aspect of any home purchase. I know it is hard though, particularly if you have to pay rent in the meantime. Increasingly, parents are being called upon to help, which can be tricky if they are worried about their own retirement.

I would always advise speaking to an independent mortgage broker as well. They will be straight as to what you can afford and know which lenders are likely to be more sympathetic to your particular circumstances.

Who has been the most influence on your life to date? Who do you aspire to be like?
My mum is a huge influence. She always worked when we were children (she was, and still is, a midwife) and although it annoyed me a bit at the time being picked up from school by a neighbour, I realise now what a great role model she was. She always earned her own money (in fact she was the main breadwinner on and off in the family for years) and she has had a long career that she has found fulfilling, although it can also be very stressful. Nowadays she works fewer hours but helps with my boys in her ‘spare’ time and is a wonderful grandmother, and huge support to me. Without her, I wouldn’t be able to do what I do.

What’s your best way to relax? Where are we likely to find ‘off duty you’?
Relax?! What’s that? Seriously, if I get five minutes, I like to read. I’ve just finished Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl, which I thought was brilliant.

Melanie, thank you. If you could leave our readers with one thought, or quote, or book that has inspired or helped you, what would it be?
Ian Brown of the Stone Roses put it well:

‘Aim for the stars and you’re gonna hit the ceiling. Never put up with second best’.

I always liked that sentiment.

Melanie, thank you. Good advice! Melanie’s web site is BienMedia.com and she’s a regular contributor to women’s publications. Look out for her!

Thinking of expanding your training business? Are you passionate about empowering women? I can help you! To find out how, click here.

Inspirational Women

Jackie Ballard – Inspirational Woman

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I’m really pleased to be talking with Jackie Ballard. I first heard about Jackie when she was a Member of Parliament representing the Liberal Democrat party; she is now the Chief Executive of my favourite charity, WomanKind. I think there lurks a story in how she got from one to the other…

Jane: Jackie, thank you for talking with us today. I’m particularly pleased as I am a supporter of the work of WomanKind; it’s good to be multi tasking here with you as an inspirational woman and promoting WomanKind! Could you tell us a little about why WomankInd is so special and what attracted you to the post?
Jackie: Womankind Worldwide is a special charity because we work exclusively on women’s rights in Africa, Asia and South America and because we don’t deliver projects on the ground ourselves but work with women’s organisations to help build a movement. Our priority themes are violence against women and girls, civil and political participation and economic empowerment.

We believe that by working with women’s rights organisations we support existing local agendas for women’s rights rather than setting agendas from the outside that don’t necessarily reflect the priorities of women themselves. Women’s rights organisations have the ability to tackle root causes of inequality and drive a long-term shift in the status quo – an intensely political project that needs to be locally driven.

I have long wanted to make a contribution in the area of international development and I have always supported women’s equality so the job seemed a perfect fit. Having run two large charities in the past ten years (RSPCA and Action on Hearing Loss) I also wanted the new challenge of running a much smaller charity where I have to be more hands on.

Jackie, what kind of childhood did you have? I think we’re of an age so you will also have grown up in an era when girls were generally encouraged to be ‘nice young ladies’. Did your parents encourage your leadership qualities?
That’s a big question. I am not sure I was ever a nice young lady! I went to about 7 primary schools in as many years as my parents moved around Scotland and then settled in South Wales. I was then lucky (and clever) enough to win a scholarship to a girls’ boarding school and it was there that I became the person I am today. I learned to have confidence in myself, I learned how to debate and stand my ground and I learned about how unequal the world is. What really had an impact on me was the realisation that no-one has control over which patch of earth they are born on, but it can have a massive impact on their life chances and outcomes. It was at school that I became politicised and determined to do something with my life to fight inequalities and injustices. Quite a lot of the time I was an angry young girl.

Were there any hints in your childhood of the career you were to follow? What was your very first job, for example?
I started the school debating society! I was also quite rebellious at school and often in trouble for rule breaking. My very first job was making sandwiches in a café outside Chepstow Castle when I was a teenager, I then had a few waitressing jobs, including in my parent’s pub. I also had many ‘holiday’ jobs when I was at university but I guess you are asking what was my first full time permanent job – I was a social worker in the London Borough of Waltham Forest.

It’s a given that politics is a very male preserve and not well geared to the majority of women. I don’t mean just the anti social hours as that must surely impact on men too, but more the hectoring, adversarial style which is much more suited to male styles than to women. If not that, then the patronising comments made to and about women on shoes, looks, etc. I know it was fiction but watching Borgen (a show about Danish politics) seemed to present a much more civilised model. A couple of questions on that period of your life, if I may.
How did you end up as an MP?
I was a political activist from university – but didn’t join a political party until I met Paddy Ashdown (then the MP for Yeovil). I bombarded him with letters about the various issues that bothered me – ranging from VAT on children’s shoes to nuclear disarmament. Eventually, he knocked on my door and persuaded me to join the Liberal party. Within a couple of years I was elected to the local Town Council, the District Council (where I became Council Leader), then to Somerset County Council. I stood for Parliament in 1992 – lost, stood again in 1997 and won, then lost again in 2001! I became an MP because I thought that was where the ultimate power to change society lay.

How did you cope with the sexism from colleagues and press, particularly so as you were spokesperson on Women’s issues for a time. Some major political figures have recently been ‘outed’ for their sexist and inappropriate behaviour towards junior members; without naming names is that something you ever experienced? How did you deal with it?
I was horrified at the behaviour in the House of Commons. Otherwise sensible people (usually men) turned back into children, banging their desks when they were excited, calling names and competing with each other for attention. I watched a You Tube video the other day of the New Zealand Parliament clapping and cheering when they passed the Act to allow same sex marriage The public burst into song – it was amazing and so human. The House of Commons is flawed in so many ways, including the fact that 650 MPs (NB 503 of them are men) cannot physically fit into the chamber at the same time.

The worst insult I received was from the late Auberon Waugh, writing in the Telegraph, who said I was too fat to be an MP. I am never quick on my feet with put downs, but that particular story had a happy ending when he bid a lot of money at an ‘auction of promises’ to have dinner with me and we settled our differences over a convivial meal. He later wrote a column in The Telegraph saying he had changed his mind about me and not long before he died we shared a bottle of champagne on a train journey from London to Taunton (he was one of my constituents).

What change would you like to see in parliament to make it a more gender neutral place?
What changes would I like to see in society is more to the point? To some extent we get the Parliament we deserve. I would like politics to be less tribal, for people to be able to admit that other parties have good ideas and good policies, I would like a proportional voting system which gives voters more power than parties, I would like children at school to be taught the importance of democratic institutions and of voting and I wish that the representatives of the people (because that is what they are, they are not the rulers of the people) really looked like the people they represent i.e. 51% women, more black and Asian people, more people with disabilities, more people from comprehensive schools and social housing, more people who have worked in non political or lobbying roles etc I could go on for quite a long time to really answer this question!

I know you have travelled abroad extensively, particularly to Iran. How has that influenced your thinking?
I was so happy in Iran. It is a beautiful country and the people are very cultured and interesting. Of course, there are many problems there especially in terms of human rights and the restrictions placed on women, which I would not defend, but I learned that the West has a habit of over simplifying and demonising societies which we basically don’t understand. The world is fascinating because of its diversity of cultures and traditions.

Who is your role model?
In politics I have long admired Shirley Wilson, Harriet Harman, Hilary Clinton – each of them fighters and survivors. My mum was a huge role model – she worked at a career she loved from the age of 18 till she was 60 and she had the courage to end a marriage which was not happy. I didn’t really appreciate the challenges my mother had in her life, until she died last year and I did the eulogy at her funeral.

If you could pass one law to improve the quality of life for women what would it be?
I don’t think I would pass a new law, I think I would ensure that all the existing laws across the world, relating to violence against women in domestic, social and conflict situations – were actually enacted. That women had the resources and support to take their case to law, that police and the judiciary took them seriously and that all perpetrators were convicted and punished.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given and how did it help you?
Remember every contact leaves a trace. I have been lucky not to have made many enemies, despite having been active in party politics for 15 years. I keep meeting people in different contexts and am so glad that our previous contact didn’t leave a negative impression.

What would be your advice to yourself at age 18?
Treasure the love, it may not come your way again.

Jackie, thank you so much and long may womankind prosper under your stewardship.

If you’d like to fine out more about Womankind here is their website. Well worth a look.

Thinking of expanding your training business? Are you passionate about empowering women? I can help you! To find out how, click here.

Inspirational Women

Do You Need to Be Liked?

Written by Jane 3 Comments

One of the interesting things that Sheryl Sandberg, CEO of Facebook, author of Lean In, has been saying recently is that people don’t like successful women in the same way that they admire and like successful men.

She has a point.

In 2003, Columbia Business School ran an experiment to test perceptions of men and women in the workplace.

They started with a real life case, Heidi Roizen. Heidi had become a successful venture capitalist and the business case described the story of her success, using phrases like “outgoing personality” and “vast personal and professional network”.

Two copies of the business case were made. In one she remained Heidi, in the other ‘Heidi’ was replaced with ‘Howard’.

Half the students were given Heidi’s story and the other half Howard’s. The students were then asked about their impressions of Heidi or Howard. Both were rated as equally competent, both were respected. Heidi however, was seen as ‘selfish and not the type of person you’d want to work for’ Howard was viewed much more kindly.

I have seen numerous examples of this double standard being applied to women; I suspect I have even done it myself. (Shame on me). Because there are so few women at the top and we all know how difficult it is for women to get there, do we make assumptions that they must not have been nice people in the first place? Assumptions that we don’t make about men who have a ‘natural right’ to be there?

I certainly saw it in my work with offenders in the criminal justice system. Women were held to different standards by the judiciary.

If we punish women for success by not liking them how are we going to redress the balance? Will we perforce end up with women leaders who don’t care what people think of them? Is that a necessary quality in a leader?

And if you are a woman do you mind that successful women are more disliked than their male counterparts? What impact does it have on our ability to do the job? Does the fear of being thought strident, or distrusted hold you back?

What do you think?

Thinking of expanding your training business? Are you passionate about empowering women? I can help you! To find out how, click here.

Photo by Melissa Anthony

Gender Issues