Naked? How Do You Feel About That?

One of my favourite quotes is this one from Eleanor Rooselevelt:

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent’.

Manage Your Feelings

In fact, no one can MAKE you feel anything, good or bad! We feel the way we do because of the unique people we are and we do have some choice over our feelings.

So back to naked…. This is a wee story I use to illustrate the point when working with groups.

A naked person of the gender you find most attractive runs into the room, right now. He/she runs around the room, shaking their booty at all of us assembled, and then they run out of the room (you have to imagine my graphic representation of this, but fully clothed!), slamming the door shut.

We all sit there in stunned silence, until someone laughs, then someone tuts, and quietly someone cries. We have all experienced the same event at the same time in the same place, yet for however many of us are sat in that room there will be an equal number of reactions and FEELINGS to the event.

Because of who we are and the experiences we have had in life to date, we all feel differently about what has happened.

Criticism

So next time you have to assert yourself with someone or give feed back to someone, remember the story. ‘They’ don’t make you feel anything. Something they DO causes YOU to have your own feelings about it. So own that fact. ‘When you do so and so, I FEEL….’ Not ‘YOU make me feel angry’.

If you’re specific about the actual behaviour you don’t rubbish the person as a whole; you then stand a good chance of getting the outcome you want and preserving the relationship. No one can argue with what you feel! And no one can MAKE you feel anything!

What Stops You Being Assertive?

I often work with groups of people who want to be more assertive. But I rarely deliver a straightforward assertiveness training course; my starting point is finding out why people think they can’t be assertive.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is not, as was so often taught in the 80s, an “I win, you lose” scenario. It’s about being able to say what you want to with honesty and directness, having self respect while still being respectful of the other person. You can agree to disagree without having to diminish the other person - that’s bullying.

These are some of the questions I ask:

• When do you feel most able to express yourself with honesty?
• What thoughts go through your head when you imagine saying what you want to someone? What are your feelings? Anger? Fear?
• Is there an old message going round in your head that holds you back, i.e ‘people in authority should not be challenged’ or ‘keep your head down, it only causes trouble’
• What do you think would happen if you did say what you wanted to?
• What might happen if you were able to speak honestly and respectfully? What would be different?

I generally find that most of us have areas of our lives where we find it more difficult to speak up honestly for ourselves. Similarly most of us have areas where we have no trouble at all. One person who is feisty and direct with her parents may find herself turning to jelly when the boss makes an unreasonable demand. Likewise, someone who is able to be clear about her wishes at work, is seen as confident and assured, may find herself jumping to her teenage children’s every whim because she can’t stand the fall out of an argument.

If you sometimes find yourself behaving less than assertively, try answering the questions above. When do you find it most difficult to behave assertively?

How Inspirational Are You?

If you’ve looked at my Inspirational Women section, or receive my regular newsletter, you will see that I have a series of interviews with women all chosen to inspire YOU! I know from the many emails you send me that they do inspire you, and that you love the series. Thank you!

So I thought it might be fun if I asked you some of the questions. Please choose one or two to answer and share with other readers via the comments section of  the blog. Don’t compare, never compare. You are unique. Something you have to say might just be the magic push someone else needs to make a significant change in their life!

Here are some typical interview questions that I ask of my Inspirational Women. Answer them honestly about yourself, no hiding of lights!

Your Questions

1) What was your very first paid job, and do you use any skills you acquired then in your present role?

2) Which person had had the biggest influence in your life so far?

3) What is the best piece of advice you have been given?

4) What is the best piece of advice you have ever given and to whom?

5) Have you ever encountered sexism in your working or personal life and if so, how did you deal with it?

6) How do you relax?

7) Did you plan your career/life or have events just happened?

8) What has been your best mistake and why?

9) What is the best thing for you when you’re feeling stressed?

10) What is your favourite saying, or piece of poetry, or book?

11) What has been your biggest achievement to date, the thing in your life that you are most proud of?

12) If you could change one thing in your life right now, what would it be?

Even if you don’t want to share any of your answers, do have a go at the questions. And forward this link to anyone you think would enjoy answering them too. I think you’ll end up inspiring yourself! In my experience, most women are very good at underselling themselves and it takes an exercise like this that makes you realise just how WONDERFUL YOU ARE!

Could Mondays Change Your Life?

Here’s a quick exercise to help you make this week really count!

It’s Monday, most people are back from holiday, schools are back, the traffic is flowing fast and furiously again and soon the shops will be full of seasonal delights! Time passes pretty fast, doesn’t it?

So make this week count. Don’t let it pass you by in a haze of things you always do. Don’t live the next seven days without thought. Take about 30 minutes out of your schedule now to think about something you can do each day of this coming week which will either enhance the quality of your life, or the life of someone else. They don’t need to be big things, nothing dramatic, but they do need to be things you have given some thought to.

Actions Speak louder Than Thoughts!

For example, you may decide to send a delightful card to cheer someone who is unwell? Or you may decide to find out just what is your position re a sabbatical from work? Or you may buy a bunch of flowers for someone who helped you last week? Sign up for a class which will give you an edge in your field? Work out how much you really need to live on? Plan in some time to discuss your future with your partner? Actually read that self help book? Give it a little thought and jot the seven actions down – writing helps reinforce intention.

And in amongst the seven, there may be one small thing you do which may set you off on a brand new, exciting path. Maybe, just maybe, this week will be a significant date for you when you didn’t just do what you’ve always done….and changed your life!

Do share any thoughts with us!

The Harassed Manager’s Guide to Change

This is an extract from a small book I wrote for participants when running change workshops for managers. I hope you find it useful. It’s a short, light hearted and practical look at managing staff through change, with practical, down to earth exercises that work – and no jargon!

The book is dedicated to all of those front line managers and small business owners faced with an organisational or business change to implement. Whether it’s of your making or not you will have to take the flak, even when you’re feeling as fed up as everyone else. Read this when you are expected to know all the answers, when you must look in control, even when you’re screaming inside; this is your book!

CHAPTER ONE

‘Cometh the hour cometh the man’…or woman… or anyone, please?

OK, so the powers that be have just told you about their latest initiative and how wonderful the world will be once their new plan/reorganisation/merger/ acquisition is put into place. You front line managers, they tell you, have nothing to worry about because a team of consultants are coming in to manage the change and you will get all the information you need as and when. Just go back and let your team know that change is afoot, oh and by the way, don’t let productivity fall off and keep everyone happy, absence levels down and all the staff on board with the new plan!

Or maybe you are the owner of a small business and have just announced some significant changes to your business like relocation, or a new customer care system. At this stage you may know where you want to get to but not be entirely sure of the route. And your employees are looking at you for answers…

Of course, this being the real world your team or employees probably already knows that something is afoot and will have been discussing it amongst themselves for ages. Already the rumour mill will have been grinding on.

It is really important that you set the right tone right from the beginning even if you may think there is nothing you can usefully say at the moment. But can you just say you don’t know yet?

No Creative Speechifying

Well, yes you can actually. If you start with the ‘creative speechifying’ now you will only tie yourself up in knots later on when it becomes obvious that you don’t know. It is really important at this early stage to establish your credibility so I suggest the following:

Actions
1) Get everyone together as soon as you can. Whenever it is at all possible do difficult communication face to face, or rather your face to their faces. E mail is cowardly and open to misinterpretation, doctoring, and can be sent across the world in the blink of an eye. Don’t do it.

2) It is important now to establish the tone for all future discussions so be as honest as you are can. Tell them that you will meet with them regularly to update them and take questions (because you will, won’t you) and as far as you are able you will tell them everything you can. Tell them that you will invite questions both now and after they have had time to absorb the information.

3) If they are very quiet at this stage don’t be misled. They are probably in shock and have not yet fully absorbed what they have been told. When you leave the room you will probably hear a lot of discussion immediately strike up behind you but don’t take it personally. Never take it personally. You are the immediate face of management and their representative on earth so you will get some flak, but don’t take it personally. This will require some practice….

4) While you still have some energy set up your own support network. You will need it, preferably with some managers or business owners in the same position. Make spaces in your diary now and commit to getting together regularly to share information, coping strategies and handkerchiefs. Go to that next business/management networking event and find someone with experience of this. Or use formal support like a coach.

5) Look up the details of any staff counselling/welfare service or anything offered locally. Even if you don’t need it someone will soon. You might even give them a call to check that someone has remembered to warn them of the likely increase in calls to their service. Maybe even arrange a date to get them in to tell your team what they can offer? If you run a small business try your local support group or Business Link to see if they can offer anything.

6). Go home. You’ve had a tiring day.

Are You a Blue Thinker? Or Green…Or Red?

If you find yourself in a group faced with a task of creating something new this might help!

Blue, Red, & Green Thinking

I am grateful for this idea to Nigel May Barlow, author of Re-Think-How to Think Differently.

He talks about three stages of creative thinking:

Blue - Blue is for IDEAS- with the sky being the limit! Blue type questions are Well, why not? and What if we…?

Red - Red is for STOP, like traffic lights. It’s the selection, evaluation, fine tuning and prioritising stage, choosing your best ideas.

Green – Green is for GO, deciding who is going to do what, by when, planning in the milestones.

In any group of people you are likely to find a scattering of all these types. Some will be more comfortable with a particular colour than others. if you get too many in one category you may miss out some of the valuable stages.

For example, a room of Blues may generate some fabulous ideas but never actually get around to putting them into action! Whereas Reds will never allow enough discussion of ideas as they push to get something agreed. And the Greens will be busy planning who is doing what before Blues have finished being creative!

What colour are you? How does it show itself in you?