Is Your Past Haunting You?

Does your past dominate your life? Are you stuck reliving past mistakes? For example, do you sometimes feel you can’t move on because of your difficult upbringing? Or that if only you’d had more support when young your life now would be easier?

Are you allowing your past to hold you back, using it as a shield to play safe?

It’s Never Too Late!

I firmly believe it’s never too late to try and create the life you want. Just start now – whatever the circumstances of your past.  People have survived horrendous life events (Read about this amazing holocaust survivor here) and in spite of that, (or maybe because of that), gone onto do amazing things with their lives!

Always aim high. If you give yourself low expectations you’ll probably not be disappointed. But set yourself high and worthwhile aims and you may discover more about yourself than you ever imagined possible!

If you find your past coming back to haunt you, if you hear that nagging voice in your head telling you you can’t do it, take a look at this longer article. Try out the exercise contained within it,  and aim to put the past where it belongs- behind you! Eyes front and upwards!

If you’d like some support with creating your new life there are masses of articles on this site, and you can also sign up for a regular injection of enthusiasm via my newsletter! Or check out my coaching here.

Put Your Past Where It Belongs – Behind You!

We all have a past, a personal history. And we all have views about how good, bad, helpful or indifferent our past is.

Our past, our life history, is important. It has brought us where we are today.

But there are times when the view we hold of our past can hold us back from fully experiencing the present, from developing into the people we can be, from living life to the full and pro-actively shaping our future.

We cannot change our past. The good news, however, is that we can change the view we hold of our past.

I am not pretending this is an easy thing to do. If you have had a particularly difficult time it would be trite of me to say “try this exercise and magically all will be well”. Clearly that is nonsense.

Manage Your Past

What I know is, with care, attention, and support you can take some control of the impact your past has on you. People are extraordinarily resilient. You are extraordinarily resilient! If you need to, you can overcome your past!

In my career I have worked with both criminals and victims of crime, helping them both to overcome the difficulties of their past experiences to move forward in a positive way.

Similarly I’ve worked with women in abusive situations helping them find a way out and break the cycle. I’ve worked with children who found themselves part of the care system and carried enormous feelings of guilt with them. Understanding their past history was fundamental to helping them move on. Knowing their negative internalised messages and neutralising them really put them on the road to living a full and happy life.

The River of Your Life

There are lots of ways of looking at your past but what follows is an exercise that has worked well with my clients. Give yourself plenty of time and, depending on your unique circumstances,  choose a time when you feel strong enough to look at your past.

Take a large sheet of paper and some coloured crayons; the coloured crayons will stimulate your creativity and help your thinking.

If you can, in your mind’s eye, try and imagine your life as a meandering river. You know where it started but you don’t know where it will end. At times it has flowed over stony ground and been split into different directions, sometimes drought has almost stopped its flow, and other times it has been full and strong, overcoming all obstacles in its path. Allow your creativity free rein. If you want to put in little islands or hummocks or a jetty along the way, do. This is simply an aid to help you think.

As you draw your river, imagine that each bend and change in flow represents a significant event in your life. An early memory may be a new sibling, for example, or starting school, a move to a new neighbourhood. It’s a natural human tendency to focus on negative events – resist this! Try to include ALL the significant events of your life.

Spend some time on this so you get some good material to work with. Don’t try to rush ahead to the analysis stage. Take your time and allow your thoughts to wander a little if they need to. If you feel yourself getting upset simply notice the emotion. Don’t try and stop the feelings surfacing; they are an important part of this exercise. Instead, note them in some way.

Some bends in your river may bring a smile to your face. Make a note of that too!

Reflect

Keep on adding bends/chicanes/waterfalls/incised meanders/islands/jettys/moorings and drawing out your river until you have reached a point where you want to stop. Now look at what you have produced and ask yourself these questions:

• How have those bends and turns influenced me in my adult life?
• What practical effect have they had on my life to date?
• What emotional effect have they had?
• What is your view of those events? Good, bad, indifferent?
• If that view is negative, can you come up with an  alternative positive interpretation?
• What coping strategies have you used that have worked for you?
• What strengths have you gained from your life experiences?
• How do you want the rest of your river to flow?

Usually the impact of this exercise rolls out over a period of time. You will remember new bits to add to your river, have new thoughts, relive good and bad times. The purpose of this exercise is to take control of your past, to make it work for you, not against. It’s not about rubbishing or minimising what has happened in your life. It may be more about honouring it, giving it a place (but not too big a place). This applies to whatever your view of your past is

Live in the Present

Living in the past is no place to be. If your past is pulling you back, resolve to deal with it now. Get professional help if you need it, take space if you need it. Resolve to live in the now. And remember:

“We are not touched so much by life’s events themselves, but by the view we CHOOSE to take of them”
Epictetus.

You can always have control, don’t be a victim of your past!

Talking to Cats is Good for You!

If you follow me on Twitter you’ll know I am a mad cat lady in training. Which is why my daughter gave me a book on cat behaviour. I can’t say I have actually trained my cats but it has helped me to understand some of their more seemingly eccentric behaviours!

And it struck me that the same is true of people. If you watch and observe in a non judgemental way you can learn so much more about the people with whom you work. And then you can tailor your responses appropriately.

So if a colleague is giving you grief, think cat! Observe what presses their buttons, for good or ill. Try and be objective, try to get inside their psyche and work out what motivates them, what irks them, what they are good at and what needs work! Notice when they are purring or when their tail is wagging, so to speak (for non cat lovers, cats wag their tails when annoyed!)

It might not make them as appealing as a kitten, but it might just help you communicate with them better!

How do you manage your less than helpful colleagues? Do share any tips and advice.

PS In response to requests, the book is called The Cat Whisperer by Claire Bessant

How Not To Be Ordinary!

There are a few studies around that show that actually doing things for other people may boost your own willpower and stamina!

Research carried out by Kurt Gray, Harvard PH.D. student, seems to suggest that people who are doing something they consider to be morally good for others, receive in return a boost to their efficacy, and also feel stronger and suffer less discomfort. He believes that attempting heroic acts gives you more of what is needed to perform heroic acts!

He describes the effect as “moral transformation” on the basis that good deeds are able to transform someone from ordinary to exceptional.

The findings came from the results of two studies. In study number one, volunteers were given a $1 note with the instruction to either donate it or keep it.

Then they were requested to hold a 5lb weight up for as long as possible. The ones who gave their note to charity held the weight up for 10 seconds longer on average.

The second study involved volunteers writing one of three story choices. The choices were: one where they as a character harmed others, one where they did good, and one where they did neither. They also had to hold a weight up at the same time. Those who wrote about helping others were able to hold the weight for longer.

So now you know how super girl got her powers! Go on, be heroic today! Do something wonderful for someone!

Can You Stop Feeling Guilty?

‘Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man’ – Erica Jong

Well, I might take issue with the idea implicit in this that men don’t feel guilt; I know they do. But my experience suggests that we women may hold the record for feeling lots of it in almost every area of our lives! Women are very good at feeling guilty!

I’m not talking about profound and deep seated issues here, which require psychiatric intervention and truly blight lives. That is a complex and much more difficult situation to manage.

I’m talking about the many pangs of guilt we feel, sometimes fleetingly, sometimes continually, every day.

For example, do you feel guilty if:

• You don’t take that phone call from a friend you know will drain you emotionally?
• You skip breakfast and then eat a bagel with cream cheese and a bag of crisps and no fruit?
• You love your work but think you should spend more time with your family?
• You were too tired to listen properly to your partner?
• You hate housework?
• The idea of being a domestic goddess makes you ill but…?
• You don’t weigh in at the ideal weight for your height (not tall enough probably, that’s my excuse)?
• You feel guilty because you keep feeling guilty about things…?

Try ‘The Get Rid of Guilt’ Exercise!

Every time you feel the guilt pang, make a note. How many times in a day do you feel guilty?

Look at your list and try to honestly answer these questions:

Is that guilt yours? By which I mean, have you contravened your moral code, done something you feel ashamed of? Or, as in some of the examples above, have you not lived up to someone else’s’ ideal of what womanhood should be?

And finally, is it an indicator for you of a problem you need to tackle in your life?

I have another favourite quote to share-

‘It’s always better to feel guilty for something you’ve actually done, rather than something you’ve left undone!’

Why Do You Work?

Here’s a quick question for you to ponder:

Why do you work?

The obvious answer is money but dig a bit deeper than that. What does work give you?

Your list may include:

• friendship
• training
• personal development
• status
• getting out of house
• connection with wider world
• opportunity to network
• opportunity to take a few risks
• opportunity to stay in comfort zone
• ability to contribute, to make a difference
• being part of a team
• keeping you up to date in your field

Of your own list, what is the most important to you?