Create Your Retreat, Just for You.

Your environment can influence how you feel so it makes sense to try and create one that works for you, not against you. I have written about using colour positively in the office and it’s as important, if not more so, at home in your private place.

Your little oasis of calm might be just a wee corner of your bedroom but try and fill it with things that raise your spirits. It doesn’t matter if others don’t like it, it’s what you find beautiful and relaxing.

Here’s a short guide to some of the theory associated with colour and mood:

• White is associated with purity, can be calming, and enhances available light
• Blue is called a calming colour, which helps you settle
• Yellow is invigorating and warming. It reminds you of the sun
• Green is soothing and harmonising
• Purple is energising and inspirational
• Orange can be welcoming and create a sense of warmth
• Red is hot and powerful, stimulates appetites
• Pink creates a softer effect and is playful

Take a look around your home. You may have chosen colours according to prevailing fashion but that may not have created the mood you want.

Remember also that although you can’t always block out noise, soft furnishings will muffle it and absorb more sound better than sharp, firm surfaces. Thick lined curtains will mute noise more than sharp blinds, for example, carpets better than wooden floors. And lack of fresh air can make you feel lethargic so throwing open the windows for a while can be really energising! Plants also help with oxygen levels.

Do you prefer solitude or company, quiet or music? What is your ideal prefect retreat space?

Colour Your Workplace & Be More Positive!

I have always wondered why so many office spaces tend to major on grey for their equipment?

And why people who like colour and objects of fun in their work space are often regarded as lightweight and frivolous? And if, because these tend to be women, the dismissal is because of that, as men originally called the shots on workplace design and still do. The world of work, in the main, has been designed primarily by men, on all levels. And we women may thrive better in a different environment.

Right Brain/Left Brain

We know that an injection of colour into our lives can aid our creativity and problem solving capacities  Just by doing a so called ‘left brain’* activity with coloured pencils, i.e. making a list of tasks, we are making better use of our problem solving capacity (think mind-mapping). And what business doesn’t want to get the best out of their staff? To give them the best environment to shine? To make best use of all their talents?

Your Space

When I became self employed and had the opportunity to design my own space I tried to put into practice everything I know about giving myself the best chance to develop to the full and to enjoy my environment. I wanted to get as far away from the sterile office atmosphere as I could. I think I’ve succeeded.

I have beautiful, locally designed silk curtains, which fill me with joy each time I look at them. I have a limited edition print by Beryl Cook on my wall, the first one released after she died, which inspires me because Beryl came to be the most famous artist in Britain after she was 60!

I also have a gorgeous desk lamp which works very well but is not merely utilitarian in design, and I have throws on my sofa which are a delight to touch, (my cats love them so I have company a lot of the time too) and I often light scented candles and play music to stimulate all my senses. In short, my workplace is designed to give me optimum creativity.

If you could have a free hand in redesigning your work space, what would YOU do? Do share your thoughts!

*The reality is, of course, that we can’t just use half our brain. Both sides work together all the time.

Women, Start Your Own Business? Why not!

There has been something of  a theme emerging lately with many of my coaching clients, and discussions with course participants over the last few months. Many of them want to change the way they work, to be more in control of how and when they are working, and many of them are looking for alternative sources of income as they fear redundancy is a possibility.They want to run their own business.

A little questioning reveals that a lack of confidence is hampering their efforts to explore this option and take the first step.

Fear of Failure

They are not unusual. Studies have shown that  a third of the female population would start a business if it wasn’t for fear of failure. And that 21% of women start their own business so they can control the hours they work, compared with just 2% of  men.

Predictions about job losses during the economic downturn are suggesting that women will suffer disproportionately more than their male counterparts. So it shouldn’t be surprising to see an increase in small start ups coming from women.

Are You a Potential Businesswoman?

Running your own business is not for everyone. However, even if you are making a few extra pounds from selling cup cakes for weddings you are running your own business! Here are a few questions to consider which will help you think about your personality and whether running your own business could suit you:

• What is your attitude towards risk?
• Can you work alone?
• Do you have an idea that really fills you with excitement? If you’re not enthusiastic who else will be?
• How much money do you need to earn during your start up phase? Have you at least 3 months worth of income salted away?
• How good are you at asking for advice?
• How good are you at taking advice?
• How do you cope with uncertainty?
• How much in control do you need to be?
• How much time can you put into a new venture? Starting a new business successfully invariably means putting in lost of extra time, even if you are only officially working on a part time basis. It’ll be in your head all the time, especially in the early stages.
• How much support do you need? I don’t necessarily mean professionally (although of course that is important) but how much support do YOU need from friends, family etc. Can you continue to be enthusiastic in the teeth of scepticism from others? Others around you may not understand your desire for change and may, albeit subconsciously, try to deter you and point out the pitfalls. Are you strong enough?
• Who will be your main supporter?
• How do you deal with setbacks? In your experience to date, when things have gone wrong, how have you reacted?
• What’s your attitude towards making mistakes?
• Are you a doer or a reflector?
• If you think about NOT doing this, how do you feel?

If you’re not sure of your answers to these questions, (and even if you are), try asking those who know you well what they think. I’m not suggesting that you ask them about business advice, I’ve always taken that from professionals. Instead, ask them to tell you how they think you answered the questions, and then ask them to tell you what they really think. And just listen. Don’t let negative responses put you off, but do take it into account when making your decision!

Week Two – Lose Weight Without Trying

End of week two on the No Diet (do something different) Diet regime. (Click here to read why I began this small experiment)

It’s been a funny week; I have had visitors so lots of cooking and entertaining but I have tried to follow the spirit of the instructions for this week: basically to try to consciously change facets of your personality in relation to assertiveness, energy levels, group behaviour and so on. The changes are not meant to be permanent; it’s just to see if you can break behavioural habits – the essence of the programme.

Difficult Week

I found this week much more difficult, partly because the instructions (although clear in themselves) were much less obvious and for someone like myself with no set work patterns or routines, quite difficult to put into practice.

For example, there is a direction about group behaviour. Usually when in a group I am in charge and leading it with lots of high energy. But this week I have not been involved in any groups so took the opportunity to try out what the book suggested on another day when I was with a few others. I feel maybe I had to make too many compromises.

I also think second days (or weeks as in this case) can be quite flat to begin with. When I am working with groups over a few months on personal development, as I do in some organisations, the second meeting or seminar tends to begin with low energy from the participants. I think it’s something to do with the excitement and novelty of the first day having receded. People start day one with some feelings of nervousness and trepidation, relax, begin to understand what the course is all about, make friends etc and leave on a high. On day two that initial excitement has gone and the realisation of what is needed to effect change has hit, and people seem to experience a temporary dip. I usually have to work harder on the mornings of day two!

Second Week Blues?

And so it was with this. Week one was quite exciting and energising and fun. Now I’m in week two I often forgot to look first thing to see what I was meant to be doing! However, I did do it! With some interesting results in terms of reactions from colleagues, family & friends..

But I can’t tell you if I lost any weight as my scales have a flat battery, which will be remedied before next week! I promise! I don’t feel any different at all but the book suggests that a loss of a further pound or two would be reasonable. We’ll have to wait until next Monday to find out!

Karen J. Pine – Inspirational Woman!

Karen Pine is a professor of Psychology at the University of Hertfordshire where she teaches Developmental Psychology to Psychology undergraduates, Masters students and DClinPsy trainees. And she also writes very accessible books for the rest of us, two of which have featured in the pages of this site, Sheconomics and The No Diet (do something different) Diet Book. A lot of her work is of particular interest to women so I’m very pleased to bring you this interview with her. Read and enjoy!

Jane: Karen, you are now a successful and high profile psychologist, but what did the young Karen want to be? What was your dream job?
Karen: I didn’t have a clear plan as a youngster! I had a place to go to Uni and at 18 I took a ‘gap’ year that turned into a gap-fifteen-years! I worked in advertising and PR and loved having the chance to communicate ideas. Even all these years later I love the chance to talk or write about my psychology research.

Did you have a traditional academic career? Was academia always your goal?
An academic career wasn’t even on my radar. But when I stopped work in my early thirties and had kids I became fascinated by human behaviour and development. That’s when I decided it was time to go to Uni and study Psychology. Psychology wasn’t even an A level option when I was at school so if I’d gone to Uni straight from school I’d have studied English. I think we know ourselves better when we’re older and I feel it was the right time for me to go. Maybe I was a late developer!

Most of us think somewhere we have a book lurking within but you’ve actually published three and have another due out in 2011. How did that very first book deal come about?
My husband, Ben, (he’s also a psychology professor) and I had been doing some research into people’s behavioural flexibility. We found (by accident almost!) a link between a person’s behavioural flexibility and their BMI (Body Mass Index). So we figured if we could make people with a high BMI more flexible [and less habitual] they might lose weight.

We did some trials and it worked. Everyone lost weight. And we didn’t even have to mention food; it was all about breaking people free from the lifestyle habits that led to them over-eating. When we presented the findings at a British Psychological Society conference there was a lot of media interest and the book deal followed soon after. The No Diet Diet is now published in 23 languages worldwide.

Part of your research field is around communication with infants. What has been one of the most significant things you have discovered about communication with babies?
I’m fascinated by what we communicate non-verbally and have been researching children’s gestures for around ten years. A few years ago one of my lovely students, Liz Kirk, started to look at the effects of BabySign for her PhD. BabySign companies say they have ‘scientific evidence’ that gesturing to infants improves their language development and has other rather amazing benefits. Yet we couldn’t find much scientific evidence to support their claims and what there was was, frankly, a bit dodgy!! So Liz ran the first longitudinal random controlled trial into the effects of babysign on language development.

After years of painstaking research (by Liz) we found the infants who had babysign were no more advanced than the ones who didn’t! In another study we found the mums who went to babysign classes were even more stressed than those who went to other mother and baby classes. So none of the companies’ claims had any credibility!
I feel strongly about this research, not just because it’s scientifically robust but because there are loads of commercial businesses who try to persuade mums to ‘hot-house’ their babies. These prey on anxious mums who want to do the best for their babies and feel inadequate if they’re not taking them to classes from a week old, giving them violin lessons and speaking to them in at least 3 languages! I want mums to feel confident that what they do naturally, i.e. talk to, care for and love their babies, it’s all a baby really needs. Then they can relax and tune out all the other stuff!

Having said that we have found gesturing helps infants who are at risk of language delay and Liz is now doing some great work helping disadvantaged, low-income, poorly educated mums to communicate with their babies. This mainly means switching off the telly and speaking to them from an early age, using songs, rhymes and actions – and lots of hugs and smiles of course!

When we have careers that are also our hobbies and passion it can be difficult to switch off. How do you maintain a good work/home balance, particularly in view of the fact that you have co authored books with your partner?
Ben and I do work together but that’s wonderful, we share our minds, our ideas and are each other’s stimulation and inspiration. We don’t have a TV so we have lots of time to nurture our relationship, our minds and our interests. We love quirky art and have a mad home! We live in a beautiful part of the country, on a private estate, surrounded by fields and woodland and a gorgeous garden. We enjoy films and do Tai Chi, Ben is a keen runner and I also trot out there now and again. We prioritise good living, and that includes cooking fantastic food, enjoying wine, culture, reading and listening to a wide range of music. We also love going to talks, lectures and art events in London.

But we do spend a lot of time working and talking and developing our ideas. Our Do Something Different technique is now taking us into all sorts of businesses, countries and communities and it’s really exciting, intellectually, to go on this journey together and see the impact our work is having on others.

Have you ever experienced discrimination because of your gender? Is it less of an issue in the academic world? Do you think this is still an issue for women today?
When I worked in advertising my boss left – he was a manager – and at just 22 I was given his job. But I was given the title of ‘supervisor’ instead of ‘manager’! I was a bit irked at the time but I accepted it. Now I’d kick up a stink. The academic world is a tough one but there’s less discrimination if you’re prepared to work hard and to stand your ground if faced with discriminatory attitudes.

Who are you role models? Who has most inspired you, academically/professionally, and personally?
I am inspired by people who are individualists and who shun mediocrity, Vivien Westwood is a great example! I find ordinariness intolerable and really admire strong, independent, even eccentric people (women especially) who aren’t afraid to stand out and don’t give a toss what people think.

My main inspiration though is Ben, We’ve been together for nearly 7 years and in that time I’ve learned such a lot about myself. He is an amazing thinker and an incredible person, I’ve never known anyone so psychologically sound – and he has a great brain and a wonderful sense of style! He has inspired me to grow as a person and, whereas I’ve always been the major player in past relationships, he continually ‘adds’ to me and makes sure I realise my potential. Most of my significant achievements have been since I met him. That’s not to downplay my own capabilities, of course, but it’s great to have someone who really makes sure you continue to stretch yourself, otherwise we can become a bit dormant! He doesn’t believe in ageing either, which I find a great bonus now!

Mistakes are part of life and learning. What has been the best mistake you ever made?
Probably not going to University at 18. It wasn’t the right time for me then and I’m glad I went later. We can go to Uni at any age and some of the mature students I’ve taught have been the keenest students who get the best results!

What has been the most useful piece of advice or help, you have ever been given?
Wow, there’s so much! I learned quite late in life that being a ‘people pleaser’ doesn’t pay. I think women, especially, are conditioned to please others and I wish I’d cultivated a more selfish streak early on. I also read a few years ago ‘Half the people you meet won’t like you anyway so stop trying to please them’ and am now much less concerned about what people think of me than I was when I was younger. Also as a psychologist I now know that worrying about what people think of us is futile – most of the time they’re not thinking of us at all! Other people are probably more preoccupied with what we think of them! This insight has given me huge confidence and I can happily go and do public speaking in front of an audience of hundreds of people and quietly tell myself they’re lucky to have me!

Also, my Dad was a fantastic ‘do-er’ and a great motivator and that means I’m really efficient and can crack on and get things done. I don’t have much time for people who procrastinate. My philosophy is ‘You don’t have to get it right, you just have to get it going’ – so give me a job to do and I’m right on it!

Since knowing Ben I’ve also come to appreciate the importance of self-responsibility. He embodies it and it’s a fantastic life-skill to know that you can effect the changes you want, that we are not victims but are architects of our own lives and our destiny. Too many people believe luck, religion, fate or even bonkers horoscopes will guide them, whereas the only thing determining your future is you. One of mine and Ben’s favourite sayings is ‘If you want to predict the future, invent it’. We actually write all our key sayings on our dining room ceiling! Together they look like a work of art and are a constant reminder of how life should be lived.

Women tend to undervalue themselves, i.e. in not asking for higher salaries, only applying for promotion once they know current job inside out, underselling their achievements at interview and so on. As a psychologist, what advice would you give someone who has an issue with blowing their own trumpet?
This is fascinating isn’t it? Men just think they have to ask for a rise, women think they have to earn it and work hard until somebody notices them. I would say, even if you don’t feel confident on the inside, act confident on the outside and people will believe in you.

As the festive season approaches in the western world and we women go into overdrive, (most of us) what’s your top tip for relaxing and keeping a sense of perspective?
Don’t say Yes to anything that you don’t want to do. And don’t say No to anyone who offers a helping hand!

If you could invent/change/ one thing to improve the quality of your life, what would it be?
OK, this is going to sound dead smug but I am convinced that living the ‘Do Something Different’ philosophy that we advocate means that the quality of my life is always going to be optimal. After all, I’m the one who’s responsible for it, aren’t I?

Karen, thank you so much! It’s been great talking with you – you certainly live by your philosophy and I know your words will inspire others to do something different!

How to Cure a Mid Life Crisis!

Like most mothers, when my children finally left home I had a moment. Well, if I’m honest, quite a few moments really. When my daughter left home to move 460 miles away I felt like a bereavement was imminent. I remember our postman of 20 plus years coming to the door with a parcel and asking what was wrong ( I had a wee torn face on) and telling him that our oldest child was moving out that day.

“Oh no“, he said,” I remember her first day at school, I’ll miss her“.

That was it, the dam burst. Cue floods of tears all over poor postie who swiftly backed away down the path, making soothing noises! I wasn’t much better when we left our son at Leeds University. I was fine just until the moment of parting when I announced that now I was going to cry, and promptly did. Job done, what now?

Change Happens

But it doesn’t have to be children leaving that prompts an attack of middle aged angst. Changes at work, relationships altering, the ageing process, can all make us stop and think, well, is this it?

Change happens all the time but there are times when it affects us more than others, when we need to take stock and do a mini audit. There is a myth abroad that the older we get the more difficult we find change. In my experience this is not true. Anyone over 40 today has experienced and survived enormous changes in their lifetime (see this article for more on change).

But if you let yourself be a victim of events you’ll have no control at all; your life will ‘happen’ without you conducting it. A significant life change is a good time to sit down and take stock.

Stock Taking

Try answering these life stock taking questions:

Look at your life in these areas – family, work & career, social life, health and sense of well being. As you mentally filtered those areas through your mind which bit caused you a stirring. At which point did you think I’m not staying with that thought?  My guess is that’s the one you need to pay attention to, however uncomfortable it feels.

If, for example, you are unhappy in your relationship, you may have become adept at hiding it, even from yourself. Fear of what you might discover if you really looked at it may be holding you back and keeping you trapped in an unhappy place. That fear is making an assumption that what will follow will be worse that is, but that’s down to you. Working on your relationship may improve it and all of your life!

Work

Or maybe you are stuck in a job that pays all the bills but sucks the life out of you? How long are you going to stay with the daily dehydration? What impact is that having on your life and well being? Can you see yourself NOT doing this job? How different would your life be? Sometimes redundancy has been the best thing to happen to folk as it has forced them to think again about the work they do. How many of the bills that the job pays are important in the long term?

Small Steps

Conducting an exercise such as this may fill you with awe at the amount you want to change in your life. (Or you may just have realised that all is much better than you thought – well done).

If the former, break down what you want to do in smaller goals, the achievement of which will take you closer to where you want to be! Don’t give up on your dreams, never do that, but dreams are realised with a first small step. What small step can you take today?