Reduce Stress – Be Polite!

At the risk of sounding like an old grouch, do you think rudeness is on the increase? By which I mean lack of the social niceties like saying thank you, allowing people to pass, holding the door open for the person following behind, smiling not snarling, offering a coffee to a colleague and so on.

Workplace Incivility

What are the politeness levels like where you work? A certain level of cut and thrust is inevitable from time to time, but workplaces where rudeness has become the norm can be very stressful places to be. You’ll find yourself adopting similar ways of behaving almost by osmosis. An aura of low level hostility is ever present. It benefits no one. And you will take that low level hostility and rudeness home with you in the guise of headaches, aches and lethargy.

Take Action

The good news is by becoming aware of it you can change your own responses and that may well change how people then react to you. You can start a civility movement!

Tips for your Civility Movement:

• Try to depersonalise the impolite comment or behaviour. Someone allowing a door to slam in your face may well have done that to anyone following them, it wasn’t actually aimed at you. So don’t take on board that bit of hostility but smile to yourself and leave it at the swinging door, (making sure you hold it open for the next person!)
• Being kind and civil to others might mean slowing you pace a little. If you are usually rushing somewhere your attention is focussed on the future, where you are heading, not where you actually are. You may be missing all sorts of opportunities to smile and interact with others. You may be being uncivil even without realising it. Try to notice your surroundings, to be more present, and make sure your default expression is a smile, or at the very least not  a grimace. Try and get a glimpse of ourself in any mirrors as you go about your business. Relax the jaw.
• Being civil means having an awareness of how other people might be affected by your actions. Bring your empathy skills into play and being polite and civil to others will be easy.
• Watch your language. I don’t just mean uttering oaths (although that too) but be aware of how you communicate with others. Sometimes it’s appropriate to ask, not simply tell or instruct. Replacing ‘You should do so and so‘ with ‘What do you think about  doing it this way..?‘ is so much more inclusive and civil.
• Banish sarcasm, however hysterical you think it is. Being sarcastic is actually quite aggressive behaviour and raises the stress levels of those who just don’t get it. Be clear and polite in your general communication.
• Acknowledge other people’s efforts; not by saying thank you so often that it becomes meaningless but by really noticing what they have done and making an appropriate comment.

Good manners cost nothing but can give huge benefits, for everyone! You can’t directly change the behaviour of those around you only your own. But that can be a huge and quietly powerful force for positive change. And back to my original question, do I think rudeness is on the increase? Only on days when I am feeling grumpy! When I’m happy and smiley somehow everyone else seems to be too! Thus proving my point….

What do you do when faced with uncivil behaviour?

Courses for Women?

I run courses for women. It’s my passion. I have courses for women looking to move up into senior roles, courses to give women more confidence to do whatever they want to do, and courses for women who want to plan ahead for their next 12 months.  I also devise other personal development type courses for organisations which work for both genders (for example, when companies are experiencing radical change).  However, my original love is working directly with women and helping them boost their confidence and achieve success, in whatever area they choose.

Why Women Only Courses?

I am sometimes challenged as to why I exclude men. Well, the answer is I don’t exclude men. The material for my courses has been designed and written by me with women’s issues in mind but men are most welcome too if they feel it will be useful. And often I do get a chap or two attending and it goes well. Not all men are bursting with confidence and aiming high, just as not all women are lacking in confidence and not going for promotion. But statistically we know that the upward path is strewn with more obstacles for females than it is for men. It’s overcoming those obstacles, increasing confidence both to change oneself and to challenge discriminatory practice, that I focus on.

My information is aimed at women. For example, I make reference to the fact that women tend to wait until they know their current job really well before applying for the next grade up. That isn’t something that generally applies to men who will take a punt on a higher grade role if they meet just some of the requirements.

Incidentally, I coach both men and women on a one to one basis I don’t find any difference at all. It’s in group situations that the different needs are obvious. And I am talking about different needs, and not suggesting that one is any better than the other. Men and women have different personal development issues. Women, generally speaking, when looking at personal development, want to talk about different issues to their male counterparts.

I am not advocating women only groups in every circumstance, far from it. The surest way to keep women out of the boardroom is to make all the issues round flexible working, more adaptable systems, etc purely women’s problems. These issues need to be part of a larger dialogue within organisations, not ghettoised as ‘women’s problems’.

Profits go Up When Women Are on the Board

Companies report a significant increase in profits and all employee satisfaction when obstacles to women’s advancement are removed in an organisation. Everyone needs to be involved in that. That said, companies often bring me in to run women only courses as part of initiatives to have their senior management teams gender equal and to improve their bottom line. If an organisation has not previously encouraged women, albeit often unwittingly, then women only courses can be a huge support in managing the change. As can personal development courses for men only!

Men & Women Learn Differently

Women and men respond in different ways to my type of seminars. They listen differently, and they want different things. For example, if I am working with a group of men, generally speaking, they want to know facts, and why something is true. I always marshal my sources and give them chapter and verse as to research, origins etc. They are less comfortable sharing more personal stuff with other men, especially in relation to work.

Women, on the other hand, (once they have assured themselves that I know what I am talking about), respond much more intuitively and don’t want too much detail. They are interested in the applications of the research, not necessarily the pure research. They enjoy talking with other women (see here for some research on why that may be) and are supportive and encouraging of each other.

Interestingly, my experience is that men like to discuss personal development with women in the group, while women prefer it to be with women. And sadly, women are often less vocal when men are in the groups as well. In short, men enjoy mixed groups and get a lot out of it, while women, while enjoying mixed personal development seminars, get more out of it when working with other women. And that’s why I run personal development courses specifically aimed at women!

If you’re interested in any of my courses, or would like to book one for your organisation, do give me a call, on 01761 438749.

Are YOU a Highly Sensitive Person?

Some people are much more sensitive than others – are you one of them? Are you an HSP?

When we feel vulnerable, lacking in confidence we all have a tendency to magnify our reactions and the reactions of others. If we’re feeling we’re not good enough at work, or we’re not attractive, for example, a chance remark from someone that seems to confirms those fears will have a huge impact on us.

Heightened Sensitivities

But there are some people for whom feeling a sense of heightened sensitivity is not an occasional occurrence. It colours their whole lives, which can severely limit their opportunities to live life to the full.

The American Psychologist, Dr Elaine Aron, has identified a distinct personality type called the HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON, (HSP). She has estimated that probably between 15 to 20% of the population fall into this category.

If you are an HSP you will process information and experiences more deeply; you’ll be more aware of the subtelties in life and in your surroundings. You might even find yourself getting overwhelmed if too much sensory information is around you.

Being HSP doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be introverted and it isn’t any more common in one gender than another. Dr Aron says it’s an all or nothing trait with a psychological basis- you either are or you’re not.

She has a test on her site which you can find here

If you score highly, all is not lost and this is a quality you can learn to value for the insight it brings. Just take a bit of time to reflect and use your gift of great empathy wisely and enjoy it.

Stir Up Sunday!

In the UK today is ‘Stir Up Sunday’, when traditionally we all make our Christmas puddings; everyone in the family has a stir of the mixture and makes a wish.

All the good things like eggs, butter, spices, flour and fruit are mixed together, steamed for three hours and then put aside to mature.

When the pudding is served on Christmas day, usually flaming with brandy, everyone oohs and ahhs and often everyone around the table has had a hand in the making of it, even if just with a stir!

Have Your Own Stir Up Sunday!

You may not be making your own pudding today, but you could be thinking about what you could do to cause a stir in a few months time…?
You could be making a wish and then assembling your own special ingredients to make it come true…?
You could spend a little time stirring up your own life so 2011 kicks off with a loud ooh and a ahh!

Do You Give Too Much?

If you’re feeling a bit drained and tired lately maybe you’ve let life get a bit out of balance? Perhaps you’re giving out a lot but not taking enough back in?

Women especially tend to be the caregivers in our society, looking after everyone else and sometimes forgetting to look after themselves in the process. As a big family occasion draws near in the Western world it could be a good time to take stock.

Your Giving Audit

Try this simple exercise adapted from one of my women’s courses, to see how your in/out balance is looking at the moment.

Take two coloured pens and a sheet of A4 paper. Draw two large circles, one in each colour to fill your page, which have an overlap in the middle (memory tells me we might be doing a Venn diagram here!)

In one circle write the names of all those you give support to, people you help, people you have some responsibility for, at work and at home. In the other do it in reverse, that is all those who support you and give you help, advice and care.

In the overlapping part of your circles put the names of those who fit both categories, i.e those you support and who support you in return. As you move the names into the overlap of your circles, cross off their names in the main part of your circles.

Now take a look at what is left.

Only you know if the balance is right. It’s not a straightforward equation in that we give merely to receive in return; there are lots of times in life when we give freely without expecting any return. But, if you are not getting enough support yourself, your pot of giving can become dry and you will find yourself getting tired, stressed, and burnt out. You need to look after yourself too.

And one final question to honestly ask of yourself:

Do I make it easy for others to give me help and support?

Women Are Wonderful!

Women are wonderful! That’s my official verdict on this week!

You might expect me to say that as I work primarily with women and run courses for women but this week I have been at two women’s conferences and been reminded afresh.

London Women

First, came the everywoman conference which I attend most years and always enjoy. I arrived tired and frankly, feeling a bit worn out (lots of work – hooray, and an overheated uncomfortable hotel room the night before – boo). But just a few moments in the company of so many positive women was truly energising and then I bumped into the lovely Sarah Pennels (aka Savvy Woman, her interview on the site is here.) Joy!

The first speaker at everywoman was Sam Roddick. It was wonderful to listen to a business woman speak from the heart about running her business her way and not getting caught up in the trap of trying to behave like a man. Her best quote (paraphrased as was too busy applauding to write it down):

“Why is it OK for men to get angry but when women show their frustration or emotion through tears it’s wrong. I’m upset, I cry. Deal with it or get therapy!”

There is a great interview with Sam here on ‘Lipstick Liberation’. I wanted to scoop her up and bottle her energy!

It was a great day; I took the opportunity to reflect on my own business and where I was directing my energies and I reckon I have saved myself 4 grand by taking that time out! That’s a result by anyone’s standards. Thanks everywoman! See you next year!

Bristol Women

And then the very next day found me in Bristol, at the wonderful Alveston House Hotel. (I know they have won awards but I’m giving them my loveliest staff in Britain award! I was so well looked after all day and their staff are just brilliant!)

But I wasn’t there to review the hotel (!) but to be a speaker at the first ever Business Inspired conference. No sitting back this time; I was opening the conference. Thank you, Business Inspired, for the honour!

I do quite a bit of public speaking so didn’t feel nervous until I heard the introduction I was getting from Janice and Alison. “Blimey”, I thought, “I’d better be good!”

Sometimes you just know when something is going to work and I knew as soon as I stood up and saw the sea of smiling encouraging faces that it was going to be OK.  I’m sometimes told that women together are bit*hy and unsupportive. That has never been my experience. In general I find groups of business women support and encourage each other with very little overt competitiveness and huge generosity. And I thank them for their generosity to me. I came away glowing and certainly got as much back from them as I gave them.

Time Out

Both conferences served their purpose well. They refreshed and re energised me, ready to re enter the ‘fray’ of running my own business with new ideas and thoughts. Times may be hard (and potentially getting harder) for small businesses, but there is support and help out there. Women’s friendships are very important to them. Give freely of your support, take support where it is offered and continue to be wonderful!

And if you were at either of the conferences, I’d love to hear what you gained from them. Please do add a comment!