Make A Wish!

Close your eyes for a moment and just imagine. There you are, in your mind’s eye, rubbing away at an old lamp you’ve found at a boot fair, when out pops a genie and offers you a wish!

Two rules – it can be anything except large sums of money, and it has to improve the quality of your life without taking away from anyone else.

What do you wish for?

Do you really need a genie to make it happen? If you applied your energy, commitment and time to achieving this, could it be possible?

What would YOU wish for?

Why Can’t Women Show Emotion at Work?

A few weeks ago I was pleased to be listening to Sam Roddick speak at a women’s conference. She was brilliant. The nub of her speech was that she ran her business in her own way, regardless of disapproval from others or traditional business models. And if that meant she showed emotion when she was upset, that was fine. She was upset so she showed it.

“Men are allowed to get angry at work; that’s seen as acceptable. I get upset I cry. That’s not deemed acceptable. I say deal with it, or get therapy!”

She wasn’t talking about bursting into tears at inconsequential slights, not at all. She’s a very strong woman. She was talking about putting passion into what you do with your life and caring.

However, her way is not the accepted way of running a business. In the UK, business norms have been set by men. Male norms prevail and are rewarded, female behaviour is derided as ‘soft’ and not as effective.  Shows of emotion that aren’t anger are seen as a weakness. Many pioneer women in business had to behave like men and suppress their feminine side. Often this can penalise sensitive men as much as women. It’s bad enough for a woman to show her emotions; imagine what it’s like for a man in a macho world!

Diversity and Equality

We’ve moved on a lot and many new businesses have really good true equality policies which work in theory and practice (I’m thinking of Pepsico, for example, where difference is valued and equality doesn’t mean ‘allowing’ women to behave like men). The evidence is that where business values all its employees and has significant numbers of women in senior roles, the bottom line is better!

Yet I still find myself in coaching conversations with senior women struggling to survive in a macho culture which constantly undermines their contribution. Usually these women are working in long established business areas like banking, finance, and local government. Newer businesses, while not exempt, tend not to have a long history of  ‘We always do it this way; it’s worked up until now. Don’t rock the boat’

Why Can’t a Woman be More Like a Man?

Because she’s a woman! And women bring other equally valid and valuable qualities to the workplace. And a workplace which doesn’t acknowledge and nurture that is missing out an a huge valuable resource! Eventually those senior women will find places where all they bring to work is valued and respected, where they don’t have to struggle to fit a male model of desirable manager or executive.

Share Your Story

I would love to hear from you if you have had experience of this. I’d love to know if it’s not an issue in your workplace, and if it is. I’d love to know how you think we can combat it, who your best supporters were, who inspires you, and any advice you’d care to share! (You can remain anonymous if you wish, if speaking out feels too risky).

Christmas Baubles – Tip One

As the holiday season approaches pressure is mounting to go out all for perfection. In this post I’m talking about celebrating Christmas but it applies to any celebration, whatever your faith or culture. Magazines, colour supplements, adverts, make over shows, all are encouraging us women to provide the perfect Christmas experience.

Don’t fall for it.

Take a moment now to think about your best festive holiday times? My guess is that they won’t have been reliant on perfect table linen, professional floral arrangements, massively expensive gifts and an ‘advertisement perfect’ family.

Three Things for Christmas Perfection

List three things that make a festive holiday perfect for you; pick from emotions and feelings as well as material things. It’s very easy to get caught up in materialism and beating yourself up for not being the perfect hostess. If you take a little time now to really focus on what makes the season special for you and your family and friends, that’s where you can direct your energies for the next few weeks, and where you can see a real return in creating your idea of perfect Festive Time.

Forget the Matching Candles!

I love Christmas and I have done my fair share of wittering about matching candles, trying to do it all myself, and wanting a spotless house looking like something from Ideal Home. In the end none of that really matters. If people step across your threshold into a wall of tension and simmering discontent it doesn’t matter how perfect it all looks. No one will relax and enjoy themselves, least of all you.

Resolve now to make this festive period one which you enjoy and relax. Aim to create your three most important things as best you can and simply enjoy all the hustle and bustle, lights, music, crowds for what they are, and stop working towards some idealised version of the perfect Christmas!

Please do share your own tips for not only surviving but having fun too!

Banish Anxious Thoughts!

If you want to alter your mood from anxious to serene, try seeing whatever has made you feel out of sorts from a new perspective.

Relax for a few moments, allow your body to release tension, notice your breathing, and try whichever of these is appropriate for you:

• Feeling overwhelmed by problems? Just for a moment visualise your body encased in a beautiful soft bubble, protecting you and giving you a break from life’s cares. Really conjure up the image in your mind’s eye. Rest there for a moment gathering strength to go on with your day.
• Listen to how you are talking to yourself, your inner dialogue. Are you slow and monosyllabic? Or fast and manic? Whatever your inner voice is, consciously make it do the opposite for a while. Make sure your inner voice is talking kindly to you, not criticising.
• If you are angry with someone, or someone is angry with you and you can’t remedy the situation just yet, imagine their face looking benign, happy and smiling kindly. Conjure up the image of them in your head of you and them together and all being well.
• If someone scares you, or produces feelings of anxiety within you, imagine them feeling the same way. Everyone has moments of anxiety and feelings of inferiority from time to time. Visualise your difficult person having such a moment and in your mind extend compassion to them.

Thinking in pictures, visualising, is a very powerful way of giving yourself a mental boost. It won’t solve your problems but it will help you see them in a new light, and help you relax for a short while. And if you find it difficult, just remember a time when you felt really happy and conjure images of that in your brain. There are Three Coaching Questions here which will also help.

Thanksgiving Time!

Today is thanksgiving in US. I am not an American, (although my husband’s mother hailed from Boston so we have lots of family there and I’m an Americanophile) I love the idea of having a day to give thanks. I think we should grab every opportunity in life to celebrate the good stuff, because the bad stuff comes of its own accord.

I Am Thankful For…

So try out this short exercise. Just what are you thankful for, today, right now? My list could be very long but right at this moment I am thankful for:

• The fact that my family is healthy and well
• That my immediate family is loving, close and great fun
• That my brother’s widow has found a new man (Yeay to her!)
• That my husband just brought me a coffee and warms up my cold car before I go out in the morning (I know, I’m terribly  spoilt!)
• That I have some of the best most supportive friends in the world
• That I have a job I love and am happy to wake up to
• That I have two very daft cats who think they are humans…

Of course, my life is not all wonderful all of the time (and how dull would that be? Everyone needs some light & shade), but today I am not going to focus on what isn’t working but on what is. Today is a good day to be thankful!

And to all my American friends and family, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Please do share all the reasons you have to be thankful and let’s generate a real page of positive thoughts!

Age is No Bar – To Anything!

How does this sound to you – Age is no bar to anything.

If you’re thinking ” yes it is, I can’t be a ballet dancer now I’m past 45″, well, maybe you can’t be a professional dancer, but you can still dance or still enjoy dance! There are three women over 60 in the current series of Strictly Come Dancing and two of them are excellent! Women are confounding all the hackneyed stereotypes about older women.

I don’t think there’s ever been a better time to be an older woman in western society, (unless, allegedly, if you work for the BBC where femageism seems rife)

A Few Facts on Ageing

• A woman who is 65 today can expect to live, on average, to 85.

• A man who is 65 today can expect to live, on average, to 82

• With every decade our life expectancy increases by 2 years.

• By 2025 half the UK population will be over 50 and there will be fewer people under 18.

• Currently, there are more people in the UK over 60 than there are children.

We chronically advantaged women are in the ascendancy!

I have a photo of me, aged 6 months, sitting on my grandmother’s knee. I recently realised with a shock, that at the time that photo was taken my grandmother was exactly the same age as me. Yet what a huge difference in our experience of life, even down to how we look. She is wearing a traditional ‘old woman’s’ garb. I wear clothes borrowed from my daughter or given to me by her friends! (Don’t panic, I’m well covered up!)

Still Planning Ahead

At 55 I don’t feel like my life is nearly over; I feel it’s still opening up to me. I am having more fun professionally than I ever have in my life before and learning so many new things. And the more you learn new things, the better the brain adapts. Forget all that rubbish about brain fade, the evidence contradicts it. It really is all in your head!

When I’m coaching women, of whatever age, so often the limits and barriers they see are in their heads, not always in their reality. Thinking that you can’t do something generally means that you can’t. Instead try thinking that you can, which generally means that you can! You may just have to approach getting there by a slightly different route.

Here’s an exercise to try to boost your confidence:

Individually, imagine you are being interviewed by one of the Sunday supplements under a heading, ‘Lessons I have learned in my adult life’. Get as many things down as you can, silly or daft, serious, sad and funny.

For example, I have learned that even though you think your heart is broken it does mend. That if I mix drinking gin with red wine I’ll now get a hangover (although I didn’t at 18!) Or that it’s not worth getting annoyed about some work things because you’ll never change them. And job interviews are a lottery sometimes. And that I love getting older and wiser!

Once you have at least 12 things written down I’d like you now to think more specifically about the skills you have acquired during your working life. Think back to that first job when maybe you were a bit wet behind the ears. Think soft skills as well as things like qualifications. Have you become more patient, or more assertive? Again, get at least 12 down.

Look down your list. Congratulate yourself on the things you have achieved, and make a list of things you’d still like to achieve. And now plan how to achieve them! Setting goals is not just for the young.

The important thing is never to stop dreaming, never stop planning ahead. Don’t let a mere number hold you back. Stay alive and kicking in your head and grab all the opportunities which come your way!

Which older women most inspire you?