Problem Solving From New Angle – ReFrame!

When you get stuck with a problem try this technique – re-frame your issue!

The idea of re-framing has its roots in family therapy work, in helping people look at issues from a new perspective. When you are able to grasp a new perspective, issues which have been a worry can be seen in a different light, different options may appear, and that can help to lighten the load.

Take a Different You

So the next time you feel overwhelmed with a problem, at work or in your personal life, try looking at it from a different angle. You can even do this using different facets of your self. For example, what would the you at your most confident and assured think of this? What might a much older version of you think of this situation? Or what might your view of this have been when you were much younger? This will help you realise just how much knowledge and experience you’ve gained in life.

Pick a Person

Another way of using the reframing technique is to imagine how someone else would view the issue. Literally put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Using everything you know about them, or can imagine, try to hear what they would say or do about the situation. Would it be a bother to them? An exciting challenge? Would they tackle it head on or would they come at it obliquely? Would they even see it as a problem? If there is a colleague you particularly admire try and imagine how they would deal with the problem. It gives you options.

Reframing for Success

Many of the biggest successes and ideas have come from someone taking a new look at a what on the face of it might be a problem. Remember, Post It Notes, now found in every office, started life as failed glue until someone re-framed the problem!

Are You a Parent or a Manager?

If you manage staff do you do it on an adult to adult basis or do you find yourself lapsing into a parent type ego state? And if you are not in a management role, what type of manager do you have?

Transactional Analysis

When I’m working within organisations I often find it really helpful to use T.A. terms to help staff analyse what could be improved upon with their communication styles and working relationships.

One of the most common issues I come across is the parenting style of management. Generally speaking this is not a helpful position to hold and does not develop staff, either for their own good or to the benefit of the organisation.

Two Parenting Styles

There are two types of parent ego states in Transactional Analysis, the nurturing parent and the critical parent. While being on the receiving end of a nurturing type parent manager might be preferable to the critical I’d argue that neither are helpful or appropriate in a professional setting.

If you have a nurturing type manager they will be likely to speak to you in soothing calming tones. They may make you drinks often, pat you on the back, tell you not to worry and that they will go that potentially difficult meeting for you. Their kindness can stifle your potential, they do not allow you to make your own mistakes and develop.

On the other hand, a critical parent manager, will be forever finding fault with what you do, point their finger a lot, use phrases such as “You should do this..or “Pay attention here” They will rarely praise you for a job well done but seek to instruct you in ways you could have done it better.

A manager in adult ego state will treat you with respect, will use phrases such as “This might be useful to you” or “Have you seen this report?” In general their behaviour will be assertive.

Childlike Responses

The critical point about non adult styles of management is that staff are likely to respond from their learned childlike ego state. While this may occasionally be appropriate, usually it is not. Most organisations do not want a staff group frightened to make suggestions, use their initiative, or who are so disenchanted that they are subversive and ‘naughty’! And most people want to be treated as adults when working with opportunities to develop and grow.

Share Your Experiences of Managers

Do you recognise any of the above? I’d love to hear about your experiences of managers, if you noticed an effect on your behaviour, and how you responded to this.

If you’d like some support with your own management style, call me now on 01761 438749 or use the contact page to find out how I might help you or your organisation!

Nostalgia Makes You Happy!

Have you ever thought about nostalgia as ‘mental time travel‘? That’s the rather delightful expression Fred Bryant, professor of psychology at Loyola University in Chicago, uses to describe having nostalgic thoughts. He says it increases feelings of well being if you can get in touch with good feelings from the past and bring those feelings into the present.

Editing

It doesn’t seem to matter, in terms of increasing our well being, if we edit those memories a little. It may be more about how it feels to think about those times, the sense of fulfilment, or love, and that could be quite different from what we felt originally.

Bank of Memories

Professor Bryant’s research into this topic has shown that we can increase our day to day happiness by practising a a deliberate kind of positive reminiscence, and savouring our memories. In fact, building a bank of memories to be drawn on at any time. And part of putting deposits into that memory bank is to be very aware of your feelings at the time you are experiencing them… living in the moment and being mindful when you are having good experiences.

Women and Men and Nostalgia

Says Professor Bryant:
“Men tend to reminisce about the past as a form of escapism, but women are better at drawing on past experiences to help them with a current dilemma.” We use our memories to remind us of our strengths and to think about how we have coped in previous situations. I use this technique often on my training courses for women

I’ve written about the happiness bank before so it’s great to see the research backs it up. What’s going into your happiness bank today?

Eddie Izzard on Being Good, Very Good!

If you have watched the recent documentary on Eddie Izzard you will probably already be an admirer of his tenacity and drive. If you haven’t, I recommend that you do. It’s entertaining, inspirational, and very moving. Quite brilliant.

I was already a fan but listening to his story I was struck again by how high achievers in any field are never overnight successes. They work hard at their craft for their great moments and they know their stuff; they have served their apprenticeship.

And Eddie Izzard certainly knows his stuff. He knew what he wanted and he went for it. And when he went to break new ground in the US he went with humility. He didn’t expect to be an ‘overnight success’;  he applied the same strategy he’d used before. Start small, get a following, learn the US audience, work hard and believe in yourself.

There was one comment in particular that I wanted to share with you. Eddie had always wanted to act and was able to use his comedy platform to get into acting. Someone said to him (I’m paraphrasing as I was too riveted to take notes!):

“But why be an average actor when you are an outstanding comedian?”

And he replied:

“I was once an average comedian”.

Take a leaf from Eddie’s book.  Most of us can get to average; it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to be outstanding. Set your goal and go for it! Be outstanding! And if you need any inspiration, I thoroughly recommend a copy of Eddie’s DVD, Believe, The Eddie Izzard Story. It works for me!

Who inspires you to be outstanding?

How To Increase Your Assertiveness in 10 Easy Steps!

When I’m running my assertiveness seminars it is obvious that some people seem to be more naturally assertive than others; they have a degree of confidence in dealing with people. But that doesn’t mean others can’t learn to be more assertive and acquire the skills necessary. It’s great to get to the end of an assertiveness session and see how people have grown in confidence, even in just one day!

Here are my ten top assertiveness techniques. Practise them regularly and you will really see if a difference.

1. Distance and personal space
We all have our personal space limits so make sure people keep to yours. It’s important not to let someone you don’t know intimately invade your space (this is passive aggressive behaviour; it’s manipulative). When you start to feel uncomfortable that’s your cue. Set your boundaries clearly, either verbally or non-verbally. You might, for example, step backwards to give yourself more space.

2 Broken Record Technique
I am slightly ambivalent about including this as it can turn out to be aggressive behaviour itself. But done correctly, with people you don’t need to have an ongoing relationship with (cold callers for example) it can be very  useful. You state clearly and politely what you want (or don’t want) and when you meet with resistance you simply politely repeat it, again and again and… Warning -I don’t think this is helpful with a colleague as it doesn’t actually resolve anything and will irritate the pants off them! But in the right place it can b every effective indeed.

3. Disclosure
Sharing some information about yourself can be very effective when you want to honest and upfront about something you feel the listener may not fully be aware of, or understand. An example of this could be someone with hearing loss asking the other person to speak up because they are a hard of hearing. Or perhaps sharing how nervous you feel in a situation, and how you would welcome their support.

4.Fogging
Fogging is simply agreeing with what the other person is saying and not allowing it to get to you. Literally in through one ear and out the other. When someone criticizes you, you agree by saying something like “You’re right, my dress doesn’t really match my handbag,” or “I think you’re right, I have put on weight over Christmas; I ate too much.” When you use the fogging technique it’s best to see all criticism as feedback. You let it ride over you and don’t get involved with what’s being said. It can be a really good way to defuse a verbal attack and shows your critic just how adult and confident you are.

5. Maintain eye contact
Good eye contact  makes your listener feel that you respect them and it makes you look more confident to the other person. If you spend the conversation nervously glancing around you will look shifty, or gauche, or look as if you don’t care or respect what the other person is saying. Although be careful, too much eye contact and it may look as if you are staring them out and cause more trouble than you bargained for!

6. Watch your posture and body language
If you slouch down you are making yourself physically smaller and this can appear less confident; you may also appear lazy or shy. Nether do you want to be ram rod straight and military (unless you are military, of course!) Try to hold yourself comfortably ‘tall’ and walk slowly when entering a room and you will look more assertive, however you are feeling inside!

7. And when seated..
When you sit make sure you are sitting upright. Don’t cross you legs or fold your arms – it’ll make you look nervous or aggressive. Sitting up makes you look more alert, interested in the listener and interesting to the listener. And remember, people LOVE being listened to. Listening well is the first rule in being more assertive so make sure you show that you are listening as well as doing it.

8. And while we’re on listening…
Make sure you are an active listener by practising active listening skills. Repeating briefly what the other person has said when appropriate is a good assertiveness skill to learn. Make sure you keep it short and don’t interrupt the speaker when they’re in full flow. You can use phrases like “Can I just check that I have this right, your view is…” or “So you’re saying… is this correct?”

9. Tone of voice
Often when we get nervous our voice goes up a few octaves and a bit of a high pitched squeak comes out. This is not good to listen to and will weaken your points. You may speak faster too with everything coming out in a nervous full on rush. If you have a tendency to speak quickly in stressful situations try silently counting to two each time before you speak. And deep breathing helps, (but don’t hyperventilate). A few deep breaths before you speak will also help calm you down. If your voice tends to get higher pitched then imagining the sound coming out of your chest will help to keep it at a deeper tone making you sound more confident.

10. Value your time
Value your time but also value others. If you are always late for meetings etc you are not being respectful of other people so can hardly expect to be treated with respect yourself. Also consider this, being consistently late for meetings or appointments can indicate a lack of self-worth. If you are always late spend some time thinking about why. And don’t over compensate by giving lots of time to other people when it isn’t necessary.  You need to value yourself first.

I hope that quick run down has been helpful. Of course, there is masses more on the topic but these are just a few tips to act as an aide mémoire.  Assertive women usually have high confidence levels and levels of inner self belief. And learning how to be more assertive can increase your confidence levels too!

What are your favourite tips?

And if you’d like some personal coaching on your assertiveness skills, contact me here. You can be amazing!

Christine Webber – Inspirational Woman

Christine Webber is a successful author and broadcaster and psychotherapist. Her first book, which was a romantic novel, came out in 1987. Her most recent, and 12th book, Too Young to Get Old, was published in February in 2010. She has been an agony aunt on TV Times and Best and a regular contributor or columnist on a wide variety of publications including Woman, TV Quick, The Scotsman and SAGA. She also guests on TV programmes such as BBC Breakfast and The Wright Stuff.

Jane: Christine, thanks so much for taking time out to share your thoughts with the readers; I’m really looking forward to this interview, our first of 2011! And my first question, what was the very first paid job you ever had? Did you like it?
Chris: My very first paid job was on the skirt counter in Marks and Spencer in Catford, in South London. I loathed it, I’m afraid. But my next job, as a ‘postman’ for the Christmas rush during my first holidays as a student, was great. And the money, with overtime, seemed like a fortune!

That’s a coincidence; my first job was on ‘hats’ in the Army and Navy stores, Bromley South. And I did the Christmas post too – very lucrative!  But you began as a singer so presumably the performing gene was quite strong. How long did that last and how did you make the break into television presenting?
I was a musical child. My parents didn’t play instruments, but my mother had a lovely contralto singing voice. I was always writing plays and dancing round the house – though never had dance lessons. I did learn the piano though, and got quite good. And then, aged 18, I went to the Guildhall School of Music and Drama to study singing. Unfortunately, it quickly became apparent that I was not the next Joan Sutherland. So when I left, I went into musicals and pantomime.

I also did some teaching, and then ventured into repertory theatre – just scratching a living, really. Finally, my big break was becoming an in-vision TV announcer. I was much better at that – which was a relief. Shortly after going to Anglia TV as an announcer, they gave me a job as a news presenter. I stayed there for 12 very happy years.

Have you ever experienced femageism in your professional career? (I.e. where younger women routinely paired with older men and older women exit stage left)
Well, there’s no doubt that older women have a tougher time in TV than older men. I left Anglia when I was 43 and that was partly because I wanted to do other things, but equally because I felt it better to leave while they still wanted me. Other colleagues did get replaced by younger women – and I had seen that happen.

Obviously, many viewers want to look at people who are easy on the eye. But at the same time, I think that it’s the men in suits, rather than the public, who keep searching for the next bright young thing. They also constantly chase advertisers with promises of delivering young audiences. This is crazy. It’s actually mid-life and older people who have more disposable cash, and who reliably watch their favourite programmes, so probably the TV companies should all be trying to attract older viewers. Why these supposedly intelligent ‘high-ups’ haven’t worked this out for themselves beats me!

Hear hear! What prompted you to write Too Young to Get Old? How easy was it to get your first book published?
My first book was a novel and I entered it into a competition run by Cosmopolitan magazine to champion new writers. I didn’t win, but my book did get shortlisted and was then read by someone at Century Hutchinson and was eventually published.  This was a huge thrill, I can tell you. I then started writing non-fiction.

I married my second husband, Dr David Delvin, in 1988. He is a sex specialist and I got interested in his work. He’d already published masses of books, including The Book of Love which was an absolute classic and  helped generations of couples to have a happier love life. Together, we wrote The Big “O” which did quite well, and then – after I’d trained for four years to get various psychotherapy qualifications – I started writing books on happiness and self-esteem as well as about relationships.

Too Young to Get Old was a completely different venture. I wanted to write something for the sassy women that we female baby boomers are. And I wanted to put together in one book lots of information about all the things we need to know if the next few decades are going to be vibrant, solvent and healthy ones. I found it quite a hard concept to sell to people. But my lovely agent, Rowan Lawton, pitched it to Piatkus, who are a great publisher. And I’ve been very happy with what they did with it. It’s going into a second edition in February.

Who has inspired you in your personal and professional life?
This list is endless. I am constantly inspired – often by something I casually read in a newspaper, or on Twitter, or see on TV. I am very influenced and inspired too by all sorts of books. Major inspirations in my life have come from a couple of my school teachers – who could see the sort of future I might be able to have, and who encouraged me.

I’ve been very influenced by one of Britain’s top marital psychiatrists, Dr Jack Dominian. Inspired too, by several cognitive-behaviour gurus – such as Aaron Beck, the founder of CBT. And my husband has been very inspiring too, in oh so many ways!

What do you think is the biggest ‘hurdle’ for professional women now? (Or maybe you don’t think there are any hurdles?)
Not sure about ‘hurdles’ exactly. But I think the major worry for professional women is whether or not to have children – and if so, at what point. That’s at the heart of what lots of women want to discuss when they come to my practice in Harley Street.
I think another hazard is that few of us really live in the moment, and enjoy it. When we don’t do that, everything becomes such a struggle, because we are constantly striving but never looking around and going: ‘Hey, I’ve come a long way. My life is exciting and challenging. And I am happy in it.’

What has been the best piece of advice you have ever been given?
My husband has given me loads of advice through the years on punctuation. Does that count? It’s certainly been useful.

What piece of advice or knowledge do you wish you had known at age 18?
I wish I’d known that I would find true love eventually, so I could have stopped agonising about it and just had a good time.

What advice would you give to any aspiring writers out there?
I think ‘just do it’ pretty well sums it up. There are hordes of people who believe they have a book in them. And probably lots of them do. The difference between them and those who get published is often simply that the latter group actually put in the time and do the writing. You are not a writer if you just think about writing, but don’t write.

How do manage the work home balance with your busy career? You work often with your partner, Dr David Delvin Does that make it easier or more difficult to break from work?
I have a good balance between working with David, and working on my own. When we got together, in 1987, we made a vow that neither of us would take a job that involved an overnight stay if the other couldn’t go. I’m sure that some people would find that limiting, but it has worked for us.

At this stage in my life it’s much easier actually to have balance and time to myself than it used to be. I look at women in their 30s who are managing a home, a career, a man, and bringing up children and I just marvel at how they can do all these things. Truth to tell, many of them look exhausted much of the time. And no wonder.  I’ve come to believe that lack of balance in people’s lives is a major source of unhappiness and fatigue.

What’s your favourite way to relax?
Some years ago, I bought a very nice piano. Trouble is, I rarely play it. But my resolution for 2011 is to make time, as it’s a wonderful way to de-stress. I also love exercise (and when I was hopeless at games and always the last person to be picked for any team, I’d have been amazed by that!) – especially the ballet class I go to at Pineapple. I watch loads of rugby on the box and adore it. I listen to lots of music. I enjoy the cinema – especially the lovely Duke of York’s here in Brighton where you can sit on sofas and eat cake and drink wine or coffee. I love going to the theatre and to opera and to concerts. In fact, it sounds really as if my life is one big relaxation. I wonder if I ought to fit in some more work!

What has been the best mistake you ever made?
I have made countless mistakes. For a start, I should definitely have saved more money when I had regular work in television. But I try not to dwell on mistakes. Regret is pointless. I am very much a ‘looking forward’ sort of person rather than one who looks back. You just have to say: ‘I made that choice then. It seemed right at the time. No point in beating myself up over it.’ There’s no harm in resolving not to be that stupid again however!

What are you most proud of in your life?
I think I’m probably most proud of having built a happy and mutually loving marriage with David – mostly because I used to think that a happy relationship was something that only other people could expect. I also delight in being a step mum and step granny.
Work of course has always been vital to me, and I am very pleased with some of the jobs I’ve had. Not sure if ‘proud’ is quite the right word for that.

I am often proud of clients when they really work to make their lives happier and more balanced – and when they triumph over the broken hearts that often bring them to me in the first place.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, with anyone from history or the present, where and who would you choose?
Seems to me that for a woman with a moderately good brain, who comes from a very ordinary family, there’s never been a better time than now.
Heaven knows what I would have done if I’d been born before women were allowed to work or have their own money. I think I would have felt very hampered and frustrated. Also, I am hopeless at needlework, which I’m sure was a necessary skill for all females. Probably my best move would have been to try and be some rich man’s mistress. I might have managed that.

Seriously though, I’m sure that to have lived in Vienna any time between about 1780 and 1930 would have been very interesting, though it might not have been great if you were seriously poor. If you think about all the composers who produced a  phenomenal body of work in that city – Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert etc – it must have been an amazing period with them all concentrated in the one place. Also, it would have been interesting to be in Vienna when Freud and Jung and others were making huge leaps in psychological medicine. But probably to have entered fully into either a musical life or an academic one, it would have been better to have been born male, rich – and healthy. No penicillin, after all!

You have masses of really helpful information in ‘Too Young’, but what’s your best tip for growing older?
Do as much exercise as you feel you can – and then do a bit more than that! What I learned through researching my book is that exercise is the best way to keep in trim and to keep mobile, and to keep your brain healthy. Most of us have loads of ambitions yet to fulfil, but we’re not going to achieve them if we succumb to immobility, serious physical illness, or dementia. Really, what I learned as I wrote was that we are – to a large extent – the architects of our own old age, and if we want to be healthy and viable we really need to put in a lot of effort.

Christine, thank you so much for this; a brilliant start to the Inspirational Women section of 2011 and I wish you huge success this year. I hear your latest book has been so successful it’s now going into a second edition. Congratulations!

I’ll be reviewing Christine’s latest book in my next newsletter so look out for that. You can find out more about Christine  through her own web site by clicking here.