Self Help is Indulgent ClapTrap?

If a sign of a good radio programme is that it provokes you to action, then BBC’s Radio 4 Women’s Hour is very good as it has provoked this post!

The programme had a short debate recently between a life coach and an author. The discussion was around whether self help actually makes anyone any happier, given that the majority of self help book buyers are female, and yet the numbers of women with mental health problems are going up.

I found myself (to my own irritation) sat between the two. The coach made many valid points about the value of coaching in helping people to stop seeing themselves as victims, but weakened her authority (in my opinion) by over-advertising her own courses.

The nub of the argument from the author was that coaching is too self centred, too individualised and encourages people to think they can control anything, regardless of external factors. Her view was that this stopped them doing something to challenge the status quo, stopped them becoming active agents for change for the greater good (I am paraphrasing here). She likened it to reality TV which, she believed, encouraged everyone to think they could become a ‘star’ with very little work.

I am sympathetic to the idea that working on issues of one’s own can make us less aware of what is happening in the wilder world leaving us stuck into a ‘I deserve better‘ mentality. Very occasionally, when working in larger organisations, I see this attitude from staff. They are angry about what is happening but don’t always make the connections between what is happening in the world today and what is happening to them. Equally, I KNOW working one to one can be highly effective in helping make positive changes, and also that many of the people I have worked with have made very positive contributions to society as a whole. Coaching done well is not merely self interested new age clap trap!

The author also criticised self help for being a recent phenomenon and symptomatic of our ‘me-me’ times. Well, there she is definitely wrong! You only need to look back at some of the world’s philosophies to see that the idea of choosing how you view what is happening in the world (making the best of it) has a long and venerable pedigree. My personal self help model comes from a Stoic philosopher, Epictetus. He said:

“We are not touched so much by life events themselves but by the view we choose to take of them”

That surely is the founding statement behind all self help philosophies and he made that in AD55!

What do you think? Is self help, or coaching, or personal development indulgent nonsense which helps no one, or does it have a credible role to play in helping people change and achieve to their full potential? I think you can guess my view!

If you’d like to discuss further with me how our working one to one might enrich your life, do give me a call! My confidential number is 01761 438749 or you can use the contact page and I’ll call at a time convenient to you!

Make Your Dreams Come True!

Do you have a long held dream? A fantasy that one day you will give up the day job, cycle to Memphis, become a dancer, grow your food, start your own B & B…

If so, have you ever taken out your fantasy and had a proper real life look at it? Lots of women confide in me their long held dreams, which is lovely, but often seem surprised when I say,

“What have you done about it?”

Sometimes dreams become a refuge for us, a safe haven where we don’t need to think much. Which is fine if you intend your dream simply to remain a fantasy.

However, if you want to make your dreams a reality, you have to do something!

If you have long held plans to escape to France, for example, have you ever worked out how much money you might need? Which is the best area to live in? Signed up for language classes? Spent a research holiday in the area you like? Or if you want to run a B&B, have you talked to someone who has done just that?

Making your dream a reality may not be imminent but one day it could be. And you want to be ready for that moment! Knowing where you want to be will help with every other decision in your life! Do one small thing every week towards your goal and start making your dreams come true today!

I Hate My Job!

Well, actually I don’t hate my job; I LOVE it. But there was a time when I was unhappy at work and really couldn’t see a way out. I was quietly miserable in a ‘good’ job that had ceased to float my boat and the only thing that was keeping me there was the financial security and the prospect of a pension. In time I would have become a sad and moany woman, muttering in corners about a mythical ‘them’ who set out to make life difficult for me (Bet you know someone like that!)

And then one day I woke up! Why was I wasting my precious life worrying about the future and wasting the now? Why was I assuming that whatever I did next would not be as good (and it has been so much better) Why did I think I should be grateful to have the job I had? And why did I think that because I was in my late 40s I was too old to do something different? None of that actually turned out to be true and fear was holding me back. Losing some of that fear literally changed my life!

Resolve to Be Fabulous!

I hear similar comments to those above from women at almost every organisational in house seminar I run. Usually followed by - ‘But you’re so lucky to be doing what you love’. Well, luck had very little to do with it. I worked hard and plotted and planned to get my dream job, and you can too!

I know the economic climate is not great at the moment and I am not saying that making change is easy. However, if you never make a start you’ll never get anywhere. Things will improve and you could be spending valuable time now making yourself fit and ready to grab the changes when they present themselves. You must have heard the phrase ‘Luck is a case of hard work meeting opportunity’

Resolve to put in the groundwork now! Work out what you want to do (my book will help). Make a list of all those who will support you. Plan to retrain if you need to, maybe nightschool, your own reading, or a sideways transfer. You could get get outside professional help like a good coach, or go on a course.  Whatever you do, don’t put it off until better times come along. Start to work on your fabulous future NOW!

Be Happy All The Time? No Thanks!

Regular readers of this blog will know that I do not promote the school of perpetual happiness – that way madness lies! Well, for me anyway…

When I was about 17, a friend sent me a postcard of the type very popular then, which read:

‘Into every life a little rain must fall’. It was accompanied by a kitschy drawing.

I can remember thinking,” Oh I hope not!” But, umpteen years on from that seventeen year old girl, I am very grateful for my periods of rain. They have taught me the meaning of happiness, contentment, and living in the moment.

Happiness means many different things to each of us, and the older I get, the more happiness I seem to find unbidden in the strangest of places (another benefit of ageing!). Like love, you can’t use it all up.

People often say to me that my posts are always so positive, always upbeat, and am I like that? Obviously I’m not all the time. Things get to me the same as everyone else and I have had my fair share of problems. But I know dwelling on what doesn’t work is a very good way to make yourself miserable. So when I am down, I dip into my happiness bank and pull out a happy memory to make me smile, and my mood soon alters.

I often ask my ‘inspirational women‘ when are you happiest? Today I’m asking you! Please tell me, When are you happiest?

Learn More Effectively – Make It Difficult!

Some research was recently published (in January 2011 edition of Cognition by  Connor Diemand-Yeoman et al) which looked at how different type face fonts impacted on our ability to take in the information.

It always pays to maintain a healthy scepticism about research as much of it is done on young students, an easy resource for most psychology departments (in this case I think it was Princeton University and a group of undergraduates). Results don’t always universally transfer to the population at large when other factors are included. However, in this case, the research makes sense to me.

Hard to Read

The researchers discovered that, flying in the face of conventional training wisdom, the more difficulty students had reading a particular font, the more they retained the information. Whereas most of us try to make our training, information (or marketing) as accessible as possible! Maybe we should start to be a little more obtuse…?

Of course, students have  a built in reason to learn; they will tested in some way on what they know. But the research does have a resonance with what we know about how powerful doing things differently can be, why mind mapping works, and why some of the most powerful learning in our lives often stems from difficult and painful times.

So next time someone criticises your writing, tell them you’re actually doing it to help them! And if you have some notes to learn, try altering the font it’s in to something more challenging and conduct your own piece of research! I’d love to know how you get on!

Do You Keep A Diary?

There is a current radio programme where guests in the public eye are invited to read extracts from their teenage diaries and talk about their lives. Very courageous! I’d blush to my roots to air some of my teenage witterings in public…and my Mum might be listening!

It does, however, illustrate beautifully just how far they have come, how they have grown and developed over the years. It’s a real benchmark of their progress in life.

Now I am not suggesting that you air your innermost thoughts to the listening public (!), but in difficult times it can be very uplifting to remind yourself just how much knowledge and experience you have accrued over the years.

Feeling Low?

Next time those feelings of low self esteem invade your thoughts, or you get a knock back at work, take a few moments to reflect. In your mind’s eye conjure up an image of you as you were just before you entered full time employment. In my case, wet behind the ears and convinced I could save the world by being the best social worker ever. I was pretty sure that coming from my working class roots, with my 5 years of further education, meant I knew it all!

And of course, I didn’t. In retrospect I blush. My real learning began when I acknowledged that I didn’t know it all and that the people I worked with were adding in significant measure to my education.

You’ve Come a Long Way

It is almost impossible to go through life with out developing and learning but sometimes we don’t give ourselves enough credit for how far we have come. Whether you kept a diary or not, imagine you are on that radio programme. What knowledge and skills does your teenage self have? Contrast that with the knowledge and skills and experience you now have. Many of those skills, attitudes and knowledge will have been gained in the hard times. In fact, some of my best life learning (in retrospect) has come because of those hard times.

Try asking yourself this question: What three things would you tell your younger self from the perspective you now have on life?