The Eyes Have It

Are your eyes letting you down? This article explores the benefits of being a good listener in relation to communicating well with your clients, colleagues and family.

Good communication is important in every part of our lives, personal or at work, and contributes to our ultimate success in any arena. You can be the best accountant in the world but if you can’t communicate with your clients you will not reach your full potential. We don’t always make rational choices based on what is the best or good value; we also choose people and their services on criteria such as do we feel comfortable with them? Can we communicate easily with them? Inappropriate eye contact is one sure fire way of making people feel uncomfortable! And if people feel uncomfortable around you they won’t do business or make friends with you. They might remember you – but for all the wrong reasons!

Powerful eyes

Of all the ways we communicate with people, eye contact is the most powerful. Looking at people and meeting their eyes are the first steps towards striking up relationships and making a positive impression. Advertisers know that a face with eyes directed at the camera is an effective way to get people’s attention. The eyes most definitely have it.

Most of us easily recognise inappropriate eye contact; that glance that is held far too long, turning into a stare which becomes rude and perhaps threatening. For example, if we are on the tube or train in our own little personal space bubble, and someone glances for longer than a brief look, we feel that they are intruding on us and we usually feel uncomfortable. Or think about the person who just won’t look you in the eye; it’s hard to build up a rapport with someone who does that as it sends a message of either lack of confidence or dishonesty. It’s difficult to trust someone who cannot or does not make appropriate eye contact.

What is appropriate?

In ordinary conversation, eye contact plays an important role in ‘turn taking’. To start a conversation with someone you first need to establish eye contact. If that person looks back, ‘permission’ to speak has been given. Notice that as the conversation starts, if you are speaking you will look away from the listener with glances back now and again to check they are listening. When you are listening, you look more at the speaker, on average about three quarters of the time, with short glances of about 1-7 seconds. If you want to speak it’s important that you re-establish eye contact with the speaker. If you are in the audience of a larger meeting and you want to say something then make some physical movement like changing position to cause the speaker to look at you.

Eye contact in groups

If you are speaking to a group, or putting your point across in a meeting, try and make eye contact briefly with all of them to capture their interest. If you talk regularly to groups you will know that a good tactic with constant interrupters is simply not to make direct eye contact with them. But it won’t work with hecklers!

The same principle applies to meetings. Looking at someone allows them to interrupt you and you can lose some control; likewise if you need to interrupt whoever is holding the floor they will find it difficult to resist if you ‘catch their eye’ and signal your intention. And if you are in the audience, and don’t want to be asked any questions the chances are you will be sitting there with your gaze averted from the speaker. Teachers know this and pick on the pupil looking least interested!

Skilled speakers who want to emphasise their point or the strength of their convictions, will look directly at the audience and even make quick eye contact with all of them in order to give the impression that they are having a mini conversation with each person.

What are your eye movements telling others?

There is a lot of material on how we look when we are speaking or listening, and researchers have found that when we pause to choose our words, we usually look away from our listeners. Some to the left and some to the right. Apparently, if we look to the right we tend to be more scientifically minded while those who prefer the left are more likely to be religious or artistic. I’d be interested to hear if this accords with any observations you have made.

Cultural differences

It‘s important to note that all the research referred to and advice given applies to British or American norms. If you are from another culture yourself, or regularly work with other cultures, they may not hold true. For example, in some cultures direct eye contact is considered rude, or immodest, so it’s worth checking it out. If you have any examples relating to the above, I’d love to hear them.

Are You Biased?

Most of us think that we’re fair when it comes to judging other people, but actually there is a lot of research to show that we all exhibit a lot of subconscious bias!

Fundamental Attribution Error

This is when we are kinder to ourselves than others. For example, if we’re rushing to get to a meeting and we’re late, we’ll have all sorts of reasons as to why. They will be external reasons such as ‘the bus was late’, ‘I got stuck behind a slow driver’, etc.

But if we’re sitting in a meeting waiting for someone to show up who is late, our thoughts are likely to attribute an internal reason to them, i.e. the fact that they are hopeless timekeepers. We don’t give them the benfit of a reason outside of their control.

Confirmation Bias

Once we have mentally tagged someone as ‘always late’ we tend to see only the evidence that supports that view. We will always notice every time they are late and expect them to be late. Each time we are right we feel supported in our belief and it strengthens it. We were right – that person is always late!  Amazingly, we are able to conveniently ignore the almost equal number of times thay are punctual because that doesn’t fit  our bias about this person!

I see this often when I am working in organisations undergoing change. Once a certain theory has taken hold it is very hard to dislodge it, despite evidence to the contrary.

Suspend Your Bias

Next time you find yourself passing a negative comment about someone, whether out loud or silently, stop for a second and consider whether the evidence actually fits your pronouncement. It might help you to manage any anger or frustration you feel and give you a new take on someone!

Do You Believe People Can Change?

Do you believe people can change? My whole career has been built on the principle that, yes, they can! It’s not easy but it happens all the time.

It is important to believe that it’s possible though or you will be stuck with the same patterns of behaviour for ever. Which is fine, if it’s working for you but not so fine if you are feeling fed up and disgruntled with the hand life has dealt you.

Life Story

When I worked with youngsters who had experienced trauma and loss in their short lives, we frequently made a life story book, looking at the significant events of their lives. Usually these kids had had no control over what happened to them and many of them had had experiences you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. The life story work had many purposes, but one was to help them understand that they could take back some control of their lives in the future and not see themselves as helpless victims of their past.

Don’t Get Stuck

I often work with people who have had a difficult life by any standards. Some are stuck, feeling that they can’t throw this off; their early experiences of life are continuing to haunt and inform everything they do. Conversely, I have been privileged to work with some amazing people who have had equally devastating experiences but have made a decision not to let this ruin the rest of their lives, and to use it in a positive fashion. They have let the negative experiences make them stronger.

Survivors

I am struck by this survivor mentality most forcibly when I read accounts of holocaust survivors. People who endured unimaginable tragedy yet went on to have amazing lives, made films, made music, wrote great literature. One such inspirational woman was Alice Herz-Sommer whose story I read in The Guardian newspaper in 2006. She was 103 at the time!

Alice had endured the ghettos in Prague, lost her husband in Auschwitz along with many members of her family yet when interviewed she showed no trace of bitterness. She had gone on to become a gifted concert pianist and at 103 was still playing for several hours a day.

She said:

” I never spoke a word about it….I didn’t want my son to grow up with hatred in his heart…….my son had very good friends in Germany.

I had a twin sister – same mother, same father, same upbringing. She was extremely gifted but a terrible pessimist, but I was the contrary. This is the reason I am so old, even now, I am sure. I am looking for the nice things in life. I know about the bad things, but I only look for the good things.

Life is beautiful, extremely beautiful. And when you are old you appreciate it more. When you are older you think, you remember, you care and you appreciate. You are thankful for everything. For everything.”

She was the absolute embodiment of my favourite quote of all time, from a first century BC Stoic philosopher, Epictetus. In essence he said:

WE ARE NOT TOUCHED SO MUCH BY LIFE’S EVENTS, BUT BY THE VIEW WE CHOOSE TO TAKE OF THEM.

Therein lies the underlying message of every self help book ever written!

You can read an  article on Alice in full by clicking here

Warm the Cockles of Your Heart!

This link will take you to a lovely story which I guarantee will leave you with a smile on your face! It is really heartwarming so if you’re feeling a bit fed up with life, or simply want to be reminded of how wonderful people can be, click here

More Facts About Women and Work

Sex and Power, the Equality and Human Rights Commission’s annual report 2008 looks at women in top positions of power and influence across the public and private sectors. It suggests a worrying trend of reversal or stalled progress – with only a few significant increases.

Now in its fifth year, the index this year indicates fewer women hold top posts in 12 of the 25 categories (almost half). In another 5 categories, the number of women remains unchanged since 2007′s index. Women’s representation has increased in just 8 areas.

There are fewer women MPs in Westminster, where they make up just 19.3 percent of all MPs. Women’s representation among FTSE 100 directors has improved slightly from 10.4 to 11.0 percent.

The Commission has likened women’s progress to a snail’s pace. A snail could crawl:

nine times round the M25 in the 55 years it will take women to achieve equality in the senior  judiciary.

from Land’s End to John O’Groats and halfway back again in the 73 years it will take for equal numbers of women to become directors of FTSE 100 companies.

the entire length of the Great Wall of China in 212 years, only slightly longer than the 200 years it will take for women to be equally represented in Parliament.

The 2008 report, which traditionally estimates the number of years at the present rate of progress it will take for women to achieve equality in key areas, indicates that compared to previous year’s predictions it will now take 15 years longer (a total of 55 years) for women to achieve equal status at senior levels in the judiciary, and women directors in FTSE 100 companies could be waiting in the wings a further 8 years (a total of 73 years).

If women were to achieve equal representation among Britain’s 31,000 top positions of power, the Commission estimates nearly 5,700 ‘missing’ women would rise through the ranks.

Nicola Brewer, the Chief Executive of the Equality and Human Rights Commission, said:

‘Young women’s aspiration is in danger of giving way to frustration. Many of them are now excelling at school and are achieving great things in higher education. And they are keen to balance a family with a rewarding career. But workplaces forged in an era of ‘stay at home mums’ and ‘breadwinner dads’ are putting too many barriers in the way – resulting in an avoidable loss of talent at the top.’

‘We always speak of a glass ceiling. These figures reveal that in some cases it appears to be made of reinforced concrete. We need radical change to support those who are doing great work and help those who want to work better and release talent.’

‘The Commission’s report argues that today’s findings are not just a ‘women’s issue’ but are a powerful symptom of a wider failure. The report asks in what other ways are old-fashioned, inflexible ways of working preventing Britain from tapping into talent – whether that of women or other under-represented groups such as disabled people, ethnic minorities or those with caring responsibilities. Britain cannot afford to go on marginalising or rejecting talented people who fail to fit into traditional work patterns.’

Improve Your Communication Skills by Eliminating One Little Word…

The idea for this article about came to me when I was listening to a BBC radio broadcast recently. The radio presenter was reviewing a particularly poignant programme about a mother who discovered her child had a serious illness, and she said in her introduction:

‘For the first four days she had a beautiful baby but then the diagnosis of illness was made.’

It made me reflect on the use of the word ‘but’ and how that little word had conveyed the impression that the baby was no longer beautiful and how it had taken away the impact of the opening words.

How different that phrase would have sounded if but wasn’t in it. I’m sure the presenter did not mean to imply that a baby with an illness is no longer beautiful; that would have been contrary to the whole tone of the programme. However, she gave that impression in her opening remarks by her choice of that one tiny word.

Apart from sending a subliminal message that somehow disability, or illness, is inherently unbeautiful, that phrase set me thinking how that tiniest of words in the English language can undermine much of the intent of our communication and weaken the messages we think we are giving out.

Definition

I looked up some of the definitions of ‘but’ in the dictionary and they are:

‘On the contrary’

‘Except’

‘Unless’

The plural ‘buts’, is defined as ‘reservations’ or ‘objections’, which is exactly what using it does. It sends a message of reservation and lessens the impact of whatever has gone before it.

Are You a Butter?

Think back over some of your recent client meetings or conversations with colleagues and try to see if you are a regular butter. I know I often do it without thinking and have even written it once or twice while writing this article! When we say ‘but’ a lot it’s almost the verbal equivalent of holding up our hand like a police officer calling halt on traffic duty. Have you ever found yourself saying to a colleague or someone who works for you?

‘I really liked the way you handled that difficult client but if you had stopped the conversation ten minutes earlier it would have had more impact.’

Or maybe

‘That was an excellent proposal you wrote for the board but I have made one or two alterations’.

In both cases a compliment is being given about the nature of the work done, but the receivers of those phrases will only have heard that it needed changing in some way thereby not learning and developing their skills. Depending on the circumstances, most of us would hear that phrase as a criticism of our work when actually it is quite complimentary. The use of the word ‘but’ negates the positivism of the earlier words.

Sales

Are your sales people, front line staff, or even you, giving the wrong impression of your product or service?
I have experienced this several times when trying to purchase something and asking about a specific feature. For example, a salesperson will say to me, ‘Yes, it does have that particular feature but you need to do this first to make it happen. I hear the ’but’ and am mentally walking away because I hear that actually it doesn’t easily do what I want it to. Or, ‘yes, you can have life assurance cover at that price but it will increase when you reach 55’. Again, I only hear that a price increase is on the way, not that it is want I want right now.

Do you give back handers?

Have you heard the phrase a ‘back handed compliment’? For example, ‘you look quite business like when you make an effort’. The subtext of which is, ‘most of the time you don’t make an effort and look an unprofessional mess!’ If you use ‘but’ a lot in your speech you may find you are giving people a back hander without meaning to.

Practical Steps

When running seminars within either the private or public sector, I often use a variation of the following exercise which I believe will be helpful to you if you incorporate it into either your own, or your staff, training plan:

Imagine that you are giving feed back to a member of staff or a colleague. As well as complimenting them on what they do well, you are going to add something that will improve their performance. For example,

‘Your summary of our sales objectives to the new director was excellent BUT it would have been even better if you had been able to add this month’s figures as well.’

Now try that as:

‘Your summary of our sales objectives to the new director was excellent AND it would have been even better if you had been able to add this month’s figures as well’.

The use of and does not detract from the sentence in the same way that using but does and it still conveys message you want to get across. You want them to continue to do all the things they did right plus, something additional not something instead of, or on the contrary. You are adding something. And when you are selling something, describing your service, explaining your business USP, applying for a career boost, you want to add to your impact, not subtract.

So, each time you find yourself tempted to insert a ‘but’ into your speech think, what am I taking away by doing this, how is this message going to be heard, and try using and instead!