What’s in a ‘Married’ Name?

An article by a French novelist, Marie Darrieussecq (Tom est mort) caught my eye last week; she was writing about the Madame/Mademoiselle dichotomy.

In France all women of a certain age are addressed as Madame with younger women being called Mademoiselle. Men, as here, have one simple title, Monsieur or in the UK, Mr. For men age or marital status is immaterial. Not so women. When addressing women a judgement is made as to both when deciding how to address them.

I particularly loved this paragraph from Marie’s article on the topic:

A ‘Madame’ is also of course a brothel keeper: leaving us in no doubt that ‘Mademoiselle’ refers first to a sexual state: being a virgin. When I am asked to tick my civilite I am in fact being asked to give information about my sex life – single or married, available or not. It is this aspect that the two feminist groups who campaigned for the change have been protesting about.

In fact, because of those protests France has recently changed its policy on official forms which required a tick in one or the other of the boxes before allowing women to proceed to completion. But it’s only advisory and change may take some time…

I married in 1977. Like countless other young women I had spent an age beforehand practising my new name. Yet as soon as someone addressed me by my husband’s name I froze (the day after the wedding as we were about to leave for our honeymoon).

“Good Grief”,  I hissed at my husband as the waiter called out  ”Phone call for Mrs Dunlop“, “Your mother is here!”

Then the awful truth dawned. It was me. I felt that I had lost something very precious and once the honeymoon was over swiftly set about finding out why women changed their names. I discovered that it was not a legal requirement at all but a convention dating back to when a woman became the property of her husband on marriage. When we had no voice, no vote, no possessions of our own. I became Jane C Woods again immediately.

Most of my contemporaries thought I was mad. Women were particularly perturbed. “Don’t you love him?” was a frequent question.  Preceding Tina Turner by a few years I’d reply “what’s love got to do with it?” (Just for the record, I did love him and still do, 36 years later!) When asked if I was married I’d reply ‘yes, but I didn’t make my husband give up his name on marriage.’ Some people thought I shouldn’t have married at all as if marriage is all about getting a new name…

MS Jane C Woods

The term Ms had come into prominence a few years before and I had, naturally, enthusiastically adopted it, although few people had a clue what I was talking about. Most forms in Britain now have this as an option, but not all, and I still find myself being asked Miss or Mrs? frequently!

Language reflects the society we live in and changing language can help change attitudes. Fire-fighters gives a very different message to firemen, as does headteacher to headmaster, police officer to policeman. We use these terms casually but language does matter.

What do you think?

PS Yes, that is me in the photo, with my darling man. Remember it was 1977!

Women, Do You Know What YOUR Heart Attack Would Look like?

Occasionally I am taken to task for my frequent assertion that ‘it’s still a man’s world’. What do you mean, people ask, surely you’re living in the past?’

Well, I don’t say it to denigrate men, (see my stance on men/women here). I say it because so much of what we take for granted as applying to both sexes has only been researched on men. This is particularly true in the world of psychology where a lot of early research took place in the workplace, and the workplace was populated more by men than women. (Flight/Fight is a classic example of this).

Heart Attack Symptoms in Women

Another example was in the UK press recently. About 15 years ago  I was working in a hospital when a new range of heart attack awareness leaflets were published. A male doctor told me they were wrong. Women have different symptoms, he said. Not for us the dramatic clutching of chest and keeling over so beloved of TV, film, and drama. We have a different slower response.

Recent research shows that still some doctors do not know there is a difference: women have been dying needlessly. Their symptoms have not been recognised as serious because the medical profession has not had updated material on how women react. Here’s an extract:

When looking at trends in mortality by age-group, the researchers found that mortality tended to be higher among younger women (aged 54 or younger) who presented without chest pain than among men of a similar age who presented without chest pain. (You can read more of this on the Nursing Times web site)

Doctors expect to see chest pain because that’s how men experience it and that’s how most of them have been taught.

And that’s a classic example of what I mean about it being a man’s world. I don’t want men to die of heart attacks and I don’t want women to die of heart attacks. I want difference to be acknowledged and valued and both genders given equal billing.

If you’re interested in this topic, and related issues, take a look at Speak Up! My latest course for professional women.

Photo Credit: Nellart

Inspirational Woman – Naomi Richards!

Naomi is a kids coach. Don’t know what this is? Read on to find out! Naomi has just published her first book which has had quite a bit of media attention so you may have heard of her already!

Jane: Naomi, you run ‘The Kid’s Coach’ and work with children from the age of 6 upwards. What gave you the idea to set up a coaching company for children?
Naomi:I wanted to work for myself (post children) but also wanted to work around my children. I was not sure at first what my dream job looked like but after some self-reflection I realised I was good at problem solving, I had a creative mind and I loved children. When I put all of these together I came up with The Kids Coach.

What are the most common issues you get asked to deal with?
Self-esteem, confidence, friendship issues, negative beliefs, bullying, sibling rivalry, communication, transition, parent separation, motivation, concentration.

What has been the most challenging thing about setting yourself in business, particularly in such a new field?
Getting people to realise that there is a place in society for life coaching children.

What advice would you give a woman thinking about self employment? Is there anything you wish you’d known before you started?
If you really want to work for yourself go for it. There will be peaks and troughs but if you put yourself out there and want to succeed you will. Be realistic especially if you are a mother too. Working for yourself when you are a mum is a juggling act. I would also say use your network and regularly meet like-minded individuals so you can swap ideas and share your highs and lows of your business. Self-employment can sometimes be lonely especially if you don’t have a team of people working for you.I wish I had known that advertising my business was going to be a waste of time and money. I did not know how to market myself when I started the business so threw money at advertising.

What do you think is the biggest hurdle women in business face? Do you think there are any differences between the genders?
I think the biggest hurdle is being taken seriously. When you are trying to make a difference and do something slightly different it is great to have the support of others. I think as a wife and mother with other priorities you sometimes don’t get the same respect as a self-employed man. I think the main difference between the two gender is multi-tasking. I am not saying that all men cannot do it but women are particularly good at it which means they can get lots more done in a little time.

Where do you draw your inspiration from? Who enthuses and inspires you?
My inspiration comes from my friends around me and other business women who have successful businesses. They have had an idea and turned it into something tangible and have done well.

When you were at school did you have any career thoughts? Did you follow a traditional path, go onto college, or get out into the world of work very quickly?
I had no real career thoughts when I was at school. I just wanted to enjoy whatever I did and have lots of variety in my work. I wanted to be a travel agent so I went to college and studied Travel and Tourism. I then went to university to gain more qualification and studied marketing. I loved marketing so much I went straight into full time work in the UK marketing department of Dow Jones Telerate. I worked in numerous marketing departments in the telecoms and finance sector for 10 years.

In the public domain, i.e. someone you don’t necessarily know, who do you most admire? And why?
Karen Brady because she became the first female Managing Director of a football team aged 23 – a massive accomplishment and has shown women that you can be successful in a man’s world where age and sex is no barrier. I also admire Bill Gates and Richard Branson for creating worldwide products and brands. They did not just create one product they continued to improve and deliver more. Both are such successful brands.

How do you combine your business with being a parent? Is being self employed an advantage or do you find yourself working more?
I find being self-employed really suits me as a parent. I work around my children so I take them to school and pick them up. We do homework and after school activities and I put them to bed. When they are at home I am too. I work school hours, evenings and on Sundays. My husband is fully supportive of my work and is a very hands on dad so it works perfectly when I am running a clinic on a Sunday or if I want to go out to a networking event early evening.I don’t think I work more I just have to work smarter.

If you could give the 16 year old Naomi one piece of advice, what would it be?
You can do whatever you set your mind to and be whoever you want to be. Take risks, learn to laugh and love and don’t take anything for granted.

What challenges and projects lie ahead?
Well my book, ‘The Parents Toolkit’ which was published this month so who knows what will fall off the back of that. I would like to think more radio, more writing, public speaking and some collaborative work with other organisations that see the value in giving children the essential skills they need for life.My biggest challenge could be trying to fit it all in in the hours that I have!

The Parent’s Toolkit is out now, you can get it via Amazon! And you can find out more about Naomi and her work via her website by clicking here.

Is Being Nice Bad for You?

Would you be nasty to earn more money?

According to a study by several researchers, “agreeable” workers earn significantly lower salaries than their less agreeable counterparts, with the gap being wider among men.

The study, titled “Do Nice Guys—and Gals—Really Finish Last?”, used survey data to examine “agreeableness” and found that men who disagreed far greater make 18%- or $9,772 annually- more in salary than those who agree. The salary disparity is far less among women, with disagreeable females making 5% or $1,828 than those who agree more. Perhaps being disagreeable is more acceptable in males and therefore more rewarded?

Cornell professor Beth A. Livingston, who co-authored the study with Timothy A. Judge of the University of Notre Dame and Charlice Hurst of the University of Western Ontario said:

“The problem is, many managers often don’t realize they reward disagreeableness,” Livingston added. “You can say this is what you value as a company, but your compensation system may not really reflect that, especially if you leave compensation decisions to individual managers.”

The study contained data from over 20 years from three different surveys, and interviewed 10,000 workers from a wide range of fields. The researchers also included a separate study  based on 460 business students asked to be fictional managers and review descriptions of possible employees. That separate study  revealed that being nice does not bring professional success, as those viewed as more agreeable were less likely to get the job.

To be honest, I’m amazed. What does it mean for women who want to advance? Does it mean that we have to behave contrary to our instincts if we want to progress?

Professor Simon Baron Cohen is an expert in the field of autism. In his fascinating book on gender differences  ’The Essential Difference‘ he talks about the male brain and the female brain. The premise of his book is:

‘The female brain is predominantly hard wired for empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard wired for understanding and building systems.‘

Most of us, he posits,  fall somewhere in between. Baron-Cohen says empathy makes real communication possible, it makes the world go round, means people help each other out and so on. Lack of empathy he says can lead to aggression and bullying. The plus points of the male brain are being good at systems leads to creating efficient tools, making things work more efficiently. Good systemisers are also skilled at understanding and exploiting natural systems.

The U.S. studies which show being less agreeable contributes to success raises more than a few issues for women:

One, do we measure success by income? To a degree we do and women have always earned significantly less than men. Raising that as an issue (as I do frequently) implies that we accept that premise. Income is one way to assess and compare how well someone is doing.

Two, if we women are hard-wired to be empathetic can we ever reach the top of our profession yet still be true to ourselves? Is the only way up to become more male in our behaviour?

And three, does this fact merely represent the reality that male behaviours are rewarded much more than female behaviours in the business world?  Is it part of institutionalised sexism? Does aggression really produce better results or do people just assume it produces better results (extreme macho behaviour which incidentally some women are also very good at using) and therefore reward it with higher incomes?

What do you think?

I’ll be discussing this on my Speak Up women’s course, so if this is a topic close to you heart and you’re a professional woman, book one of the last places now!

Photo Credit: S.P Veres

Women and Unemployment

Women workers are bearing the brunt of the recession. Twice as many women as men are losing their jobs in the current economic downturn.

The Office for National Statistics said 32,000 women became unemployed between October and December, compared with only 16,000 men.

During that period, the number of unemployed women also hit its highest level since 1987. In addition women are also being hit by the current UK government decision to raise the retirement age, so they must continue working in jobs which don’t exist…

And it will get worse as public sector cuts begin to hit home and redundancies occur. Most public sector workers are women…

Anna Bird, Acting Chief Executive of the Fawcett Society, said:

“More than 40 years after the Dagenham machinists went on strike, in a move that triggered the Equal Pay Act, women can still expect to earn less than their male counterparts.

“We have become used to slow, steady progress towards gender equality but today’s figures are more evidence that progress is stalling. The average gap in pay is virtually unchanging, with the mean earnings gap stuck at 15 per cent. For every hundred pounds men take home, women on average take home around £85.

“The gender pay gap in the private sector is still significantly greater than in the public sector. With the government focus now on boosting enterprise and private sector growth, there is a real risk that the pay gap will widen in the years ahead unless there is concerted action to tackle pay inequality.

“With a record number of women out of work – 1.09 million women are unemployed  -  and a persistent, stagnant gap in pay between women and men, the government needs to take action. The Fawcett Society calls on government to publish a strategy for women’s employment, that seeks to protect women’s access to work and deliver equal pay and fair working terms and conditions. The government must also make headway with plans to broaden flexible working rights to all employees and reform parental leave as set out in the Modern Workplaces consultation, which will contribute to a more equal society.”

Will the government listen? Nothing they have done so far suggests that they will. And by the way, whatever happened to that special women’s advisor idea of Cameron’s? (See “Why David Cameron Just Doesn’t Get It” )

All those retro signs, packaging and make up boxes in the shops now may just be heralding a return to the dark ages for women…

My Number One Tip for Women

To quote the bard, and notwithstanding the plethora of advice I am offering through this pages, my best tip to you is:

To thine own self be true

It’s not easy being a woman in the 21st century, bombarded with generally unattainable images on beauty as we are, being told we can do anything we want as well, (barriers, what barriers?) as well as knocking up nutritious meals in our spare time while channelling Cath Kidston throughout our immaculate homes!

I often work with women who feel they ‘should‘ be something other than they are. The truth is if you’re trying to be something you’re not, something or someone that doesn’t sit comfortably with your value base, then you will always feel out of kilter in your world.  And over time that takes its toll on you. It’s hard to be successful if your heart isn’t in it.

So honour your values, honour what makes you unique, and to thine own self be true.

How do you know when you are being true to yourself? Does your current job do it for you? I’d love to hear from you!

If you’d like to read a little more about values try this What Price Your Value? Or What Does Success Mean to You?